Editor's Note: This is a parody of the Walt Disney version of Robin Hood, using the cast of the "Cats Don't Dance" movie to portray or parody the various characters. We love both of these animated works, and hopefully this work will show just that.
ith a flourish of bold melody,
the beloved story of Robin Hood opens. As the music ended, Alan-a-Dale (played
by Cranston) came out in a medieval troubador’s costume, dragging a lute in his
hand, the bottom of it plowing the ground. “You know, there’s been a heap of
legends and tall tales...oh, who cares! This outfits’s itching me like
crazy! Let’s get on with it already!”
The scene quickly shifted to the
wily outlaw Robin Hood (played by Danny), and his loyal sidekick Little John
(in this case aptly-named, played by Pudge). They were up in a tree, each
laying on a branch and looking relaxed, taking things at their ease.
“Gee Robin, it’s great to be
helping out the poor and all, but I don’t think they liked the rest of it,”
Little John said.
“What do you mean, Johnny? I
thought the poor people of Nottingham loved getting money,” Robin asked.
Little John sighed, then
explained, “Well, singing ‘Pennies From Heaven’ while throwing the money at
them and dancing in a tux and top hat on top of that seems a little overboard.”
Danny just smiled back. “Hey, I like singing and dancing! I don’t think it’s a
lot to ask. It’s a good exchange—they get money and I get an audience.”
“I don’t know, Rob,” Little John
said. “The last bunch looked like they were ready to throw some food at you,
and you know what kind of sacrifice that is in these parts.”
Their conversation was cut short
when they heard a trumpet blaring in the distance. The two of them parted the
leaves of the giant oak they were in and found a singularly satisfying sight.
It was the caravan of Prince John, the pretended monarch who had taken over in
the absence of King “Crusades or Bust” Richard. With the prince (played by
Flanigan) was Dame Hissy (played by Darla Dimple, in a snake costume). At the moment, the prince was
gloating over the new tax monies his soldiers had seized from the southern
shires.
“Oh, I love money! Love it,
love it, love it!” Prince John said, throwing some shiny coins in the air.
Dame Hissy sneered in annoyance. “Like we hadn’t noticed.”
The puffed-up prince went over to
a crude map attached to the wall of his royal wagon. “And now, it’s on to Nottingham! Then they’ll learn respect for Prince John!” In emphasis, he slammed his fist
on the arm of the chair he was sitting in. His crown came off, coming to rest at
the end of his lengthy pointed nose.
Robin pointed to the carriage
from his hiding place. “I think we should go out there and ask Prince John to
lower the taxes!” Little John checked his coin purse. “Well, we are getting low
on money for arrows and lincoln green cloth. Not to mention the poor, who are
getting low on everything else.”
So said, so done. The two outlaws
disguised themselves as female gypsies and headed for the caravan. When Prince
John saw them he ordered the coach stopped, as he’d heard somewhere that gypsies
could foretell the future—not to mention he was quite gullible. The “gypsies”
in question curtsied kindly to his highness’ benevolence.
“Oh, goody!” Prince John said. “I’ve
never had my fortune told before. And momsy thought I’d be better off at home—bah!”
Robin quickly got lost in his role. “Fortunes told! I can see great things in
store for you, princey. A fortune to be made...I see a play, starring a singing
and dancing cat...”
Little John punched him on the
arm, breaking Robin out of his reverie. “Oh, yeah, I mean I see great things
for you, Prince John...or should I say King John!” The prince nearly
fainted for joy and started jumping up and down. “Just as I thought! Please, do
come inside.”
As they started to do so, Dame
Hissy blocked the way. “What are you doing, sire? These gypsies are vagabonds
and they could be after your royal treasures!”
“Nonsense, no one would dare
steal from me! Be silent, you little viper.”
“It’ssss your funeral.”
Inside the gypsies came and Robin
poured on the honey with tales of wonder of what the duped prince would do
while Little John worked on the outside, ripping off all the valuables he
could. By the time Robin was done, the prince ended up standing at the door of
his carriage in his skivvies, watching as Robin Hood laughed and danced his way
down the road.
“What? I’ve been bamboozled!
Shanghied! Made a fool of!” the prince shouted.
“Not to mention robbed. But they were too late to affect that
lasssst one on the list,” Dame Hissy muttered.
