Break Number One--Loki's Story Trailer and the plot continues...
::The lights dim as Dr. Batorious speaks again::
Dr. Batorious (announcing): For your viewing pleasure, we have a little movie trailer from Loki’s latest story-in-progress. For those of you on the Internet, you can view along with us by clicking here.
::While the audience watches the trailer, the mysterious cloaked figure makes his way along the rigging catwalk above the stage::
Sewernose: Ah, the stage below. I cannot wait to tread the boards and upstage all these silly would-be stars!
::Two small cloaks appear out from under his larger one::
Voltaire: But up here, only the birds will see your performance!
Euripides: Well, it's for the birds anyway, that's for sure! He never thinks these things through, you know.
::Sewernose bring the dolls on his hands around to face him::
Sewernose: I heard that! I'll show you two! I'll show you all!
Euripides: Great, so show us already! I'm getting tired of this silly cloak. It's giving me a rash!
Voltaire: At least he washed yours…
Sewernose: Quiet! I must think. I must prepare for the grand entrance of my great comeback!
Voltaire: Then we had better order some takeout. This could take a while.
Euripides: I know this little place a few blocks down—
Sewernose: I said quiet!
::The argument continues as the presentations do, too::
::The lights dim as Dr. Batorious speaks again::
Dr. Batorious (announcing): For your viewing pleasure, we have a little movie trailer from Loki’s latest story-in-progress. For those of you on the Internet, you can view along with us by clicking here.
::While the audience watches the trailer, the mysterious cloaked figure makes his way along the rigging catwalk above the stage::
Sewernose: Ah, the stage below. I cannot wait to tread the boards and upstage all these silly would-be stars!
::Two small cloaks appear out from under his larger one::
Voltaire: But up here, only the birds will see your performance!
Euripides: Well, it's for the birds anyway, that's for sure! He never thinks these things through, you know.
::Sewernose bring the dolls on his hands around to face him::
Sewernose: I heard that! I'll show you two! I'll show you all!
Euripides: Great, so show us already! I'm getting tired of this silly cloak. It's giving me a rash!
Voltaire: At least he washed yours…
Sewernose: Quiet! I must think. I must prepare for the grand entrance of my great comeback!
Voltaire: Then we had better order some takeout. This could take a while.
Euripides: I know this little place a few blocks down—
Sewernose: I said quiet!
::The argument continues as the presentations do, too::
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International Award for Best Song Parody
::A human dressed as a heroic pirate walks out on stage. It’s Clarence Dudley, the actor from “Pirates of Peejama” who appeared in the episode “A Case of Stage Blight”::
Clarence: Hey, hey, hey! I’ve come to save the day!
::The audience cheers at his opening, and Clarence flashes a big smile as he heads for the podium. Somewhere in the rafters, someone boos, but it’s drowned out by the many cheers::
Clarence: Hello, one and all! It’s grand to be back in this theater where I regaled so many adoring fans. Now I’m here to do honor so the Best Song Parody written this year. So, let’s see who our nominees are…
“Sweet Gadget”, by Johan Rhen
“The Best of One Old Show”, by Johan Rhen
Clarence: Well, I think we know who’s going to win, but for which one?
::Clarence opens the envelope::
Clarence: The Best of One Old Show! Come on up here, Johan!
::Chip and Dale once again enter the stage, this time together. This time Chip is the first to speak::
Chip: Originally, we were supposed to read a short acceptance speech here, but due to an unfortunate accident involving a bottle of Coo-Coo-Cola, a jar of peanut butter, an electrical fan, and a chipmunk, we no longer have a script!
::The audience laughs as Chip glances at Dale, who tries his best to look very innocent::
Chip: Therefore, we will keep this very brief.
::Chip pokes his elbow in the side of a very distracted Dale::
Dale: Oh. What? Uh, we are all...I mean, the Johan’s very thoughtful - I mean thankful - to all of you for giving him this amazing award. ‘The Best of One Old Show’ was the first RR song parody he ever wrote and a personal favorite, so it's very pleasing that it became the winner. Thank you!
::The two chipmunks disembark the stage, the audience laughing again as Chip berates Dale about the ruined acceptance letter::
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International Award for Best Poet
::In a flash of green brilliance, a leprechaun appears on top of the podium. It’s Darby Spree, king of the leprechauns, from “The Last Leprechaun”::
Darby: Sure, and it’s a fine pleasure to be here! As the folk in me country say, ‘a spring rain by the River Shannon doesn’t come close to your smiling faces’. Now, I be here to award the Best Poet among the lot of glorious writers that the International team has. So, let’s us see who we have…
Johan Rhen
::Darby checks the list again, then flips the page over::
Darby: Faith and fortune! Now I know right well there’s other poets than Johan. Well, he’s a fine lad, still, and worthy of the honor. Guess you nominators out there will have to be more up to the task next time! But for now, let’s give a grand hand for Johan Rhen!
