Best Original Villain


Mayhem: And now for something completely different...


::Before anyone has truly realised, the lone wolf is at the podium ready to start the next award. However it appears someone is jabbering away at him in his earpiece::


Mayhem: No, I don't know how long this will be. Yes, I'll be drinking. Course I don't know the winner. Oh, what's for dinner? Sheesh, I wasn't expecting some sort of Acorn Inquisition.


::At that moment, there is a loud jarring sound effect and three disguised Rangerphiles burst upon the stage, although it isn't too difficult to tell exactly who they are despite the red smocks, fake facial hair and funny wigs::


Racebest: Nobody expects the Acorn Inquisition! Cue dramatic voice-over!


[quote]Narrator: In the early years of the 21st Century to combat the rising tide of non-Pro sentiment, the admin gave Cardinal Racebest leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the Cafe, in a reign of nuttiness, frivolity and general incomprehensibility that makes a smashing Poke thread. This was... the Acorn Inquisition![/quote]


::Cardinals Midnight and Sinclair look to flank Mayhem as he stands motionless at the podium::


Racebest: Ha! Now Mayhem, you are accused of neutrality on three counts. Neutrality by thought, neutrality in posts, neutrality in signature banners, and neutrality by action. Four counts! Do you confess?


Mayhem: I don't understand what I've done wrong now...


Racebest: Ha! Then we shall make you understand. Midnight, fetch... the plushies!


::There is another jarring sound as Midnight holds out two fairly large platypus-shaped plushie toys::


Midnight: Here we are, oh random one.


Racebest: Now Mayhem, you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of neutrality, and reject the teachings of Yunkel. Two last chances! And you shall be free. Three last chances! Or maybe only one still, I haven't made my mind up yet.


Mayhem: What the blazes are you rabbiting on about?


Racebest: Right, if that's the way you want it... Midnight! Poke him with the soft plushies!


::Midnight obeys in carrying out this rather pathetic torture routine::


Racebest: Confess! Confess! Confess!


Midnight: It doesn't seem to be affecting him.


Racebest: Have you got all the poly-fibre stuffing up one end?


Midnight: Ya, Herr Nutty.


::The plushies are dispensed with as ineffective::


Racebest: Hmmm... he's made of far sterner stuff. Cardinal Sinclair, fetch... the giant Gadget's paw!


::There is another dramatic sound effect heard::


Sinclair: The... giant Gadget's paw?!


Racebest: Yes!


::Sinclair and Midnight head off and then push in from off-stage a large recreation of Gadget's paw, all pink and fluffy, as mentioned one time in a Poke strand::


Racebest: So! You think you have a strong will because you survived the platypus plushies? We shall see. Midnight, trap him... in the Gadget's paw!


::Midnight and Sinclair prise apart two of the mock toes on the paw and slot Mayhem in between them, whereupon he starts to settle down and relax. It's an exceedingly comfy paw indeed::


Racebest: Now, you will stay trapped in the Gadget paw until bedtime with only a nightcap at eleven! Midnight, is that really all there is?


Midnight: Yes.


Racebest: I see. I suppose we make it more demented by shouting our beliefs a lot?


::The other two nod in confirmation to which Racebest starts shouting again, softly at first growing louder::


Racebest: Confess, Mayhem. Confess! Confess! Confess!


::Midnight drops to his knees on the ground::


Midnight: I confess!


Racebest: Not you!!!


::The audience erupts in laughter at this point and some people start clapping wildly::


Racebest: Gah, this is tougher than I thought! Remove the Gadget paw!


::The other two retrieve Mayhem from where he is lying back and stand him on his feet, before then wheeling off the paw from whence it came. But before anything else can occur, there is one final jarring noise interrupting the "torture"::


Racebest: Hark, I hear our services are needed elsewhere. Quick, everyone to Da Bus!


::With that all three of them dash off stage into the darkness. Mayhem turns his attention back to the audience in front of him::


Mayhem: Well that was interesting to say the least, and I was just getting comfortable and all. Time to move on though! The nominations for Best Original Villain are:


Johnny Fanchar from Ranger Days by Red Sonic

Eliza R. Mongoose from CDRR Comic by MasterGodai

Charles Henry Ronos from Time Waits for No One by Mayhem

Ms. Emily from Heart by Saraggle

Hideous SuperVillain Piece #1 by The Nobody

Senator Backpeddler from Tears for the Devil by Bubbles’ Big Brother

Lord Edward Ratigan from Return to Destiny by RangerReady

Vincent Jolli from Burden of Honor by L. Cranston

The Capones from Diamonds in the Desert by Midnight Man

Bandit Leader from Dry Bones by L. Cranston


Mayhem: So who was the standout ne'er-do-well in the eyes of the voting public? The award goes to... oh bugger...


::He opens the envelope as he speaks, but his words are cut short when he reads the winner written on the card inside. Pausing for a moment to consider, in a slight state of panic he drops both onto the floor and hurries off stage in the other direction to which he originally entered. The audience bubble and murmur briefly as confusion reigns as to what is happening.


Shortly thereafter an elderly looking gentlemen in expensive looking attire enters slowly and strolls across to the podium. Seeing the envelope and card on the floor, he bends down to pick them up and reads the writing on the card. Looking out across the assembled crowd, he addresses the microphone::


Gentleman: My my, what a lot of people out there indeed. I had a short call notice that my presence might be required at this location, so I hurriedly booked a flight to these parts. The person I spoke to wouldn't tell me why, but reading this card makes everything much more clear. Anyone know why it was on the floor?


::Parts of the audience attempt to elucidate but it is impossible for him to hear any words clearly::


Gentleman: Charles Henry Ronos at your service here. Apparently, if the words on this card are to be believed, I've won this golden acorn statue thing for being the best original villain. Villain?! One must always remember that any story has three sides: their side, your side and the truth. One person's villain is another person's hero. And all that.


::He smiles slyly and sizes up one of the awards sitting on the podium, picking it up and giving it the once over::


Ronos: I wonder what power is contained within such a fine looking ornament. It might partially make up for the loss of my necklace. Speaking of which, I don't suppose any of you fine people out there have seen someone I'm looking for? Roughly five foot eight to ten, about 180 pounds, shortish dark hair, glasses, facial hair, speaks in a sarcastic and sardonic English accent. No? Pity. I suppose I'll keep looking and hope for the best. Now I wonder where I can put this...?


::While Ronos ponders, a Rangerphile rises. Bowing to the applause, RangerReady strides onto the stage, looking for all the world as if he's trying to duck down inside his uniform jacket::

RangerReady: Thanks so much, took me a minute to realize that I've won Golden Acorns in every awards ceremony since I came here, just about it...that's something not everyone can say, and it's immensely humbling and precious to me. As for Lord Ratigan, hopefully he's chained up somewhere sufficiently secure, so we don't have to deal with him tonight...although I think Monty and Reg could handle it.

::"Too roight!" comes a stage whisper from the audience::

RangerReady: Thanks for everything, my good and dear friends. It's been a good run so far, and here's hoping it only gets better! Long live the Cafe!!"


::RangerReady takes his award and walks off, holding his trophy up. Ronos exits the stage carrying one of the prizes in his arms::