Flanigan brushed her aside. “Hush,
you! After the dancing outlaw!”
Rushing forward, the carriage—minus
its golden hubcaps—soon plunged into the muddy road. Prince John was upset; after
all, it was about the dozenth time this month it had happened. Hissy was beside
him, disapproving.
“It’s not fair!” Prince John
shouted. “But you have to admit, he was a good dancer.”
Hissy harrumphed. “I could dance
better than that, if I could get out of this stupid costume, that is.”
Back at their secret hidden base,
Robin was dancing and singing in a distracted manner while Little John cooked
up some victuals he had procured from the guards. The donut he’d found he
engulfed himself—after all, legendary outlaw leaders have to watch their weight.
“Robin, I know what you’re thinking about, or rather who you’re thinking
about. Just get it over and go to her.”
The comment brought Robin back to
cold reality. He knew all to well that Little John was referring to the lovely
and refined Maid Marian, whom Robin had loved and idolized for many years
forsooth. “I couldn’t do that! I mean, I’m just a cat who tries to lend a helping
paw. I don’t have a castle or tapestries or nice clothes or armor or anything.
I just rob from the rich to feed the poor and perform a complexly-choreographed
dance routine while I do it. What kind of a future could I offer her? I’m an
outlaw, albeit a talented one.”
Friar Tuck (played by Woolie the
Mammoth) took Robin by surprise with his reply and the robed pachyderm emerged
into their secret hidden base. “Oh now, I wouldn’t call you an outlaw, son.
After all, you are single-handedly sustaining the impoverished in this area.
With a lady, such deeds are impressive. But I have come to tell you of a
singular event to be held near Nottingham Castle. Prince John has declared an
archery tournament to determine the best archer in all England.”
“I’m not an archer,” Robin
argued. “Okay, I carry a bow and arrow and all, but that’s just window
dressing! I’m a song and dance cat. What am I supposed to do at an archery
contest?”
Little John tested his small bow.
“You never know what you can do until you try.”
“And besides, there’s two
extra-special prizes,” the friar added. “First a golden arrow...”
“Useless,” Danny said.
The friar grinned. “And presenting
the arrow will be the lovely and refined Maid Marian, whom you have loved and
idolized for many years forsooth, who I hear will offer a kiss to the winner...”
Little John stood up, raising his
eyebrows. “Hey, I think I’ll give it a try for a kiss from her! Uh, that
is, if you’re not interested, Robin.” Robin’s eyes grew large at the thought
and he picked up his bow. “For her, I’ll do it! After all, faint heart never
won fair lady!”
Robin grinned as they headed
off-camera. “I always wanted to say that once.”
“I hope those aren’t your last
words,” Little John said. “And I’m sure she hopes they aren’t too.”
In Nottingham Castle, the hopes they were speaking of belonged to a white-furred feline named Marian (played
by Sawyer). As the king’s royal ward, she had been raised as a high born lady of
quality. When Robin had been a knight and dancing instructor in Richard’s service,
Robin and Marian had crossed paths and fallen in love. Now with the king gone
and the odious Prince John in command, her love was relegated to outlawry.
At the moment, she and Lady Tilly
(played by Tilly, but you probably guessed that) were in her quarters and
Marian was growing impatient. “Where is he, already!” Marian said. “It’s
not like I’m that hard to find. I mean, we’re the only two cats in the kingdom!”
“He’s probably jumping around somewhere,
singing and dancing,” Lady Tilly said. “You know how dance-crazed outlaws can
be. He’s probably not even going to show up, especially if it rains.”
Marian looked over at Tilly.
“What does rain have to do with anything?”
Tilly grinned and started humming
a song, and Marian blinked in sudden understanding. The regally-dressed maid crossed
her arms. “Well that’s just peachy. Here I am, bored stiff in this dank old
castle day after day. They don’t even have decent food here! Maybe I ought to
turn outlaw and skishkabob the cook.”
“Now, now, you’re a respectable
lady and ladies don’t do things like that. You just wait, Robin will show up
eventually and rescue you,” Tilly said.
Marian walked to the window,
looking out into the greenwood. “He’d better.”