::Chip and Dale return to the podium, and Dale waves a greeting::
Dale: Hi there, audience!
::After a quick glance at Dale, Chip takes up the thread::
Chip: Johan Rhen asked the two of us to accept the award for Best International Poet for him.
Dale: Besides, he's too embarrassed about winning it by default to show up.
::Chip smiles lightly::
Chip: Given that kind of competition, even Dale's ‘Spiffo and the X-men from Mars’ fanfic would stand a chance.
Dale: Yeah…hey!
Chip: Just keep to the script, Dale.
Dale: And now, to round this speech off and at the same time try to prove that there's at least some relevance to this award...
::Chip grins again::
Chip: Or at least having a nice time torturing the audience while trying to prove that…
::Dale brings out a piece of paper::
Dale:...here's a hastily put together thank-you poem from Rhen.
::Chip takes a quick glance at his script::
Chip: Eh, Dale. It says 'tanka poem', not 'thank-you'.
::Dale looks closely at the wording on the script::
Dale: Oh. What's a tanka poem?
Chip: It's like a Japanese haiku poem, just a little longer.
::Dale looks at him with an unspoken question clearly readable in his face::
Chip: Yes, I looked it up. Now, go on."
Dale: Okay, so here's a short TANKA thank-you poem then.
::He turns to Chip who sighs, but refrains from making any more comments::
An inventive mouse
gives great inspiration
for writers, artists, poets
the enjoyment of others
is the greatest reward"
::The two chipmunks bow to the audience before leaving the stage. Darby does an Irish jig and vanishes in a flash of light::
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International Award for Best Joke--Use of Humor
::The curtain parts stage left, and out walks a kiwi with a tribal chief’s regalia. He nods to the applause of the crowd and heads to the podium. It’s the chief from “Kiwi’s Big Adventure” whose voice bears a strong resemblance to Ed Sullivan::
Chief: Thank yoooo! Hello everyone, and welcome to the next part of the shoooo, right here, in this very theater. This next award will be really big, because it’s the award for Best Joke/Use of Humor.
::All at once, Pepto Gizmo, the wacky kiwi witch doctor, appears from behind the left curtain::
Pepto: One moment, one moment! If it’s funny you want, you should have me giving the award! I’m the funniest kiwi of the tribe!
::Pepto faces the audience, and the chief covers his face::
Pepto: Hey folks! Do you know what you get when you cross a kiwi with a skateboard? A rolling pinfeather! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
::The chief summons “the hook”, and Pepto is dragged off-stage::
Chief: That’ll be enough out of you, Pepto. Now, the nominees are:
Dale's Stand-Up Routine, by The J.A.M., from Death of a Comedian
Chief: Only one? Well, I guess that means the competition didn’t stand a chance. We salute our really big winner, The J.A.M.!
::The J.A.M. and Dale calmly pad down to the podium as the band plays “Born To Be Alive”. Foxglove cheers and whistles like crazy for her male::
Dale: Uh, Foxy, thanks, but if you keep that up, Gadget might end up deaf!
::Then he turned to the jaguar next to him::
Dale: Wow, J.A.M., you’re right! There’s not much point in being the only nominee!”
J.A.M : Maybe the international competition has a strange sense of humour?
Dale: Hey! I’ll have you know that my routine was carefully timed!! It was the Comedian’s best performance ever!!
::Foxglove stood and cheered loudly again at this, and a few others in the audience joined her. After they calmed down, Dale turned serious::
Dale: I’ve never—well—felt so—free to be myself, you know. Thanks for letting me make others feel happy.
::He suddenly hugged the onça tight, who then spoke with a bit of effort::
J.A.M.: I shouldn’t have let him use the gym that long!! Well, while he expresses his gratitude, I wanna thank Roy Neal Grissom and John Nowak for the two jokes they contributed! Also, a big thank you to Jerry Seinfeld and Andrés Bustamante, because it was their styles and mannerisms which I based most of the performance on.
Also, thanks to Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Gallagher, ‘Wierd’ Al Yankovic, and all the other great comedians I’ve seen over the years, for the inspiration of this particular segment. Which, I might add, was the most difficult for me to write, since I myself am a *very* serious person, which is why I asked for everyone’s help *from the start of the story,* mind you, and I only got two responses!!
As Dale said, it required careful timing, AND careful choosing of topic, analysis of topic, and a thorough search for absurdity in everyday life as well as the episodes and fanfics that went before this story.
::The J.A.M.’s acceptance speech begins rolling off the stage, due to its length. Indy hands Dale a pair of scissors and the munk clips off the excess. Dale starts to use them like castanets, but Indy intercepts him, knowing how tempting it would be. The jaguar returns to his abbreviated speech::
J.A.M.: Heh, um…¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO…!!!
