Golden Acorn Awards

The Natasha Kashefipour Lifetime Achievement Award


::The curtain of the Walt Disney Theater pulls back to reveal a scene that is very reminiscent of the very deck of the Wonder itself. At first the crowd wonders if they are seeing a television display of the exterior of the ship, but they quickly realize that it is of course night out, but this scene is of day.


Before them sits the railing of the ship and the teak deck. Suspended by a davit, which looks like a small crane, a human-sized lifeboat swings overhead, painted as it were in the trademark Mickey Yellow of the Disney Cruise Line.


Before the eyes of the crowd, two sets of eyes look out from beneath the slipcover of the lifeboat, peering around. It’s Dr. Indy and Spu! The chipmunk and rat are dressed in old-time sailor's outfits and seemingly oblivious to the audience::


Indy: Well, Sal, it looks like we’re off on the Road to the Caribbean


::Spumoni stands up and looks around at the sea and spray. A wave crests high (actually a stagehand with a bucket of water) and splashes Spumoni in the face::


Spu: Road’s flooded, we’ll have to get off at the next exit.


Indy (peering about): Is the coast clear?


Spu (straining to look into the far distance): I’ll let you know when it comes into view…


::Indy pulls Spu back down into the lifeboat. A uniformed human walks by, then off the stage. After a moment their two heads pop up once more::


Indy: Hey now Sal, you gotta be more careful. We’re stowaways after all--they’ll throw us in the brig if we’re caught…


Spu: Yeah…beggars can’t be cruisers.


::The audience laughs as the chipmunk and rat climb down opposite sides of the crane. Upon reaching bottom Spumoni is upset to see that Indy’s suit is perfectly intact while his is wrinkled and lumpy::


Spu: So why do you look freshly pressed?


Indy (striking a pose): I always travel first class.


::Spu goes to respond amid the laughs, but as he does an assortment of stolen Disney Cruise Line items fall out of his suit. He looks up sheepishly::


Spu (blushing): I’ve got no problem with bulk rate.


::At once the orchestra in the pit before the stage roars to life, and Spumoni names the tune::


Spu: Hey, isn’t that the theme to all of those Bing Crosby and Bob Hope Road Movies? I thought there was a copyright on it.


Indy: Well, we’re sure gonna copy it…right or wrong!


::Spumoni moans, then turns to the crowd::


Spu: We’re about to sing folks. This might be a good time to use the facilities or get your last snack for the evening.


Indy: Some of them look ready to throw the goodies they've got now.


Spu: Anyone got gummi bears out there?


Indy: Come on, sweet tooth. Singing time.


::Indy and Spu walk up to stage front and put their hands behind their back as they begin crooning. The orchestra plays a lively tropical beat, featuring a trio of brightly-dressed maracas shakers, one in each of their hands::


Well we’re off on the Road to the Ca-rib-be-an,

We hope we don’t make a bad scene,

‘Cause with the way we both tell jokes and sing-a-sing-'n

The audience will love us or scream!


Indy (singing):


We’ll sail the blue seas while we hand out a-wards,

We don’t mind, it’s our appre-cia-tive act.


Spu (singing as they both put on swim masks):


But if we see the crowd is pull-ing their swords,

We’ll be ready to dive and swim right on back!


Both (singing):


We certainly do get around!

How’d we end up here, who knows...

We’re puzzling-ly Car-ib-be-an bound!


::Indy looks around the deck as the audience applauds::


Indy (motioning over the crowd, talking): Hey Sal, look at that. It’s a list of the 2008 Golden Acorn Awards Natasha Kashefipour Lifetime Achievement Recognition Nominees!


::Spu looks at Indy with a smirk::


Spu: Say that three times fast!


::Indy smirks right back::


Indy (winking to the audience): Thatthatthat


Spu (groans): Oh, youyouyou...


Indy: We'd better sing about those candidates before they reel us up.


Both (singing):


Oh Dem-ci-o and Lone-heart are writ-ers,

You'll find at the top of the heights,


Indy, singing:


Though read-ing their stor-ies right through-ooh,

Would keep you go-ing all up through the night!


Both, singing:


We cer-tain-ly do get a-round,

Like an offshore bank account,

We’re pos-it-ive-ly Ca-rib-be-an bound!


::Spu looks down at the orchestra pit where one of the human brass players is having a hard time keeping up with the supposed rhythm of the parody song::


Spu (jokingly): Hey, check his guy out. Miss the rehearsal buddy?


Indy (jokingly to orchestra member): Better be careful with that cornet and catch up with the rest of us or your conductor will throw you overboard…


Spu (jokingly to orchestra member): Yeah, sync or swim!


Both (singing):


Oh, our good friends John Nowak and Spumoni

It's true they're both worthy to re-mem-ber,


Indy: Take it, Spu!


Spu (singing):


But while I'd vote for the form-er,

I'd certainly not join a club

That would have me for a mem-ber!