The day of the archery tournament
came. Robin and Little John came of course, in disguise. Robin disguised
himself as a fox and Little John as an aristocratic bear. Little John had the
job of distracting the prince while Robin tried to look confident handling his
bow and arrow. Then Robin met the sheriff, played by Max::
“Oh. Uh, hi there sheriff!” Robin
said, waving.
The sheriff peered down at him “HELLO.
I WILL WIIIIIN.”
“Well, we’ll see. Hey, I think
they’re about to start!”
Indeed, the trumpets blew and the
archers lined up to shoot. Marian watched the goings-on with interest, then
noticed a certain gangly-looking fox. She knew in a moment who it was and
clapped her hand over her eyes. “Oh no, what is he thinking? He can’t
shoot the broad side of a barn!”
This statement captured the
prince’s attention. “Are you dissatisfied with the young fox’s shooting, young
Marian?” Sawyer quickly covered up. “Uh, yeah. If it wasn’t for gravity he
couldn’t hit the earth.”
“Sounds like you, princey,”
Hissy said.
Prince John clouted her. “I told
you not to call me that!”
“Go soak your head! Say, what’s
this dumb little bear doing here?”
Little John for his part had
wrangled a seat in the royal box. “I’m a great lover of sport and royalty.
Besides, snakes can’t shoot arrows.”
“Yes, he’s right,” Prince John
said. “Go and mingle with the populace, Dame Hissy.”
“This is discrimination!” Hissy
shouted.
The prince yawned. “Hey, this is
the twelfth century. Get along, little snakey.”
Little John took Hissy’s seat.
“Thanks, P.J. Now, what are the going odds on the fox over there winning this
clambake…”
Dame Hissy left the royal box,
perturbed. She headed for the archery line where she observed Robin and the
sheriff about the shoot. The sheriff went first, the bow in his giant hands
looking like a kid’s toy. The arrow missed the center, but still was a decent
shot. Robin came up to the line.
“Oh well, here goes...”
The outlaw fired and suddenly
there was a brief, violent earthquake, the shaking of which placed the target
in the right place at the right time, scoring a bull’s-eye. Robin had covered
his eyes but dared a peek. “Hey, it worked! I’m a great archer!!!”
“The crowd cheered, Robin bowed,
and Marian and Little John looked perplexed. Dame Hissy shook her head. “Well, that
can’t be Robin. That guy there’s a shooting wonder.”
Robin was all worked up now. “Wow,
I’m going to win! One more shot and I’ll get the kiss and the golden arrow!”
“I WILL WIIIIIN,” the sheriff
retorted.
The sheriff shot his second arrow
and this time someone underneath moved the target so his arrow found the bull’s-eye.
The crowd hollered “cheat!” but as the prince had said it was the twelfth
century and the shot was declared legal.
From underneath, one of the
sheriff’s deputy’s emerged (played by T.W). The turtle looked aside toward the
audience. “It was the only role they said I was qualified for...” Now a hush
fell over the crowd. Could Robin best the sheriff’s shot? Nervously, he approached
the line, every eye on him.
Danny fired again and a meteor
suddenly struck the ground behind the target, sending it up in the air where
Danny’s arrow struck it. “Hey, I got it again!”
The crowd went wild—Robin’s arrow
had split the sheriff’s shaft in two! This of course did not stand well with
the sheriff, who growled and crushed his bow in one of his hands. Robin did an
impromptu dance and bowed, causing Dame Hissy to reconsider.
“Wait, it is him! No one else can
do a flamenco move like that. I must tell the prince!” Hissy said. But before
she could get there, Alan-a-Dale headed her off. “Hey you!” the grumpy goat
said, getting the snake’s attention. “Because of all these stinkin’ taxes, all
I can afford to wear is this itchy costume. So here’s something itchy in
return!”
Cranston loosed a container of
fleas on Dame Hissy, who was soon scratching her head furiously against the nearest
tent pole. With her taken care of, all seemed well for Robin. He approached the
prince’s box confidently where the now-amazed Maid Marian waited for him. Robin
sauntered up and the prince rose to address him.
The prince looked all the way down
his nose at Robin, and half an hour later he addressed him. “So, you’ve done a
fine job, truly worthy of this singular honor, brave sir fox. I commend you, or
rather I condemn you.”
Robin looked up, flustered. “Huh?
