US Award for Best Dressing (Art)

::The stage is set for the next award, and Painless Doc Johnson pulls the microphone to him::

Painless: Well, that last acceptance certainly was a surprise of sorts. There've been bigger surprises, like the time when we found out that Lucy wasn't really Rick's Mother's Former Roomates' Fiancee? And none other than the guy who played the first raffle winner in that one episode of Cheers? That sure surprised me! But there are more surprises, and this could be bigger.

::Painless checks his card for a moment::

Painless: So the next category is Best Dressing in Fan Art! The nominees being in descending order:

1) 'Diamondbacks Gadget', by Julie Bihn, identified as nov2001.gif, at Julie's site
2) 'Gadget at a Train Station', by Artist
3) 'Gadget Lucia', by Julie Bihn, identified as dec2001.gif, at Julie's site
4) 'gadplant.gif', by Nathan
And last but not least
5) RM13.jpg (Rustic Beauty), by Ruslan

And the winner is...drumroll please!

::The drummer obliges::

Painless: Rustic Beauty, by Ruslan!

::Gadget returns followed by Monty, who volunteered to handle the award-moving this time::

Gadget: Okay, I’ve got his telephoned acceptance speech here somewhere…golly I need to build a mini-rolodex sometime…

::Gadget takes a moment to write down that idea, then locates the note she’s after::

Gadget: Here it is! Ruslan said thanks a bunch for liking his picture, and for giving it an award. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m freezing my buns off in this airport, so I’m heading for the bus, and…oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to read that part…

::Gadget blushes, to the crowd’s amusement::

Gadget: Uh anyway, he really liked getting this award and all, and—

Monty: Gadget-luv? Give it a rest, less.

::Gadget shrugs and waves to the crowd as Monty totes the award to be shipped to Russia::

US Award for Best Solo Illustration

::Hawnurra, the mountain lion creation of Karl, tugs at his tuxedo collar offstage left::

Hawnurra: How on Earth did Gertie look so comfortable out there when she did this at the last Platos? Oops! There’s my cue!

::Strolling to the podium, the North American cougar looks suave, confident, perhaps a tiny bit dangerous. The audience couldn’t know his disdainful expression was the result of a near panic-attack. He starts to speak, but all that comes out is a slight choking sound.::

Hawnurra: Grrk.

::The audience takes it as a growl, for he was known to be a villain::

Hawnurra: And now for the nominees for Best Solo Illustration.

::He waves that envelope::

Hawnurra: Wouldn't YOU like to know? I'm not going to tell you, though!

::He smiles, a human trait that large carnivores should never perform before crowds, and continues. He had carefully sharpened his claws to allow a clean and elegant opening of the envelope. Unfortunately, his podium faux pas had altered things and his raggedly broken claw eviscerated the envelope in a most brutal manner. He just wanted to go home. But - the show must go on.::

Hawnurra: I will tell you this, however - The WINNER is Claire Hunter, for “Chip as Indy”! Claire Hunter, come on doooooown!

::Silence reigns supreme once again, then Hawnurra thinks to look in the envelope::

Hawnurra: Oh, I see. She can’t be with us tonight, but she sent a nice thank-you note. “I’m really glad to get this award. This is the first one I’ve ever gotten and it’s neat to be thanked by a whole community, even if I was the only nomination. Glad I could add something!” Well, isn’t that nice?

::The audience applauds politely, and Hawnurra passes the award along to be sent to Claire::

US Award for Best Fanfic-Inspired Illustration

::Hawnurra settles himself behind the podium once again::

Hawnurra: Greetings, my friends. Tonight I have been given the honor of presenting the awards for Best Solo Illustration and Best Fanfic-inspired Illustration. The nominees for Best Fanfic
inspired Illustration arrrrrre:

::Another “growl”, this one inspired by his accidentally catching a claw-tip of his on the podium while reaching for the envelope. That HURT. The audience is impressed. He displays the envelope, continuing::

The cover illustration for ‘Times of Their Lives’, by Charles Williams
‘Betrayed’, by Kristopher Smith
The explosion illustration from ‘The Day Dale Became Smart’, by Kristopher Smith
The ‘Interrogation of Foxy’ illustration for ‘Home is Where You Hang Upside Down’, by Ilya Pestov
The RAFcv.jpg illustration by Morgan Kohl
And last but not least the cover illustration for ‘The Gift of Thundera’, by Charles Williams.