::Both left the stage again, and Foxglove resumes her loud cheering, and doesn't stop until the chief kiwi speaks again::
Chief: Weren’t they great folks? Thank yoooou, and it was a really big treat, right here and right now!
::The chief waves and walks off the stage, to the applause of the crowd::
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International Award for Best Plot Twist
::Another spaceship comes onto the stage, and this time Dale climbs out. Only it’s not Dale—the chipmunk changes form and turns into DTZ, the alien shapeshifter who pretended to be Dale in “Dale Beside Himself”. The yellow-colored alien turns the bottom of his body into a spring and bounces over to the podium::
DTZ: Greetings from the planet Fleeblebrox!
::The audience claps and responds in kind::
DTZ: I told Bric and Brac that Earth was a much more interesting place, but they still won’t listen. They’re off buying groceries on Umchuk Five. But while they’re busy, I’ll announce the nominees for Best Plot Twist.
::DTZ starts reading off the list, taking the shape of the author as he does::
The result of the C+G marriage, by Roman Bulygin (translated by Aivars Liepa,) from Chip + Gadget = Yes
DTZ: Another one-nominee category. Well, it makes the voting easier! I’d say the winner’s Roman, but we’d better make sure…
::DTZ opens the envelope::
DTZ: Yep, it’s yours, Roman!
::DTZ transforms himself to appear as Roman::
DTZ: He says thanks a bunch for the award—he’s snowed in like the rest of them at the airport. Too bad you people haven’t invented matter-energy transport yet. Good night, everyone! Oh, and keep your sets tuned on January 3rd—you never know!
::DTZ takes the trophy and transforms back to his old self, bounding off the stage::
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International Award for Best Dialogue, Line or Quote
::A puff of purple smoke envelops the stage, and an unseen character speaks mysteriously::
DW: I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the annoying itch that you can’t quite reach! I…AM—
::The smoke clears, to reveal DarkWing Duck staring at a bunch of confused Rangerphiles::
DW: …*so* in the wrong place. Okie, bye!
::DarkWing runs off the stage and is replaced by Tommy Chow, underhanded nephew of the nefarious villain in “Puffed Rangers” who was shrinking cars and smuggling them as toy prizes in boxes of Puffy Wuffy cereal::
Tommy: Well, that was certainly a bold entrance. I am pleased to be here, and to tell you that thanks to the Rangers’ influence I have now reformed. I am working as a supervisor in a legitimate car assembly plant now, and doing well. So, let me thank my friends by announcing the nominees for Best Dialogue Line or Quote.
Chip & Dale's heated argument, by The J.A.M., from Death of a Comedian (Chapter tessares)
Dale & Foxglove discipline the Batmunk, by The J.A.M., from I Dream of the New Ranger
Foxglove's argument on the second ending, by The J.A.M., from Let's Suppose Chip & Dale Behaved Slightly Differently After The Kidnapping
Tommy: Hmm, I wonder who could have won…
::The audience chuckles, as Tommy tears open the envelope::
Tommy. The J.A.M., for Chip&Dale's heated argument, from DoAC!
::The audience roars just as loud as the jaguar does::
J.A.M.:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡¡¡GOL, GOL, GOL, GOL, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!
::He, Chris Silva, and the chipmunks run down to the stage, and the band plays “Little Girl”. Once there, the onça decide to wait for Chip and Dale to stop fighting for the microphone::
Dale: HeyIwannagivemyspeech!!
Chip: WaityourturndummyI’mtheleadersoIgettospeakfirst!!
Dale: Noyoudon’t!Thestorywasaboutme!
Chip: Itwasaboutallofus!
::Suddenly both chipmunks are silenced by two furry paws that clamp their mouths shut. The panther finally speaks::
J.A.M.: AHEM!!! Wow, THREE nominations!! What I *think* these two best of friends are trying to say is that they’re both REALLY happy that you voted for them. Any friendship has its snags, and when they pile up over time, a trauma can make things get ugly, but if the friendship is strong, like YOURS, GUYS—
::The chipmunks stop struggling and calm down, finally. The J.A.M. continues::
J.A.M.: —then it can survive, and come out cleansed and stronger than before, am I right, guys?
::He releases the chipmunks, and both remain hushed, as does the audience::
Dale: It was—it was intense.
Chip: And revealing. Dale, I wouldn’t have anyone else for a best friend.
Dale: Aww, shucks, Chip!!
::The chipmunks hug, and the jaguar hugs them both. The audience stands and roars, and a few cried as well::
J.A.M.: Also, I’d also like to thank most of all Christopher Silva, because he’s the one who originally wrote ‘Dale’s’ Lament’. I simply took Dale’s speech and adapted it to my story, so he deserves this award just as much. Chris, do you wanna say a few words?”