Bu..bu..bu..but I won! Didn’t you see me win?”
“Yes, you won—Robin Hood! You
have danced your last steps! Guards, off with his tap shoes!”
That was all Maid Marian could
stand and she moved in front of Prince John. “Now hold on! I admit he’s not the
most thoughtful person around, taking ages to get here, but he’s still the only
other cat in the kingdom and besides...”
“Besides what?” the prince
asked, annoyed. “Come on, come on, I don’t have all day!”
“Oh, all right. I love him! Are
you happy?”
Robin gasped, joyous, then
addressed the prince. “And I love her too! I’ve loved and idolized her for many
years forsooth! Doesn’t that count for anything?”
The prince thought about it. “Wellllllllll....NO!
Off with his head!”
The crowd gasped in abject horror
as the executioner approached. It looked really bad for our hero, but then the
prince had a sudden change of heart. “WAIT!”
The crowd gasped again, this time
in surprise. Behind Prince John’s throne, Little John had the point of his
mumble-peg knife tickling the prince’s ribs. “All right, princey, tell them to
release my pal!”
“Release my pal!” the prince shouted,
then muttered to Little John, “And don’t call me princey.”
The sheriff looked on, confused. “WHAT
DID THE PRINCE JUST SAAAAY?”
Tilly stood up and shouted, “He
said let him go, you big blowhard!”
“Do it, before I get my initials
carved in my back!” the prince added.
The sheriff shrugged and let Robin
go. Marian ran to meet him and Robin took her in his arms. “Hey, did you miss
me, baby? Now we get the big triumphant musical number!”
“Not so fast, dancing boy,”
Marian said. “There’s the little problem of the prince’s men to deal with. Why’d
it take you so long to get here, anyway? And why didn’t you bring those 700-odd
merry men we’re always hearing about?”
“The tryouts took forever,” Robin
replied. “Do you have any idea how long it takes to find 700 merry men who can
sing and dance? Besides, their tap shoes are still on backorder.”
Marian shrugged. “Well, I guess
that makes sense. You are one cute dancer, though.”
Robin and Marian hugged while the
sheriff snooped around. He found Little John and picked him up. “HOW DOES THE
OUTLAW GOOOO?”
“Robin, HELP!” Little John
shouted.
Someone threw Robin a sword and
the fight was on! He got rid of his fox disguise and started dancing, dodging
and weaving while Marian grabbed up a frying pan and began knocking the bad
guys out. Then Robin and Prince John were face to face.
“You’ve had that crown long
enough!” Robin said. “It belongs to King Richard! Hand it over and nobody gets
hurt. I’ll make swiss cheese out of you if you don’t give it up!”
The prince leered back. “It’s
mine! I ripped it off fair and square! Besides, my sheriff has your man
captured!”
“Not for long he doesn’t,” Little
John said.
The prince and the sheriff looked
at Little John, who was enclosed in the sheriff’s hand. The prudent penguin
produced a long hat pin. The sheriff began to sweat and shake his head, but
Little John nodded and gave the big guy one big jab.
“OW.”
He let Little John go, and quickly
Robin and Marian and he headed for the safety of the greenwood, followed by
Robin’s band of outlaws. Lady Tilly though decided to give the prince a piece
of her mind first. “You mean prince! Take that!”
Lady Tilly whopped him with the
golden arrow, which piledrived him into the dirt. He was a little loopy, but
not so much as Dame Hissy, who was scratching her head with anything handy. The
prince pointed in the hippo’s direction from the hole, “Seize the fat one!”
Well, that was all the impetus Lady
Tilly needed. Soldiers and guards came from every direction but she knocked
them down left and right. She left a trail of goons all the way to the woods’
edge. “Long live King Richard! Oh, and have a nice day!”
The prince shook his head—his
goon squad was as incompetent as ever. Then Dame Hissy saw the prince and
rubbed her head against the hilt of his sword. It didn’t do any good, but in a
minute they were both scratching like hounds who hadn’t had a bath in a month
of Sundays.
“I’ll get you for this, Robin Hood!”
the prince shouted. “Now where’s a royal backscratcher when you need one...”
As the scene slowly faded, it
reappeared with a moonlit sky. Light and uplifting music began to play in the
background and from somewhere a lilty voice began singing:
Love...it seems like only yes-ter-day...
