Best Verse (Russian)


:: While the ceremony for 'Best Poet' nomination is still underway, behind the curtain the mood is not as optimistic. There's a tense quarrel between a tall thin fellow in grey business suit, a chubby mustached man in white navy uniform and a small cap with golden anchors, and his partner - disheveled unshaven sailor. The business-man holds two small guitars and two flower wreaths::


BUSINESS-MAN: Please, Captain! This event is known for its rich history and tradition so you should wear it to keep the habit.


CAPTAIN: Listen, Mister. You must have forgotten that I'm a living tradition all by myself! I'm the one who proposed the term 'wmorduwind', now used on all the seas and oceans, I'm also the one who started the fine tradition of annual "World Robbery Regatta"...


SAILOR: Not to mention the habit of carrying the stolen statues in the contrabass cases!


BUSINESS-MAN: Yes, yes, I heard that and many more! And that's precisely why I insist on you wearing this for your performance. After all, it was you two who started the annual Festival of Native Hawaiian Funny Songs and Dances!


CAPTAIN: But we're in the Caribbean now!


SAILOR (whispers): And where's that?


CAPTAIN (mutters through his moustache): Queen of Hearts.


SAILOR (whispers again): And Hawaii?


CAPTAIN (mutters): Queen of Spades.


SAILOR (after a brief pause): Hmm, three flash royals away...


BUSINESS-MAN: But that's the whole point! That's incredible opportunity to start a tradition of the Festival of Native Hawaiian Funny Songs and Dances in the Caribbean! That would be strange, not to mention hard, but...


CAPTAIN: Strange and hard? Nothing is strange and hard as long as I'm involved! (grabs the guitars and the wreaths) Let's go, Fooks! Let's show them there's nothing impossible for the brave sailors!


:: By this time the previous ceremony is finished and the audience eagerly awaits the next installment. They don't have to wait too long because soon DR.INDY appears and comes to the center of the stage where three microphones are located, two on the vertical stands and one hanging from the ceiling. He knocks the two of them to check the sound but the third one is hanging too high for him to talk into and he pulls it down. The sound of flushing water echoes through the hall owing some giggles and suppressed laughter. Completely unmoved, DR. INDY checks the third mike and turns to the audience::


DR. INDY: And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm honored to announce the Golden Acorn Award for Best Verse written in Russian, presented by very special guests! Meet the famous Russian Captain, winner of the First World Sailing Regatta, Savior of the Stolen Statue of Venus, the man who crossed the Equator more times than anyone living on this planet and is known for always telling only the truth! Meet Captain Khristofor Bonifatiyevich Wroongel!


MONTY (mutters): Waltzing Matildas, I didn't see this one coming...


CHIP: Another old acquaintance of yours?


MONTY: Oh, Wroongel is a famous Russian navigator, widely-known for his odyssey on his yacht "Ictory"!


DALE: "Ictory"? Strange name for the ship...


MONTY: Actually she was named "Victory" but during its christening ceremony the yacht was found to have taken root on the shore. It was built from VERY fresh wood, ya know. So they had to axe it off and as a result the letter 'V' fell off. It was seen as a bad omen, but Wroongel and his team still won the World Sailing Regatta. Which reminds me o'...


::The lights go down and everybody cheers and applauds. Then the curtain goes up and a slightly confused silence reigns as the floodlights center on CAPTAIN WROONGEL and SAILOR sitting in the center of the stage. They are barefoot and dressed in sleeveless shirts, blue trousers and Hawaiian flower wreaths, holding guitars::


WROONGEL: Marine greetings to all of you!


::Wroongel doffs his hat::


WROONGEL (playing a few chords): I, Captain Wroongel, am honored to represent the Great Russian Navy at this ceremony. We in our Navy honor many old traditions, like dipping those who cross the equator for the first time into a barrel of water to celebrate their birthday as true sailors and to honor Neptune, Master of the seas. But the most important of our traditions are bravery, steadfastness and readiness for self-sacrifice.


No wonder we know about the true heroes of this occasion, the Rescue Rangers, and just couldn't miss an opportunity to salute you in person. Let me also introduce the faithful member of my team, Sailor Fooks, the master of cards, and my first mate Lom who, unfortunately, can't be here at the moment having to watch after our yacht. You see, it got hit by lightning, electrified, magnetized and got promptly stuck to the side of this ship. Right now Lom is fastening it tightly to the bulwark so it won't fall down into the sea when the charge wears off.


But enough of formal introductions. I and my mate prepared a special number: short comic songs we in Russia call "chastushkas". I'm sure you'll like it!


:: Captain runs his palm over the guitar strings and a simple but pleasant harmony fills the hall. After a couple of repetitions it gets support from the orchestra as first a violin, then electric guitar and finally a piano join in ::


WROONGEL (whispering along with the rhythm of the music): Fooks, don't sit, they all are waiting!


FOOKS (answers in the same manner): What will we sing about, captain? Chipmunks? Mice?


WROONGEL: Sure! But mind the local setting!


FOOKS: Good! I know something nice...


:: Both sailors clear their throats and begin singing in turn order ::




Me and an old friend of mine

Will sing funny rhymes to you

We are so glad to be here...




It's an honor for us, too!


:: The audience cheers as the duo goes on ::




Hail the great chipmunk detective

He’ll catch the crooks with heart and vim

He looks small but that's deceptive




 No wonder squirrels adore him!


::Chip blushes heavily as the audience laughs and applauds him while Tammy beams with joy::


TAMMY: Oh, they know about us, Chip! It's so beautiful!


CHIP: Well, looks like they know us too well...


::The song goes on. This time Fooks starts the next verse::




He's got friend, a known joker,

Open mind, restless hands.