Chris: Thank you, J.A.M. I'm glad you found my material helpful and I'm flattered you felt it good enough to be part of your epic story.
::The four take their awards, give an elegant bow, and leave the stage. Tommy bows respectfully and exits. DarkWing is backstage at the buffet, fighting Dale to get to the Puffy Wuffies Krispies dessert tray::
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International Award for Best Moment in a Fanfic
::The music from “Hunt For Red October” begins to play, and an octopus in a sailor’s cap comes out on stage wearing diving helmet filled with water and carrying a fish bowl. In the bowl is a fish, wearing a captain’s hat. Yes, it’s the notorious Captain Finn and his trusty right arms, All Hands. All Hands places Finn’s bowl on the podium and brings the microphone near to the bowl’s rim. Finn crawls up to the rim, putting his fins over the rim to hold himself in place::
Finn: As you can see, air breathers, we are still alive.
::Finn dips back down into the bowl, a practice he has to keep up after every sentence he says. The fish re-emerges::
Finn: I have mellowed somewhat in my views, but I still think that air breathers should have more respect for those of us that inhabit the sea. Nonetheless, let us put hard feelings of the past aside. I am here to announce the nominees for Best Moment in a Fanfiction. All Hands!
All Hands: Yes, sir! Right away, captain, sir!
::All Hands procures the list of nominees and holds it up for the captain to read::
Finn: And the nominees are:
Dale & Foxglove's “blackout” scene, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
Dale getting hit and falling down the wall, by Aivars Liepa, from “A Fantasy General”
End of “Dogfight”, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
Finn: Very good. Mister Starfish!
::Mister Starfish, a piratical-looking starfish, emerges from off-stage and harpoons the envelope from the shocked stage hand, then reels it in and delivers it to Captain Finn::
Finn: And now, the winner…The J.A.M. for the End of “Dogfight”, “Death of a Comedian”.
J.A.M.:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!
::Now, the band plays “Desesperada”. Dale, Foxglove, Otis, and Clarice follow the jaguar down to the podium::
Dale: But waitaminit, the end of the dogfight wasn’t the climax of the story!
Clarice: No, but it *was* almost as intense, darling.
Otis: Yeah. Falling down from that height isn’t something ANY bat wants to go through.
Foxy: Or ANY mammal.
Dale: Or a bird. Say, you-know-who isn’t here anymore?
::Foxy gives him a tender yet somber look::
Foxy: Not after what you did to her, Cute Stuff. I’ve never seen you so brave, not even when we fought Winifred.
::Dale smiles in return::
Dale: Hey, you were quite brave yourself, Foxy!
Otis: And you, Clarice, brought forth braveness in me I didn’t know I had!
Clarice: Thanks, darling. I guess the intensity of it all brought out the best from us?
Dale: And the Final Decision, too.
::Dale lowers his head, making everyone do the same and hush. Seeing that they had no more to say, the onça speaks::
J.A.M.: Hey, two in a row! Ultimate Circumstances like this don’t happen too often, and when they do, they show who you *really* are. And we all saw who *they* really are: two couples who love each other to the end. You can’t get much more loving than that! Thanks also to Aivars Liepa for writing an intense scene himself.
::Everyone takes their awards and as they leave, the jaguar chants again, “¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO…!!!”::
…wings flapped…
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International Award for Best Use of a Series Character (One-Shot)
::A rat in a white lab coat steps out on stage, and the music from “Back To the Future” starts to play. The rat’s blond hair is frizzled on top, and he appears to have just stuck his finger in a light socket. He stops, starts, then begins to walk off until Indy and Rennod shoo him back on stage and whisper some instructions to him. It’s Sparky, the charged-up rat from “Does Pavlov Ring a Bell?” Sparky nods at Indy and Rennod, then has to walk over to them before taking the stage one more time, stopping at the podium::
Sparky: Uh, hello! It’s been a memorable night, I think…
::The audience laughs, knowing Sparky’s tendencies::
Sparky: When I got the invitation to come, I was as happy as Einstein was when he figured out the Theory of Relativity! And that’s plenty happy, mind you. Are any of you interested in quantum mechanics as it relates to multi-dimension theory? Oh, well then I’ll save the joke for next time. Anyway, here are the nominees for Best Use of a One-Shot Series Character:
“Death of a Comedian”, by The J.A.M., using Foxglove
“Death of a Comedian”, by The J.A.M., using Canina LaFur
“Death of a Comedian”, by The J.A.M., using Sparky & Buzz
“Lahwhinie Goes Hawaiian”, by Rem, using Lahwhinie
“Lahwhinie Goes Hawaiian”, by Rem, using Shaka-Baka
::Sparky takes hold of an electric letter opener, which begins operating the moment he touches it::
Sparky: And the winner is…oh, wait…what was the category again?