::He pauses a moment, for dramatic effect. He plucks the sheet of paper from the envelope with his undamaged hand, and announces::

Hawnurra: And the winner is Charles Williams, for the cover to ‘Times of Their Lives’! I see here though that we couldn’t get in touch with Charles, so Indy has asked to say a few words on his behalf.

::Indy comes out, standing next to the cougar::

Indy: I remember when I saw Charles’ first drawing, and thinking, “that’s the most impressive thing I’ve seen”. And then he was gracious enough to do a cover illustration for my first story, “The Gift of Thundera”. I was so thrilled! It was like someone thought enough of what I did to put that kind of effort into giving the story artistic form. And then he followed up with “The Times of Their Lives” and it was ten times beyond that. I’m not an emotional man, but I nearly cried when I saw how wonderfully he’d brought my ideas out like that. Such a talent is rare, but so, so appreciated. Thank you, Charles, wherever you are!

::The crowd stands, applauding. Indy and the cougar wave and take the trophy with them. During the break, Hawnurra has one of the on-site nurses take a look at his claw. She finds the damage is minimal and a heavy-duty nail file does the trick. The cougar even gets a date to the fanfic characters’ New Year’s Eve ball, which is quite a feat for a feared predator::

US Award for Best Portrait

::Tammy walks out onto the stage, dressed in a blue sequin dress. and flashes a smile at the audience::

Tammy: Hi again! I’ll be presenting the award for Best Portrait tonight. The nominees are:

Gadget Sitting, Mopey, by Claire Hunter.
Gadget Working on the Computer, by Shelley Pleger.
Oily Gadget

::She looks at the back of the auditorium as a fan boy pants uncontrollably at this, before being whacked by Chip and dragged away::

Tammy: Uh, as I said, Oily Gadget, by Polo Jasso…
Pretty Bat Girl, by Chip’n Death
Tammy Reclining, by Konstanin “Loki” Gloohov.

::Tammy giggles::

Tammy: I know which one I voted for…

::She regains her professional lien and continues::

Tammy: A portrait is very difficult, because not only must the artist be able to draw, or paint the subject as they appear in life, but he must also able to capture the essence of what makes that person unique and special.

::The teenaged squirrel pushes the display button on the lectern, making the big screen show the works and artists names::

Tammy: All of these artworks are of superb quality, and each of their creators deserves a round of applause.

::The audience gives a hearty applause, before Tammy again speaks::

Tammy: I’d like to talk to all you people some more, but Chip’s back there signaling that my time’s up. Don’t worry Chipper! I’ll be right with you!

::She waves at the object of her crush, who promptly smacks his face with the palm of his hand.  Everyone laughs as Tammy opens her envelope, and reads the results::

Tammy: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the award for Best Portrait is Shelley Pleger, for Gadget Working on the Computer! Shelley couldn’t be here tonight, but she’s sent along someone special to accept for her….::gasp:: DANNY!

::Danny, the song-and-dance cat from “Cats Don’t Dance” takes the stage, doing a little improvisational bit as he comes to the podium. Tammy hugs him tightly, cutting off his oxygen supply momentarily::

Danny: Uh, gee thanks! Hey out there in Rangerland, and around the world! It’s really great to be here and accept this award on behalf of Shelley. She’s done so much to advance my career on the Internet that I thought I’d volunteer and return the favor. It just goes to show that you really can do anything if you try!

::Danny accepts the award and manages to dodge Tammy’s repeated attempts to hug him again, to her frustration, as he leaves the stage singing and dancing::

US Award for Best Grayscale B&W Image

::Boris "BOWLER", CD’s Russian creation, walks over to the stage while the band plays Zangief's Stage theme (Street Fighter II). Being the only Russian character to make the ceremony and represent his native country, he walks out proudly. He takes the podium, speaking in a heavy and deep Russian accent::

Boris: I am honored being in your capitalist country. Russia's finest will be presenting you the...