As the voice sang, Robin and
Marian appeared, walking through the woods. “Gosh, it’s nice of someone to
serenade us,” Robin said. “I’m sure glad about what you said at the archery
tournament, Marian.”
Marian looked at him, taken
aback. “What? What did I say?”
She looked around nervously and
Robin took her hands.
Life is brief, but when it’s
gone, love goes on and on...
“That you said you loved me. You
know I love you, too. You’re the only one for me.”
Marian breathed easier. “Oh,
good, I must have read the wrong script. Yes, I love you and I didn’t agree to
anything else while I was there, right?”
Once we watched a la-zy world
go by...
Robin looked at her quizzically. “Well
no, not really. I mean, I haven’t even bought a ring yet. Will this do for now?”
Robin picked a flower and wound it gently around one of Sawyer’s fingers. A
firefly came to rest in it.
Marian looked at the “ring” Robin
had just given her. “I suppose, until we can get to Tiffany’s. So, what now? The
prince is never going to let you be a hero. “
“Oh, I have my ways,” Robin said,
staring into Marian’s eyes, a peaceful look coming over him.
She looked up at him,
quizzically. “What?
“Oh nothing. It’s just that your
eyes sparkle in the moonlight. Now I remember why I love and idolize you
forsooth. Let’s go join the others in my secret hidden base.”
Robin led Marian behind a
waterfall, and he heard her protest something about “her fur” but the water’s
roar muffled out the rest. Soon, they entered the camp in the middle of the
greenwood. All of Robin’s band was there, and some of his band had formed a
musical type of band for the festive occasion.
Despite being medieval, the band
was hot and Robin was ready to dance. He went over to Marian. “Now that we’ve
won, can we now have the big triumphant musical number? The one where
we dance while in each other’s arms and then iris out when we kiss?”
“Suppose we’d better,” Marian
said, standing up. “We do have a romantic reputation to uphold, after all.”
Robin led his maiden fair to the
center of the dancing area and they took off. Everyone else joined in,
clapping, singing and dancing. He twirled her left and right, singing along
with the music and grabbing an occasional kiss which caused Marian to poke him
in return. Robin was lost in the beat, though, and didn’t mind. Then, as the
scene began to iris out, the iris stopped as did everyone else, looking at
Marian. She sighed, letting her shoulders droop a little.
“Okay, okay.”
She put her arms around Robin,
looking into his eyes. Then Robin took her in his arms and gave her a smooch to
remember, the crowd shouting its approval. When she came up for air, Marian
gave him a questioning but amused look. “I don’t remember the original Robin
being quite that good a kisser.”
“Well, you knew I had to be good
at something,” Robin said.
Marian laughed and the iris
shrunk down to black. When the scene re-emerged, it was in Prince John’s
castle. The sheriff was walking through a stone hallway, half-dancing to a beat
only he heard. As he emerged into the throne room, Dame Hissy was there and
smiled knowingly at the sheriff’s good mood.
“MORE TAXES, MISS HISSYYYY.”
Hissy smiled greedily as the
sheriff brought over a huge sack of tax money. “Oh yes! Now maybe we can add on
that new sports complex that the prince wants. I’ve always wanted to learn
jousting.”
The prince burst in at that
point, not happy at all. “This is a calamity! A tragedy! A disaster! They’re
laughing and dancing in the streets!”
“Isn’t that normally a good
thing?” Hissy asked.
Not when they’re laughing and
dancing because I was bested by that imbecilic outlaw Robin Hood!”
Hissy laughed a good snakish
laugh. “Yep, he sure made a fool of you, princey! Sheriff, you heard them
celebrating last night, right?”
“GOOOOD MUSIIIC. I DANCED TIL DAAAWN!”
That was all P.J. could take. “Enough
of this! I’ll teach that serf-laden rabble to revel in my misfortunes! Double
the taxes! No, triple them! Squeeze every last drop out of those insolent, uh,
musical peasants...”
“Isn’t that line actually in the
movie?” Hissy asked.
“Sometimes you can’t improve on
perfection.”