Indy and Rennod: You already announced it!
Sparky: I did? Oh, then I’d better announce the nominees.
Audience: You did that!
Sparky: Oh! Then I’d better announce the winner!
::The entire audience breathes out a sigh of relief::
Sparky: The winner is Foxglove, for “Death of a Comedian”, by The J.A.M.!
J.A.M.:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!
::The band plays “My Heart Will Go On” as the jaguar bounds to the stage once more, while Foxglove flies above him to meet him at the podium. There, the bat lady blows kisses at everyone with her wings, especially at Dale who is jumping in his seat and cheering and whistling loudest of all. It takes a while for the audience to calm down, and that brings a tear or two to Foxglove. But even after the audience hushes, Dale continues whistling loudly until Chip bonks him, making the audience chuckle again. Emotionally, the pipistrell speaks::
Foxy: Um…sorry for Lahwhinie and the other nominees, I guess…
::Crying openly, she continues::
Foxy: I’m—so happy to receive this award—I’ve never been through so much, not only in this story, but in all the ones you’ve made—and received a more than the ample reward at the end of *this* story—I made so many new friends—and so many new fans—I got a new family too—and that includes you all—
::The audience claps at this, and some begin crying too::
Foxy: I can’t understand—why I only got one episode—but you all have brought me forth—and made me such a deep character—I thought I would be lost in oblivion forever—thank you Otis, for being with me—thanks, Feyyanna, also for being with me—thanks to Richard and Rosie—for all your support—to all the Rangers—and to you Dale—
::She can’t speak anymore, so the jaguar takes over::
J.A.M.: And thanks again to Bruce Talkington, Foxglove’s *true* father, for creating such a wonderful character, and to Deborah Walley—
::The audience goes silent at this name for several moments::
J.A.M.: …because we all know that wherever you are you’re watching us and cheering us on. Thanks also to Roy Neal Grissom for his fanfics, which inspired me to develop and make her deep and complex. And to all of you, for loving Foxglove, and for lifting her higher than she could possibly fly.
::He takes his award, holds it high, and both leave the podium::
J.A.M.: ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO…!!!
::Sparky joins in with The J.A.M.’s cheer for a moment, then assumes a look of total confusion::
Sparky: I thought we were in New York. Oh well, ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!
::The lab rat leads the cheers as he leaves the stage, then promptly starts back to the podium::
Indy: What are you doing?
Sparky: I’ve got to present the award!
Indy and Rennod: You just did that!!!
Sparky: Oh, then I’d better be heading off. Bye, everyone!
::The audience chuckles some more as Sparky walks off stage::
…wings flapped…
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International Award for Best Characterization of the Rangers
::From offstage, a dog barks, “Ruff, ruffruff RUFF ruuuuff!”. Through the curtain, swinging on a rope, comes a German Shepard in a superhero’s outfit. Right behind him is a similarly-bedecked white bird. Flash the Wonder Dog and Conrad Cockatoo land perfectly right next to the podium, and the crowd stands and cheers. Then another Flash and Conrad come out, the real ones this time, and they shake hands with their stunt doubles, who leave the stage::
Flash: Still can’t do my own stunts, folks!
::The crowd laughs a bit, but politely::
Flash: Conrad and I are pleased to be here to award—
::One of the Rangerphiles stands up and whistles, his arms full of Flash the Wonderdog merchandise::
Flash (the Rangerphile): You tell ‘em, Flash! You da dog! YEAAAH!
Flash (the Wonderdog): Fans, gotta love ‘em. I’ll tend to signing your collectibles after the show. And now, the nominees for Best Characterization of the Rangers:
“A Fantasy General”, by Aivars Liepa
“Death of a Comedian”, by The J.A.M.
::Flash begins opening the envelope::
Flash: Anyone taking odds on who’ll win this one?
::The audience laughs, and several even point in the jaguar’s direction::
Flash: It’s The J.A.M., for “Death of a Comedian”!
::The J.A.M. and the audience get in on it this time::
ALL:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!
::The band plays “Somebody Love Me” again, as all the Rangers and The J.A.M. head for the stage::
Gadget: Golly! That’s four awards in a row that you’ve got, J.A.M.!”
J.A.M: You’re telling me!
Zipper: Yeah! And you really went VERY in depth with all of us, including Foxy!
Dale: But wasn’t I out of character through most of the story?
Monty: Well, you had a good reason, lad. And where you *were* in character. You were your ultimate self!
Chip: It was your moment of glory, Dale.
Foxy: And BOY did he get glory!