::He responds to a call from off-stage from Indy. Boris salutes::

Boris: Boris reporting, what's up comrade? What I’m doing? Well I'll be doing the German scale award! Oh, you mean to say it's GRAYSCALE? Well, don't talk with that stupid American accent then!

::Boris fumes as he turns back to the audience, noting their disapproving looks::

Boris: It seems they agree with me. Swearing is, after all, a sign of a good friendship in America. I'll be presenting tonight’s Grayscale Image award. Ah, the memories that brings up of old country in past. Grey coats on men, gray dresses on woman, gray skies giving blessed snow. Ah, was paradise…

::Boris loses himself in his revelings for a moment, then comes out of it::

Boris: Anyway, the nominated persons for this year will be...
Claire Hunter, with the pic of "Chip as Indy"
Nathan "Teargas", the brain behind "gadfavabimeB.jpg"
Artist, who produced "Gadget at a Train Station"
Konstantin "Loki" Gloohov, who drew "Gadget Leaning On Top of a Wall and Looking Straight Ahead"

::Boris takes the envelope and opens it, reads the card and throws it over to the cleanup crew::

Boris: I knew it. The winner is tie. Oh wait, that means tie for the winner? But everyone here has tie already!

::Indy shouts something from offstage::

Boris: Oh, is tie like in two people win! Ah, now I see. So, we have winning Claire Hunter and Artist. England and Russia, together again like in James Bond movie!

::Boris takes out an additional piece of paper::

Boris: Neither could be being here tonight, so I accept for both. Claire is excellent drawer, and I am much liking her picture of Indy, even if he is bourgeois American hero. Artist is honored brother Russian who paints beautiful traditional picture, so to him I say excellent job, comrade!

US Award for Best B&W Line Art

Best Black and White, or Line Art.

::Dale walks out onto the stage, waving at his adoring fans::::

Dale: Thank you, a-thank you! You’re beautiful!

::As the audience settles down, Dale begins his presentation::

Dale: The Ranger community has many talented people in its ranks, and their contributions are one of the greatest aspects of our fan group. Some of the most important types of fan creations are the art pieces that have been done over the years. As someone who appreciates interesting sights, I am especially glad that we have so many talented artists here tonight, and I am happy to be presenting the award for Best Line Art.

::He hits a button on the lectern, and behind him on the big screen appear images off all the nominated pieces, with the artist’s name below them::

Dale: Black and White art is one of my favorite kinds, because it leaves no distractions to hide or disguise the truth of the artist’s vision. We have four excellent examples of this difficult, but rewarding art form that were nominated. Foxy the Succubus, by Fubar Fox. Send in the Clones, by Robert Knaus. Service With A Smile, by Matt Plotecher, and Zanzibar, also by the esteemed Mr. Plotecher.

::The audience applauds, and Dale waits until the clapping dies down::

Dale: All of these works are great examples of Line Art, but personally, I have to say that any picture with Foxy in it gets extra points with me…

:: He winks at the aforementioned bat, who blushes and smiles cutely. The flirtatious moment over, Dale reaches into the pocket of his tux, and withdraws the winner’s envelope::

Dale: Now, let’s see who won this puppy!

::He tears the envelope open, and reads the result::

Dale: And the winner is…wowie-zowie! Matt Plotecher, for Zanzibar!

::Mrs. Kan Sun strides out on stage, dressed in a bright red dress covered with  intricate patterns woven in (apparently) golden threads that glimmer and sheen under the stage lights. Her eyes are bright, and her smile shines brighter as she reaches the podium to accept the award::

Kan: On behalf of Matt, I'd like to thank you all for this award. The "Covers That Never Were" series remain close to Matt's heart, and "Zanzibar" is one of his favorites from that series. To everyone who has ever thought about what tale lurked behind the "Zanzibar" drawing—this is your award, too.

::She bows respectfully and then leaves. The audience claps, then, mission completed, Dale begins to walk offstage when he notices the audience staring at him, waiting for a joke or mishap. He puts his hands on his hips indignantly::

Dale: What! Can’t a guy have a serious moment every now and again?

::With that, he begins to walk off stage in a dignified manner, failing to notice the extension cord on the floor. Dale trips and begins windmilling, trying to keep his feet. This continues offstage left, and a crash can be heard in the dining hall across the way, along with Chip’s exasperated cry::

Chip: Dale! Get off me, and take that bucket off your head! Why don’t you watch where you’re falling!