Indy (pausing, curious): Groucho Marx?


Spu: It sure ain’t Karl…


Both (singing):


We certainly do get around,

Like the Albacore on a booze cruise,

We’re ob-stin-ate-ly Ca-rib-be-an bound!


::Indy looks around himself, noticing something::


Indy: Hey Sal, why do you think that the crew of the ::i::Wonder::/i:: leaves these deck lights on all day?


Spu (with certainty): In case we have to go through any tunnels.


Indy: Man, I hope we find the light at the end of this one...


::Indy shakes his head and continues the song::


Both (singing):


Now The Enduring Man-Child and Bob Iger both have done their best,

The fact Disney noticed us means they've passed the test!

But as for enduring this long, long song

We hope that you'll stay with us for the rest!


We certainly do get around

Like a homesick voodoo priestess,

We're in the home stretch Ca-rib-be-an bound!


Indy: Oh, yes sir!


Both: We're bringing it home Ca-rib-be-an bound!


Spu: Talk to me, friend!


Both: We're pos-it-ive-ly Ca-rib-beeeee-annnn boooouuunnnddd!


::As the crowd stands and applauds, Dr. Indy and Salazar Ovid Spumoni shake hands and bow. Quickly though they recover and the crowd takes their seats, realizing that the skit is not over.


When the crowd is silent Spumoni looks up and down the deck::


Spu: Hey Doc, what side of the boat are we on?


Indy (sounding logical): Well, you will remember that ships use the terms ‘port’ and ‘starboard’. I’m pretty sure that ‘port’ was ‘left’, and ‘starboard’ was right. We're headed south, so if the sun…


::As Indy explains the situation Spumoni is distracted by some human girls coming down the deck in their swimsuits::


Spumoni (distracted): So, port and starboard, eh?


Indy: Yes, I believe so…


Spu: You forgot my favorite side, Doc…


Indy: Which side is that?


Spu: The social side…


::With that Spu straightens his suit and takes off in the general direction that the swimwear enthusiasts have gone, saluting Indy and the crowd as he goes::


Indy (chuckling): That boy will never learn. Now, maestro, drumroll...


::A drumroll commences::


Indy: The winner of the 2008 Natasha Kashefipour Lifetime Achievement Golden Acorn Award goes to…John Nowak!


::After the announcement, Widget steps out onto the stage and to the podium. She looks expressionlessly out at the crowd until the polite applause stops::


WIDGET: I would like --


::Her words are killed by a horrendous feedback whine. She lifts both eyebrows and glowers offstage for a moment::


OFFSTAGE (barely audible): Sorry. I think we've got it.


WIDGET (amplified voice): How very nice for you.


::WIDGET grimaces, and looks back at the audience::


::In the audience, JÜRGEN applauds and baby GIMCRACK gurgles and waves his hand::


::WIDGET waves back and freezes for a moment when she realizes she's just been caught doing something cute. She puts her hand on the podium and twitches her whiskers to restore her dignity::


WIDGET: I'm glad to say that everything worked as planned and John can't be here tonight.


::In the audience, JÜRGEN's smile fades. He glances suspiciously at GIMCRACK, who looks away guiltily. There is a slight stir through the audience but nobody quite reacts::


WIDGET: John prepared a statement he asked me to read.


:She takes out a sheaf of papers and reads in a monotone::


WIDGET: “Flattered, thank you for this honor, heartwarming, blah blah blah.”


::WIDGET looks over the papers at the audience::


WIDGET: It just goes on like that. You can kind of write it yourself.


::In the audience, JÜRGEN gets up and makes his way to the aisle. GIMCRACK looks after him and sighs::


WIDGET: Seriously, what's wrong with you people? I mean, fine, he's the first one to write about me, but let's not forget that he's left me and my family on a submarine under the polar ice cap for a good eight years now.


::JÜRGEN and the MC confer hastily backstage::


WIDGET: And what's even worse, he's left my sister with a set of broken ribs all that time --


::An inverted coffee mug drops from the ceiling, covering WIDGET and the podium. On the side is painted the words "RANGER WIDGET PACIFIER." Muffled protests are heard as MONTY and ZIPPER push the mug off stage.  JÜRGEN enters, with a microphone::


JÜRGEN: John regrets that he cannot be here to accept this award, for reasons ... which I hope are not permanent.


John would like to express his amazement that there are still people reading his work, and he would like to thank you all for letting him know that you are. I think most writers will understand.


Thank you.


:: JÜRGEN bows his head politely to the audience, which stands as one and applauds as JÜRGEN leaves, bearing Mr. Nowak’s award. Indy, who has been clapping as much as anyone, returns to the podium::


Indy: Don’t anybody go anywhere yet. We’ve got a few more happenings before we wrap it up and the party gets going full-tilt.


Dr. Batorious (announcing): Stay tuned, people. The Golden Acorn Awards will return in a few minutes….