::Foxglove gives him a HUGE hug. While Dale strains to inhale again, the onça steps up to the mike::
J.A.M.: True characterisation not only involves knowing the characters like the back of your hand, it’s also important to, well, basically get inside their heads and keep track of their thought patterns. It’s exhausting, but as you can see, it’s well worth the effort. Thanks to Roy Neal Grissom again, for sending that videotape, where I could see all of you guys in ENGLISH and so get your characterisations correct. Thanks to Aivars Liepa, too, for ‘A Fantasy General’. And thanks to everyone for their vote! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO…!!!
::The Rangers leave the podium, chanting along with the jaguar, and clear the stage. Flash and Conrad salute the crowd and leave to heavy applause. Something moves way up in the rafters…::
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International Award for Best Character Interaction
::A scream comes from behind the curtain, and the audience hears some say, “What did you bring that here for!”. A moment later, something heavy hits the floor, then the same voice says, “what about the rest of youse?” A lot of heavy things hit the floor after that. Then a trio of presenters emerges onto the stage. Rat Capone leads the way, followed by Arnold Mouseneggar and Sugar Ray Lizard. Some scattered boos (led mainly by Dale) echo throughout the place. Rat growls at him and Dale smiles and waves back::
Rat Capone: Listen up, youse! We three are in the road to rehabilitation, so we don’t want to have to resort to anything physical to get our point across tonight. That’s why I insisted my associates here discard their, er, accessories in case the coppers, er, members of the local law enforcement happened to be watching.
Arnold: Yeah, and besides once this is over, we’re going to—
Rat: Shaddap!
Arnold: Oh yeah, I forgot we weren’t supposed to tell about the bank and all.
::Rat gives the audience an alligator smile. Everyone’s crossed their arms in suspicion by this point::
Rat: Uh, heh, heh. Don’t mind him, folks. He’s just a little dim-witted is all.
::Rat mutters under his breath, “and very dead-witted when I get through with him”::
Rat: Anyways, we are here to tell youse about who win this here award for Best Character Interaction. The lucky stiffs, uh nominees, are:
Chip & Dale's heated argument, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”, chapter tessares Dale & Foxy's "joint hallucination" scene, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
Foxy sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart", by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
::At this point, a few audience members begin chanting, “Mexico!!!” in eager anticipation::
Rat: WAIT UNTIL I READ IT!
::The audience quiets down, but there are already members of the local police force getting ready::
Rat: And the guy who gets the trophy is The J.A.M., for Chip and Dale’s heated argument!
ALL:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!
::As Chris Silva, Chip, Dale, and The J.A.M. bound down to the stage, the band plays “Little Girl”::
Dale: Zowie, J.A.M.!! That’s five awards in a row—!! Huh?
::Rat Capone gives them a broom::
Chip: And it looks like a clean sweep, too.
Dale: But what do we do with this?
::The Detective smirked at him::
Chip: I don’t know. Clean *your* side of the room, maybe?
Dale: Or we could have it bronzed for posterity!
::The audience laughs at that comment::
Chip: Let’s just finish this, okay, Dale?
::Chip pushes Dale aside and lets the jaguar speak again::
J.A.M.: Well, interaction involves knowing your characters, and keeping a *very* close track of what they say and the subtle body movements they do, especially in heated arguments such as they one in the story. Thanks to everyone who voted for us, and once again I’d like to thank most of all Christopher Silva, the *original* author of ‘Dale’s’ Lament’, which I took and adapted to my story. Any words, Chris?”
Chris: MEXICO!
::The four take their awards, give an elegant bow, and leave the stage::
ALL: ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO…!!!”
::Rat Capone and his men start heading off stage right when the police nab them. Another one brings all the weapons they’d stolen in his arms and Arnold waves bye-bye to the audience::
Arnold: See you in twenty years or so!
…something stirs…
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International Award for Best Original Villain
::The main theme from “James Bond” begins and a tall and a fashionable French female mouse comes out wearing a sparkling green evening gown with a split that shows off her legs and a V-neck that shows off a little more. Some of the guys cheer and clap, but their dates soon put a stop to that. Desiree de Lure, the French femme fatale who duped Monterey Jack in the episode “Love Is a Many Splintered Thing” takes the podium demurely::
Desiree: Bon soir, and I am enchanteé to be here with you tonight. Monsieur Capone wanted to present this award as well, but I am informed he is on his way now to another kind of presentation.
::The crowd laughs, and Desiree grins::
Desiree: So, bien, it falls to me to present the award for Best Original Villain. I wish my Errol could have been here to help, but ever since the episode in the airport he has not been quite, how do you say, the same. He is in a padded room at home, watching even now. Sweet dreams, Errol!
::Desiree picks up the card in front of her::
Desiree: The nominees are. Un moment, there is but one. Strigidæ, by The J.A.M., from Death of a Comedian.
