Best Nutcase:

::The lights fade up and two spotlights come up one on each side of the stage.  As they pan to the center, only one is occupied, but it isn’t until the sole canine gets to the podium that he notices::


TS: ICE! Get down here! This is a tag team remember!

::Silence is the only response::

TS: ICE!! Where are you?

::Again silence, and the twittering of the audience, are the only things that give him a response. TS taps his foot impatiently with his arms crossed::

TS: Don’t make me use your full name,… Fine you’ve forced my hand, ICE GLACIER BERG! WHERE ARE YOU?!

::A huge crash is heard to the left and TS and the audience are mortified at the immense Scorpion Tank that has crashed through the various decorations on stage::

TS: What are you doing?

Ice: Oh sorry I’m late TS, (he yells over the chugging of the large diesel engine) you see the pony motor wouldn’t start…

TS: First, turn that off, second, where did you find Shelia?  Finally why are you driving it on stage?

::the loud pounding of the engine ceases::

Ice: Ok, Blood Gulch, and cause I’m making Mayhem right?

Mayhem (coming back from the bar): I don’t need you to make me!

Ice: Oh sorry I meant chaos, craziness, zaniness.  That sort of thing…

TS: So that’s why you’ve destroyed the stage right?

Ice: Well that and some other things… (says as he jumps out of the tank)

TS: Oh no (as he face palms himself)

::Suddenly the curtain falls on top of them, a siren rings out as a parade of penguins pour out from the right of the stage to the music from Benny Hill.  Ice grabs a salad shooter full of paint balls from inside the tank and TS grabs his chicken as they start beating back the attacking penguins until all 50 or so are retreating off the stage::

TS: (wiping the sweat from his brow) And why did you do that?

Ice: You’ll see…

::From the ceiling drop a couple hundred sheep.  The sheep tackle the two canines::

TS: Well at least you’ve got one thing right, this is getting Baaahd.

Ice (muffled under a couple ewes): Remind me to reenact some more crunchy vengeance on you ok?

::Dr. Indy begins to look on in utter pain as he directs the techies in herding the sheep off the stage.  The sheep run off stage right and the two canines pick themselves off the floor while brushing themselves off::

TS: Well if nothing else that was pretty ironic.

Ice: Huh?

TS: Well isn’t it ironic that here you are, a wolf, usually a killer of sheep, trampled by tons of them?


Ice: Are you saying that being forced to work with sheep on stage is ironic?

TS: No I’m not saying that, although it might be ironic.  I’m saying that getting beat up by sheep is ironic for you?

Ice: Wouldn’t it only be ironic if I were killed by the sheep?

::The audience groans and listens to the crickets that have begun playing in order to get the two to shut up::

TS: Well that depends whether irony has degrees or it is just a state.  Because if it’s in degrees then just being hurt by sheep would be ironic, if being killed by sheep was ironic.  But if it’s a state then only by being killed by…

Zaptifun (yelling from the crowd): I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron! Now would you two get on with it?

Ice: Thank you Zap, and yes let’s get on with it. Just one more thing…

TS: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…

Ice: Nope

::A huge explosion rings from on stage as the projection screen spontaneously combusts and burns upward revealing a gigantic neon sign surrounded by blue and red lights appears with letters that spell out Best Nutcase ::

TS: You don’t like my screen do you?

Ice: Takes too long and this is cooler.

TS: Fair enough, what was all the earlier things for anyway?

Ice: I wanted to give people a sense of what it is like working with our nominees, utter chaos.

TS: And those nominees that make the Café the utterly chaotic place that it is are…



Bubbles’ Big Brother


Ice:  Is it the nominees that make this place so insane or is it the place itself?

TS: I don’t know, and I don’t think they (pointing to the audience) care to discuss it for a while.

Ice: True.

::The two pause, look at each other, then back at the audience::

Ice: Oh yeah you guys probably want to know who the winner is?

Audience: YES!

TS: Envelope please.

::Ice fumbles around in his suit looking for the envelope then shrugs in bewilderment::

TS: You lost the envelope?

Ice: I guess so.

TS: How could you do that, I gave it to you along with the opener!

Ice: Oh I left that at home.

TS: You left what at home.

Ice: The sharp pointy thingy.

TS: Why did you do that?!

Ice: To make room for the pie!