As they nodded, the scene shifted
to a rainy day in Nottingham. Alan-a-Dale’s voice narrated the scene. “Yeah, we
whooped it up, but now we’re paying through the nose. That dimwit King Richard
left us this self-important goofball as ruler and now he’s robbing us blind
with tax increases! They even got me, for not being able to pay the ‘Horrible
Music Playing’ tax! So here we all are, chained up in the local hoosegow. And
no, I’m not going to sing, and yes my clothes still itch like crazy!”
About that time, the sheriff
appeared in front of the jail, leading a chained-up Friar Tuck. Alan pushed his
head through the jail bars. “What’re you in for, Friar?”
“I couldn’t pay the ‘Church Bell
Ringing’ tax, and I also made the mistake of beating the sheriff at croquet.”
Alan-a-Dale shook his head then
boinked it several times on the jail bars before getting it back through. The
scene dissolved to a wide view of the castle later that night. Robin had gotten
word that the prince planned to hang Friar Tuck, so it was time for a
jailbreak. He and Little John scaled one of the walls, then pulled back into
the shadows.
“How are we going to get in
there, Robin?” Little John asked. “Want me to rush up to the guards and
overpower them?”
“Well, let’s save that for a
backup plan. Right now, we just need to figure out a way to get the sheriff’s
key and free the prisoners,” Robin said.
The two outlaws watched as the
huge sheriff passed by, followed by his uniformed deputies (played by T.W. and Frances). The sheriff took a seat on a chair next to the locked prison door and started to
snooze while the guards started their calculated pacing. Robin grabbed
up a nearby stick and threw it at the door where it ka-thumped. T.W. immediately
came running.
“JAIL-BREAK! JAIL-BREAK!”
T.W. fired off his crossbow just
as the sheriff stood up, the arrow hitting him in the posterior.
“OW.”
Little John began humming the Mission: Impossible theme and took advantage of the distraction to try to get
the keys. Robin just rolled his eyes. The sheriff meanwhile raised his fist and
brought it down on T.W. so hard it drove him into the ground. Little John snuck
around in the shadows, trying to be invisible, while Robin simply went around
behind the sheriff and reached for the keys.
The sheriff’s other deputy
pointed. “Sheriff, there’s something...”
“NOT NOOOW.”
The deputy snorted. “Reminds me
of my fifth husband. Never did listen.”
Robin gained the keys while the
sheriff was distracted and quickly moved upstairs to free the others. With
their chains removed, they came down fast. The sheriff was still looking
around, but then someone moved a banana peel behind one of his feet and a
whistle came. The sheriff turned and fell, leaving quite a crater.
“Say, who did that?” Robin asked.
In a moment Alan-a-Dale appeared,
carrying a large portable curtain. “I did! I’m tired of this itchy troubadour
outfit!”
Placing the curtain in-between
the sheriff and the audience, in a moment he switched clothes with the sheriff,
Alan’s clothes conveniently stretching to fit the sheriff. Alan removed the
curtain. “Now he can itch for a while!”
With the sheriff out for the time
being—the deputies didn’t put up a fight—Robin decided to pay a visit to the
royal treasury, also known as the prince’s bedchamber. He was alone (well, how
would it look otherwise?) and Robin and friends pilfered to their hearts’
content while the prince dozed away. That is, until Robin decided to get fancy
and ride the rope he was using to carry out the money. The extra weight was too
much and it pulled the bed to the veranda.
The prince tossed and turned in
his sleep, vaguely aware that something was happening. “Unnnh....NO!......Nnnnhhh,
I’m a better director than Orsen Wells....Garbo, be in my movie...Huh, what?
Robin Hood! Guards, my treasure is being stolen!”
Desperately he leaped forward and
grabbed the moneybag that Robin was carrying and a tug of war broke out. “Give
it up, prince!” Robin said. “It’s time to share the wealth!”
“Never! How will I ever keep up
my subscription to ‘Spineless Rulers Weekly’ going otherwise?”
The guards closed in, the
moneybag broke and Robin tumbled away. Meanwhile the merry men had managed to
find an empty wagon and store all the goods and people on it. Little John waved
to Robin and he ran for the gate. But the sheriff re-awakened and he broke the
rope supporting the portcullis. It slammed down, trapping Robin inside. The
prince smiled wickedly, pointing at the outlaw across the yard.
“Now is the time that all good...oh,
just get him!”