::Desiree suddenly appears worried::
Desiree: Oh, that is an owl, n’est ce pas?
::Someone in the audience tells her yes. Desiree begins backing off the stage::
Desiree: J.A.M., it’s all yours! Au revoir!
::Here, the jaguar doesn’t holler or chant, but calmly pads down to the stage as the band plays “Just Another Day”. Once at the podium, he speaks::
J.A.M.: Well, that was kinda predictable, wasn’t it? Not much point in being the only nominee. Where are all the other—
“STRIGIDÆEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
[WARP!]
::The jaguar defensively disappears. The owl lady perches on top of the podium, and hoots ominously::
Strigidæ: No, you’re not seeing things. I, STRIGIDÆ, AM STILL ALIVE!! A HA HA HA HA!!!!
::She calms down for a moment, and speaks a bit more calmly::
Strigidæ: You wouldn’t BELIEVE the lines there are to the Ladies’ Room!!
::Few in the audience chuckle, and she continues::
Strigidæ: That is, in ‘I Dream Of The New Ranger’, I’m still alive—and I’m alive thanks to multiple timelines and alternate universes, and thanks to Michael ‘Questy’ Demcio’s Ivana M. Killjoy, for the inspiration of me being *female*, and thanks to suggestions from Roy Neal Grissom and Aivars Liepa. So sleep with one eye open, Rangers!! There *might* be more of me where I came from, A HA HA HA HA!! STRIGIDÆEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
::As suddenly as she arrives, the owl lady leaves::
[UNWARP!!!]
::And the jaguar returns to the land of the visible::
J.A.M.: Um, what she said. I suppose she was the ultimate in villainy since Ivana M. Killjoy, since she can’t be reasoned with or subdued effectively, much less confined for a prolonged period of time, and hence there really wasn’t that much competition.
::Seeing the audience was barely recovering, he simply takes his flag and leaves the stage::
J.A.M.: ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO…!!!
::Off-stage, Desiree gets up, shaken from being so close to the deadly bird::
Desire: Well, at least NOW someone else can get into the ladies’ room!
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International Award for Best Original Female Character
::As the band plays, “I’ll Take You Home Again, Kathleen”, Camembert Kate, Monty’s mother comes on stage. She’s wearing a simple but nice pale blue evening dress, and receives a nice round of applause as she heads for the podium::
Kate: Cheeser, don’t slouch now.
::The spotlight goes to Monty, who had cringed a bit at his mother’s being here::
Monty: Aw, ma!
Kate: Now, you can either straighten up or you can go to your room.
::Laughs and giggles echo throughout the theater, and Monty takes his medicine and straightens up, grumbling::
Kate: That’s better. Now, I’m here to present the award for Best Original Female Character.
::Kate takes a look at the list::
Kate: My, my, there are a few, aren’t there? Well, let me tell you about them:
Dalee Oakmont, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
Feyanna, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
Strigidae, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
::Kate takes the envelope, as the “Mexico” chant starts up again::
Kate: Got to be a winner, and it is—my stars, a three-way tie between them all!
ALL:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!
::Here, both Dalee and Feyyanna both join the jaguar, but the owl lady doesn’t. The band plays “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” as the three bound down to the stage and the podium. Once everyone is there, Kate hands the three a broom.
Dalee: What’s this for?
Kate: For a clean sweep, lass.
::The audience laughs::
Kate: Say, isn’t Strigidæ supposed to be here, too?
Feyyanna: Hey!! Doen’t menshunn *herr*!!
J.A.M.: Right, but it’s okay. I think she’s back in the Ladies’ Room again.
::The J.A.M.’s thoughts were confirmed when a torrent of angry French came from somewhere offstage, along with a very irritated “STRIGIDAAAAAAAÆ!!!” and the audience chuckles again::
J.A.M.: However, I would like to clarify that Dalee here originally appeared in ‘Let’s Suppose Chip & Dale Behaved Slightly Differently After The Kidnapping’, along with her husband and
Chip’s parents, too. Dalee, and Pierre, were created by more or less splitting Dale in two, and Feyyanna was inspired by another original character of mine, Ianna (part of that fanfic I wrote long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away), and her accent was inspired by Brian Jacques ‘Redwall’ series, even though none of his characters speak with her heavy Texas Country accent.
Feyyanna: Weyell, Ah lakk ett.
::He smiles at her, and from out of the audience a whoop comes from a certain Texas prairie bat. Feyyanna waves and Bedivere waves back in return::
J.A.M.: Thanks. And Strigidæ, well, I already told you how she came into being. I would like to add that originally I planned on her being a male, original name ‘Cy’ and voiced by James Earl Jones, but then I saw that there were plenty of male villains already, so I made the change, and had her be voiced by Jackie Burroughs (the evil book in ‘Care Bears Movie’, and Morag The
Tolga Witch in ‘Ewoks’) . Since she’s unavailable right now, I’ll accept this award on her behalf.