Once he built a whirly copter...




But the ceiling ruined his plans!


:: In the audience, Chip forgets about his troubles and laughs quietly at frowned Dale. ::


DALE: NOT FUNNY! It was a slight miscalculation!


CHIP: Oh, please, you didn't calculate anything at all!


DALE: I did!


CHIP: Did not!


DALE: Did too!


CHIP: Did not...!




Monty's strength is worth a medal,

He has seen and heard it all.

His cheese sense is phenomenal...




Driving right through any wall!


:: Now it's Monty turn to look offended as the laughter gets louder ::


MONTY: Was it really necessary to mention it?


DALE (smiling again): Relax, Monty! You’re famous! It's good to have such a prominent bug... erhm... feature!




Zipper isn't really giant,

But his heart stands no abuse!

He will go through any hole...




...and will bring a load of use!


MONTY (sarcastically): Rather, a load of refuse...




::The audience howls::


MONTY: Yes, I know you can't live without it but it still smells awful, especially for me tender nose...




Brains and beauty aren't separate

Gadget proves it is a fact!

Her things all work with no problems...




Ooops, you shouldn't have said that!


::The howls have become roars of laughter now::


GADGET (confused): I wonder why one shouldn't say 'no problems'?


:: The other Rangers giggle nervously, look in all directions in search for any incoming trouble, then sigh in relief but don't say anything. Only Zipper squeaks something, but too quiet to be audible. The music becomes louder and the rhythm of the song changes, increasing significantly ::




Funny rhymes make a heart beat faster,

They bring a smile right to your face.




But now it's time for some real action,

So let's finish this preface!




Faithful fans of Rescue Rangers

Always have the urge to create.

Stories, poems, songs and pictures...


FOOKS:    And extraordinate ballet!


:: After these words the two of them get up, put their guitars on chairs and go dancing. WROONGEL performs a sequence of elaborate pas which could make an average ballet dancer envy while FOOKS just stands there clapping his hands, but does it so stirringly that the audience follows his example, and some of the spectators even repeat WROONGEL's movements. After some time WROONGEL and FOOKS come together to the center of the stage and start dancing in unison, singing together ::


From the very distant country

We came as fast as a fast cyclone .

To give the Best Russian Poet

Their deserved "Golden Acorn"!


:: At this moment the music stops. The audience waits for someone to bring the envelope. Nothing happens, though, and everybody starts getting worried. When the anxiety reached an apogee, WROONGEL addresses FOOKS ::


WROONGEL: FOOKS, do you have the envelope?


FOOKS: No, Khristofor Bonifatiyevich, I don't even have pockets here...


WROONGEL: I don’t either, and that's exactly the moment when the Navy wit truly saves the day!


:: With that, he comes to the chairs, picks up his guitar and shows the envelope glued to its back side. The audience laughs and applauds as he opens the envelope and announces ::


WROONGEL: And now the list of the competitors for Golden Acorn Award - 2008 for Best Verse in Russian! They are:


“The Oak That Rodents Live In” by KomandoRR

“Explanation for a Girlfriend” by Android


Rangeriad” by Montery Jack

"Angel" by Android


:: The music and the song continues ::


Now you'd better pay attention

Be all eyes and grow all ears!

Here's answer to all questions.

Our honored winner is...


FOOKS: Would you believe, two? Come, KomandoRR, come Android!


::DR INDY walks out on stage::

DR INDY: Sad to say, but Android had to leave and KomandoRR couldn’t make it. I have from them the following: Angel says, “Thank you, everyone! I know how great this honor is, and I receive it with gratitude.” And KomandoRR says, “Too bad I missed the ceremony, but from what Gyrotank tells me, you’re going to have some good entertainment anyway. Have fun, and thank you!”


:: DR INDY leaves the stage with the awards and the lights turn back again to the presenters, everybody notices that WROONGEL and FOOKS aren't on stage anymore. It seems strange and even impolite to leave this way, and a phrase "oh, those Russians..." can be heard muttered in the different parts of the parterre. But all the voices cease at once when the orchestra plays the first chords of a slow and majestic song and WROONGEL appears on the stage again, this time wearing his formal uniform with all the regalia ::


WROONGEL: Please excuse me for this delay, but our performance impressed the ship's supervisor so much that he wanted to sign a contract with me and FOOKS to do regular performances here and the argument went longer then I hoped. But everything is settled now, and it's time for a one final touch and one more present from us personally and our community as a whole. Fortunately, the straps holding our ship in place survived her demagnetization and first mate LOM is free to join us on the stage!


:: There is another round of applause when FOOKS and LOM, a very tall muscular man with a somewhat sheepish smile, emerge from behind the curtain and join with WROONGEL. Then the music starts again, and the trio starts singing ::



You know, this little world has lots

of villains and of dangers

This team fights them against all odds,

Their name is Rescue Rangers.

The chipmunks will solve any crime

The Aussie'll smash all henchmen

It seems impossible sometimes

But it indeed does happen.

It seems impossible sometimes

But it indeed does happen.


Their claws are sharp and eyes are keen

All actions swift and agile.

No case too small, no case too big

For their tireless vigil.

Another Nimnul's crime machine

Meets its demise and riddance

It seemed impossible to win

But that's the way it happens.

It seemed impossible to win

But that's the way it happens.


In fierce and everlasting fight

Between the good and evil

Two mice, two chipmunks and the fly

Will help the light prevail.

Their cause is glorious and true

And makes our life much safer

So we don't bid farewell to you

But promise: "See you later!"

So we don't bid farewell to you

But promise: "See you later!"


:: While the audience keeps singing the last refrain, the three men bow and leave and curtain falls in preparation for the next presentation ::