Robin threw his hat in the air
and when it landed on the ground, much to everyone’s amazement, he leaped into
it, seemingly vanishing into its depths.
The prince was flabbergasted. “Where
did he go? Where did he go!”
Dame Hissy came over and nudged
the hat. “He’s not there! Wow, what a neat trick! Sure a lot better than that
dancing routine of his. With a move like that, he could tour for years.”
The prince picked up the hat then
looked to the sheriff. “What are you waiting for, find him!” The sheriff was
preoccupied though, the effects of the troubadour outfit taking effect.
“ITCHYYY!”
Prince John snorted. Where did he
go wrong in life? He walked up in one of the garrets of the castle, still
holding the hat. He set one of the rooms on fire in hopes of smoking the outlaw
out. Looking on all sides of the castle for Robin did no good, and finally he
just flung the hat away where it landed in the moat. In a few moments, the hat
moved toward land. Robin’s men where at the shoreline when a drenched but
otherwise okay outlaw leader gained the shore.
“You idiot! He was in the hat all
the time!” Hissy said.
The sheriff looked down from the
parapet. “BAAAD KITTYYY!”
Prince John chided his lawman. “What
are you standing around itching for? Go get him, jump in the lake and swim
after him, you gigantic moron! And you too, you worthless slithering lackey!”
“CAN’T SWIIIM,” the sheriff said.
“Me neither,” Hissy said. “Besides,
you’re the one who blew it. And now your momsy’s castle’s on fire!”
Prince John turned and had a
conniption. “The castle!!! Momsy will never forgive me for this! It’s all your
fault, you worthless henchmen! I’m calling my lawyers!”
The prince began running around
wildly, searching for a phone to no avail. The scene faded to black then
returned with Alan-a-Dale, now in a new and non-itchy troubadour outfit. “So
the prince drove himself nuts searching for a phone in medieval England. About that time, the king showed up again and took over the ruling job once more.
He pitched in for new duds for everyone and promised venison stew in every pot—we
know how much that one’s worth. Anyways, Robin asked for Marian’s hand in
marriage and the king said, ‘Why not take all of her?’ Okay, so I’m not a
comedian—let’s head for the church.”
The church was decked out
festively for the occasion, as were Robin and Marian. They left the church as
man and wife, and this time Marian gave Robin an unforgettable smooch.
“Not bad! I could get used to
that,” Robin Hood said.
Marian smiled back. “I suppose I’d
be willing to have that triumphant big song and dance Hollywood ending now, if
you’re still interested.”
Robin nodded back. “You got it.
Hit it, guys!”
Robin pulled on the screen and it
flipped up to reveal a lavish dance stage with a full-size orchestra. Robin
took Marian’s hand and started singing to the tune, “I Can’t Give You Anything
But Love”:
I was out-law-ing, liv-ing on
the lam, ba-by!
Stealin’s the only thing I
could do well, ba-by!
Rob a while
Bob a while
I made my mark
Now I’m free
And you’ll see
We’ve got love and life to
live for!
While Robin and Marian sang and
danced, the Friar and King Richard (played by L.B. Mammoth) watched from the
box seats. The king pointed to the stage below. “I may have lost a daughter,
but I sure gained a primo dance team!”
“Good one, sire!” the friar said.
Robin and Marian twirled
together, covering the whole length of the stage and Robin sang on:
Now you see we’re hitched and
doing swell, ba-by!
We’ve got stories left to
tell, oh ba-by...
Now when that dad of yours is
done
And our ruling day has come...
We’ll do him proud
and I’ll still re-mem-ber the
day...
I was out-law-ing!
I was out-law-ing!
I was out-law-ing, liv-ing on
the laaaaaam!
The orchestra ended with a
flourish and Robin and Marian smiled and waved to the audience. Alan-a-Dale
came out on stage, addressing the audience. “And that’s the way it really
happened. Oo-de-lolly...that’s Hollywood talk for, ‘I’m going to chew out the
head of wardrobe’. Someone get me some calamine lotion!”
Love goes on and on...
T H E -- END
Danny, Sawyer, Pudge, Tilly, Craston, Frances, T.W., Woolie and L.B. Mammoth are copyright Warner Brothers and used without permission. The Robin Hood story parodied in this case is copyright Disney and referred to without permission, but with utmost respect.