::He takes the third award, and the females take theirs::
Dale (from the audience): GO, MOM!!
::Everyone laughs and Otis, also in the audience, gets in the act::
Otis: GO, COUSIN!!!
J.A.M.: Looks like you two got admirers already!
Dalee: All thanks to you, J.A.M.!
J.A.M.: And thanks to everyone who read my stories, and to everyone who voted,
¡Gracias! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO…!!!”
::Instead of waving the flag about, the jaguar takes the broom and sweeps the floor as the three leave, much to Kate’s approval. Kate looks up into the rafters, and wisely makes a hasty departure::
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International Award for Best Original Male Character
::Next up is a rough-looking mouse with a grizzled face, big moustache and black hat. He is Cheddarhead Charlie, Monty’s dad and dressed in his regular Aussie gear. Cheddarhead gets down on the floor like he’s going to do some one-handed push-ups, a la Jack Palance, then gets back up and heads for the podium::
Cheddarhead: Cheddarhead Charlie’s me name, and adventure’s me game! Where’d that big owl lady go off to? I wanna tangle with that overgrown buzzard!
::Cheddarhead looks all around, but can’t see Strigidæ, so he continues::
Cheddarhead: All right, me buckos, I’m here ta announce the winner fer the Best Original Male Character. A right shame I couldn’t have been an original character, because with me brash good looks and the way I kin win a fight, it would’ve been a cinch. But, that’s the breaks. So, let’s see who we got ta pick from:
Clark Jent, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
Dr. Qandlier, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”
The Batmunk, by The J.A.M., from “I Dream of the New Ranger”
::Cheddarhead looks up from the card to the audience::
Cheddarhead: I’m sensing a trend here…
::The audience laughs heartily, as shouts of “Mexico!” went up and Cheddarhead opens the envelope::
Cheddarhead: J.A.M., get yourself and that Batmunk up here!
::This time, the band plays the theme of “Wuzzles”, as the jaguar bounds down again::
ALL:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!
::Strangely enough, the Batmunk joins him and is also bouncing down to the stage with him, *and* he was chanting with him as well. At the podium, they calm down, and the onça lifts the Batmunk so he can speak into the microphone::
Batmunk: Wow, and to think I haven't actually been born yet!!
::The audience laughs at the statement, and his cute voice::
Batmunk: Boy, I loved being the size of Godzilla and crushing all those buildings!! And it was really cool of you to first make me talk like Darth Vader, Mr. J.A.M.!
J.A.M.: Hey, you were 100 metres tall. Do you think it would have been credible if you had talked like *Bink*?"
Batmunk: Ha ha, very funny!
::The jaguar turns to the audience and continues::
J.A.M.: Heh, I guess we won this award paws down? Weren't there other nominees here?
::Both looked around, but saw no one else::
Batmunk: So much for Clark Jent and Dr. Qandlier. Looks like we won with a clean sweep.
J.A.M.: True. I guess the story *everyone's afraid to comment on* finally got some recognition!! I'd like to thank Jack Hannah and Bruce Talkington for creating Dale and Foxglove, and Ken Koonce and David Wiemers for creating the Wuzzles, because they all came together for my inspiration to create the Batmunk here.
::The Batmunk looks questioningly at The J.A.M.::
Batmunk: Say, should we tell them my name, finally?
::The jaguar rubs his chin, thinking about it::
J.A.M.: Nah, not yet.
::The audience laughs::
J.A.M.: I'd also like to thank James Earl Jones for providing the inspiration for the voice in the giant Batmunk, and to Richard Beals for providing the *present* voice, *and* for voicing a character I *so* much liked a long while back: Scat of Biskitt Island.
::Then, for some reason, his voice turned stoic and began repeating himself::
J.A.M.: Muy bien, muchas gracias amigos, estamos muy agradecidos-y muy agradecidos-y muy
agradecidos-y *muy* agradecidos-y *muy* agradecidos-y *muy* agradecidos-
Batmunk: ¿Qué?
J.A.M.: Tu cállate, Chino. -y *muy* agradecidos-y *muy* agradecidos-
::The spotlight on them faded away, and some thought they heard the Batmunk shout, "Sodas!!" but finally, the two ended their Mexican inside joke::
J.A.M.: ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO.!!!
::Waving his broom and flag, the jaguar clears the stage with his award under his arm, along with the Batmunk, who flies above him. Cheddarhead makes a few practice punches in the air, then heads out. The announcer comes back on over the P.A. system::
Dr. Batorious: When we return, we’ll have the remaining awards in the International categories, including Best Drama, Best Author, and the award for Outstanding Achievement. We’ll be right back…
Proceed to Part 3