US Award for Best Color Rendered Image

::Stephen C., the Café’s Technical Uber-Person, walks up to the podium. Once there, he removes his shoe and begins repeatedly banging the podium with it.::


::An unknown person races on stage and interrupts.::


::The unknown person whispers something in Stephen's ear.::

Stephen: What do you mean?  Of course this is the U.N., just look at all those blank stares! And see, there's Kofi Annan in the front row, and...

::More whispering::

Stephen: Oh, that ISN'T Kofi Annan, is it? Yes, the terrible lighting did throw me off....

::More whispering::

Stephen: You took me here FIRST? No, no, the U.N. "meeting" was supposed to be first.

::More whispering::

Stephen: Well see? Someone else made the same mistake so don’t blame ME for it! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well, then. Once again, something that could have been BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION YESTERDAY!!!

::Stephen pulls out a Palm Pilot from his shirt pocket.::

Stephen: Er, actually, DID bring this to my attention yesterday. See, the meetings are switched in here...well, my bad, then.

::Stephen faces the audience again, smiles nervously, and speaks directly into the microphone::

Stephen: Let's try that again, shall we? Eh heh...heh heh...heh.  Heh. Ahem...

::Stephen pulls a piece of paper from his shirt pocket and begins reading, nervously::

Stephen: a...medium...

::He pauses and stares at the sheet for a moment.::

Stephen: You know what?  This speech is absolutely abysmal.  I'm just going to wing it.

::He hands the paper to the still unknown person.::

Stephen: Here, go burn this. Ahem...I'm here to present the awards for Best....

::He is interrupted by more whispering.::

Stephen: YES, you may use the ROOM WITH THE BIG LASER, if that enthralls you so!

::The unknown person races off stage.::

Stephen: And the director-like person in front here is informing me that I have exactly 15 seconds to finish this segment.  So, we'll go with the ultra-terse presentation....Category, Best Rendered Color Image.  Nominees...

Claire07.jpg, by Claire
Cyber3.jpg, by Morgan Kohl
Gadget on a Wintry Day, by Rebekah Henderson
Gadget's Go-Cart, by Shelley Pleger
RAFcv.jpg, by Morgan Kohl

Stephen: And the winner is Gadget’s Go-Cart! Hey, why didn’t I get one of those for Christmas!

::The orchestra plays the song “Hollywood” from  “Cats Don’t Dance” and Danny comes back on stage to accept for Shelley Pleger. This time he’s too caught up into the music to head to the podium and starts doing a command performance. Stephen goes over and tries to stop him::

Stephen: Danny…uh, Danny?

Danny (singing): …look at me, I’m gonna be the cat to see…

::Stephen takes hold of Danny’s arm and quickly the human is whisked in a spin by the hoofer::

Danny (singing): HOL-LY-WOOD!

::Danny throws up his arms, knocking Stephen back toward the podium::

Danny (singing): ..where the street are pa-aved with gold! Where kitties never grow old…in HOL-LY-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

::Danny puts on a tremendous dancing finish, leaping and landing on top of the podium, to the standing applause of everyone::

Danny: Gee thanks, everyone! And Shelley thanks you too for this great award!

::Danny takes the award offstage, waving to the crowd, and one of the stagehands has to come and help drag an exhausted Stephen C. off to stage left::

US Award for Best Flat Image

::Stephen, now recovered from Danny’s performance, is now on a cell phone at the podium::

Stephen: ...the Academy can’t deny me once I become Overlord of Earth. What do you mean, you have to actually do something in Hollywood to be eligible? Well, that’s stupid! How did “Titanic” manage to win anything? Look, I’ll deal with them myself. Oh, and call the finance office and tell them to unlock the “Special Projects” fund. Okay...okay, I really have to go. I’m on stage. Okay...OKAY. Bye. Bye. BYE!