::Ice throws an entire pie up in the air where it separates from the tin and then falls neatly into the wolf’s awaiting mouth::

TS (to the crowd): You see what I have to put up with? I’ll say one thing, the winner of this award certainly earned it.

Ice: Aw, I miss the pie.  Oh wait, here it is!

::finds envelope in bottom of tin that is laying on the ground, and hands envelope to TS::

TS: And the winner is—we might have guessed in this lot. Would Yunkel and Racebest please step forward?

::Yunkel feigns surprise so well that nobody suspects that he already knew he was going to win. He comes to the podium, accepts the award from Ice and TS and clears his throat::

Yunkel:  Greetings, community of [i]reliable[/i] fairness. I am very...

::A sudden round of loud applause makes him stop. Yunkel smiles::

Yunkel: Thank you, thank you..

::The people begin to raise from their seats and continue applauding, some girls yell the name of Yunkel several times, two of them even faint from the excitement::

Yunkel: Alright, that's enough my dear community...

::The applauses don´t stop only the ovation and the shouts of ´Yunkel´ increase. Yunkel stares at his award and awaits the crowd to let him talk. Five minutes later, the ovation finally stops::

Yunkel: Done applauding? Good, as I was saying...

::Suddenly someone shouts Yunkel I love you!::

::Yunkel tries to discern who said that::

Yunkel: Charlie was that you? Oh well, I suppose it can´t be helped when you are this popular. Community, for the second year in a row, you have bestowed upon me the highly coveted award of the best nutcase. I´m very happy to see you still love me.

Only here, at the Acorn Cafe, one can win an award for writing randomness and crazy stuff ::chuckles:: so I want to thank you all for your support. And only because of my deep and abiding affection for all of you, I promise I´ll do my best to be here once again the next year, earning the third acorn award for best nutcase. Thanks again, be well, and do me the favor to nominate Winston and the reliable moderator Fram next year in any category, they will appreciate it.

::Race hears his name announced, but doesn’t have any popcorn to throw in the air so he runs over to RangerReady and throws his popcorn in the air instead::

RangerReady (startled): Arrrrrhurrrooooo?

::Racebest begins to do lopsided cartwheels up to the stage in excitement.  He walks up to the microphone and presses a button releasing the platypus call::

::Once everyone recovers, Race holds up his award::

Racebest: YESSSS!!

::He does a small jiggy in celebration, leaving the crowd laughing and applauding::

Racebest: Wow, thank you all for this.

Yunkel (on stage): Showoff…

::Racebest grins as the audience chuckles::

Racebest: Considering this place has been coined the nuthouse, and we’re all of some nut variety in our own special way…like a jar of mixed nuts, this one means a lot!  I’ve had such a wonderful time at the Café, and this award truly shows you CAN be awarded for being yourself!  Another exciting point about this year is, if I’m correct, nobody has doubled up on Nutcases before!  Woot for history-making!

Yunkel: Ha ha, except me! I’m a double nutcase too!

Racebest: Yes you are, Yunk.

::Race holds up two fingers and then salutes the crowd::

Racebest: One more time I’d like to thank my inspiration…

::The crowd doesn’t even have to turn around to know that Sara is again blushing and waving back::

Racebest: Love ya, babe!

::And with that, Race gives the crowd one last wave::

Race (yelling): Let’s get this party started, and cruise ship flowing!

::The crowd applauds and Race high fives all the aisle patrons on the way back to his seat…and of course…there is a brief ‘public display of affection’ between Sara and Race to finish off. Yunkel sniffs at the display, appearing unimpressed::

Yunkel: Now I must make my leave doing something nuts.

::The applause & shouts restart, a few more girls faint and Yunkel raises his award for everyone to see, waves good bye, and as he’s exiting stage left jumps onto Indy´s back, piggyback style::

Yunkel: Come on, doctor, take me out of here!

::The crowd gasps as Indy is caught flat-footed from the sudden jump. He tries to keep his balance but falls and he and Yunkel fall behind curtains with a loud crash::

::The crowd gets worried, but a few seconds later Indy comes from behind the curtains, a bit disheveled, but fine::

Indy: Don’t worry, he’s only unconscious.

::A few laughs emanate from the audience as Indy pulls out his walkie-talkie::

Indy: Sam…yeah, that one…do you think he can find his way back from there…good, go ahead.

::Indy grins as he straightens his clothes and signals for the Awards to get underway again::