::He hangs up.::

Stephen: Heh heh. Sorry about that. Anyway, in the Best Flat Colored Image category, the nominees are:

Gadget, arms crossed, by Ruslan Matvienko
Gadgetara, by Claire Hunter
RR Girls, by Chip ‘n Death

Stephen: And the winner is—ooh, la la! RR Girls, by Chip ‘n Death! Well, you guys know he isn’t here, so let me read what he has to say…he says he’s very pleased to have won this award and glad he could contribute something to the community that’s brought out so many creative things. Well, that does it…

::The unknown person comes out again, whispering in Stephen’s ear::

Stephen: Yes, bring the car around! Do you think I’m going to WALK to the U.N.! Good night, folks!

::The crowd applauds as Stephen C. heads out, and he hands off the trophy to be sent to Chip ‘n Death::

US Award for Best Artwork (wait'll you see this one!)

::The music to “Car 54, Where Are You?” comes on::

Voice From the Back: Very funny. No, that ain’t it!

::The music shuts off, then resumes with the theme to “Homicide: Life on the Street”::

Another Voice From the Back: I like this one.
Voice From the Back: Yeah, it’s nice, but that still ain’t it!
Another Voice From the Back: Aww…

::The music shuts off, then comes back with the “Dragnet” theme::

Voice From the Back: No, no—awww, forget it! Let’s just go on out, Mark.
Another Voice: I just know there’s something behind this, Bennie...

::A graying squirrel and sparrow walk to the podium. It’s Bennie Coliss and Mark Chew, the animal detectives from Rennod’s “Claw & Antler: Small Animals Unit” story. The audience greets them with a mixture of boos and applause.::

Mark: Quite a mixed welcome tonight, Bennie.

Bennie: Yeah, Mark. Calm down, we’re not here to serve a warrant.

Mark: No, This time we’re here to present the award for Best Artwork.

Bennie: But first, we’ll see what kind of glorified scribblings got nominated for this thing.

Mark: I’ll announce the nominees...

Bennie: ...And I’ll use my trained law-enforcement eyes to see what these pictures are really showing.

Mark: The nominees for best Artwork this year are:

Bennie: Let’s see what we got...

Mark: Chip as Indy, by Claire Hunter
Bennie: Quite a home security system there, eh?

Mark: Dale and Foxgolve (sculpy), by Ray Jones
Bennie: Hope that’s not a domestic call in progress..
Mark: Gadget Desktop, by Venis959
Bennie: Ain’t that the cat that ate the canary... sorry, Mark.

Mark (winces at the reference): Gadget working on a computer, by Shelley “Dannycat” Pleger
Bennie: Breaking and entering?

Mark: Just a Shadow of my Past, by Matt Plotecher
Bennie: A guilty conscience is a terrible thing to waste.

Mark: RM-13.jpg (Rustic Beauty), by Ruslan
Bennie: An illegal immigrant?

Mark: RM-14.jpg (Simple), by Ruslan
Bennie: The classic suspect with something to hide.

Mark: Are you finished yet?

Bennie: Nope.I still gotta announce the winner.

Mark: Just because you have those titanic letter-openers you call front teeth...

Bennie: Hey! Don’t have a nervous beak-down. You can do it next year, eh?

::Mark mutters something about conspiracies::

Bennie (sighs): And the winner is .....

::Bennie looks at the sparrow meaningfully, then uses his front incisors, which are normal squirrel’s teeth, to slice open the envelope. He takes out the small scrap of paper and reads it::

Bennie: Gadget working on a computer, by Shelley Pleger!

Dr. Batorious (announcing): Shelley Pleger couldn’t be here tonight; she’s on location on another project. However, we do have this special acceptance she put together for us. For those of you on the Internet, you can view the acceptance by clicking on this link

Bennie: There’s no warrant. I dunno why she didn’t show.

Mark: So it was unwarranted?

Bennie: (fake laugh) Ha, ha, hey! You made a funny, Mark! Congratulations.

::Mark mutters something inaudible::

Bennie: Ah, come on, we’ll swipe a doughnut on the way back to the station...

::Bennie leads Mark off the stage to the accompaniment of the “Law & Order” theme.::

Bennie: (rolls his eyes) Oh, now they get it right...

::The squirrel shakes his head as they all exit, the music continues. The announcer returns::

Dr. Batorious: And that’s it for the Artistic portion of the United States awards. Next up, the Written categories, including Best Plot Twist, Best Dialogue, and Best Moment in a Fanfic. Stay tuned!

Proceed to Part 6