Best Characterization of the Rangers


::Widget approaches the podium with a stack of paper cases under her arm::

Widget: Good morning. I'm glad everyone is present.

::Widget lays the stack on the podium. People in the audience look at one another, wondering what she is talking about::

Widget: There is a very serious matter I want to discuss.

::She picks up the first case and opens it::

Widget: Male. Height: 3". Workaholic. Control freak. Never sure of his feelings.

::She closes the case and lays it next to the pile. She then takes another one and reads::

Widget: Male. Height: 2.75". Prone to overwork himself. Cares about his subordinates.

::Widget drops the case onto the previous one, causing it to fall of the podium. Not caring, she takes another::

Widget: Workaholic. Prone to violence. Always serious and speaking what he thinks.

::Another file lands on the floor. Widget begins to browse through the rest of the pile, throwing the cases onto the heap as she speaks. Chip, having noticed who she's talking about is now swinging between total embaressement and anger::

Widget: Cares deeply about his friends. Always forward with his opinions. Unsure of his feelings. Dark and troubled past. Always serious. Unsecure. Forward with his feelings. Loves reading books.

::Widget taxies the audience with a disapproving look::

Widget: This it the worst case of work I've ever seen. Hard to imagine all those files describe the same person. The only thing they seem to agree on is gender.

::She takes a glimpse aside, and frowns::

Widget: Ok, ok, I'll get to the point.

Chip (mutters): Good idea.


::She turns back to the audience::

Widget: Our good doctor is reminding me we are running out of time.

::Some laughs and chuckles from the audience::

Widget: This category rewards the author of the best characterization made each year. Seeing how they look, it's a wonder there even is such a thing.

::A loud hem from Chip's seat::

Widget: The nominations for this year are:

"Tears for the Devil" by Bubbles' Big Brother

"Awakening" by Zaptiftun and Spumoni

"Diamonds in the Desert" by Midnight Man

"Small Change" by Indy & Chris Silva

"Gliding Light" by Lilacstarprint

"Cheese Checkers" by iceberg210

"'Tomorrow' Is For 'Never'", by Gyrotank

"Return to Destiny" by RangerReady

::Widget gets a small envelope from under all the files::

Widget: And the 'winner' is…Bubbles’ Big Brother!


::Back in the aisle where BBB and his finance Joanie were seated between their guests, the alien scientist Davros and the giant cyborg called the Dalek Emperor, the insane aardvark stands up, hands his previously won Golden Acorn Award to his fiancé Joanie and starts toward the podium. Having walked Halfway there he freezes before he can reach the stage. Standing on the podium, already receiving the award in his stead is another aardvark who would have looked exactly like him, if not for the fact that he looked like a crocodile wearing an aardvark costume::

Crocodile Aardvark: Thank you! Thank you! This is indeed an honor and I am indeed deserving of it.

BBB: What the heck is going on!

::BBB storms up onto the podium. The crowd gasps as two BBB’s are now present on stage::

Joanie: What’s going on?

Davros: There are two BBB’s! Where did he get access to cloning technology of that caliber?

Dalek Emperor: Even my advanced array of censors cannot tell them apart, except for the fact that one is cold blooded and has scales, but that information cannot be of any consequence so far as I can tell!

::Back on the stage, BBB glared evilly as his double struck a dramatic pose::

BBB: An imposter! I say, an imposter is trying to steal my Golden Acorn Award! Away with the knave!

::A murmur arose from the spectators at the accusation. Some found the reptilian appearance of one aardvark to be highly suspect, but others reasoned that as insane as BBB was, lending himself out to genetic experimentation for kicks shouldn’t be completely ruled out::

Joanie: This is getting us nowhere! Isn’t there someone who can straighten this out?

::Suddenly a diminutive voice called down from Joanie’s feet::

Chip: What you need is a detective!

Dale: And boy, oh boy, have you come to the right place!

::Chip and Dale run up on stage, to face the two aardvarks. The two chipmunks examine both of them carefully::

Chip: Well, this case is insoluble! That’s all there is too it!

::A collective gasp rose up from the crowd. Never had a Rescue Ranger failed to solve a case::

Dale: It sure is Chip. I guess you know what that means?

Crocodile Aardvark: I get to keep the statue because I got here first!

Chip: Sorry ‘possible’ BBB, but we’re going to have to hold onto that award as evidence. No one gets it this year.

BBB: Well, if you must.

Crocodile Aardvark: What! No! It’s mine, do you here? It belongs to me!

::Chip pointed towards the crocodile aardvark::

Chip: There’s the imposter! Grab him!

::The crocodile tried to run, but before he could, a well placed plunger whizzed through the air, releasing a bola that quickly subdued the faker. He fell to the ground, bound head to foot, as Gadget Hackwrench appeared on stage, holding a plunger gun made from some bits of trash and a few metal cogs::

Gadget: Golly Chip! You’re plan worked perfectly!

Dale: It sure did! Everybody knows BBB’s insane.

Chip: And only a madman would give up a Golden Acorn Award without a fight.

Dale: Now let’s find out who this guy really is!

::Dale approached the fallen fiend and began to tug on his aardvark mask. He pulled it off, revealing the face of …::

Gadget: Oh Golly! It’s Sewernose DeBergerac!

Chip: Just as I suspected! Sewernose was obviously disgruntled because BBB waited until his second fan fiction to use him.

Sewernose: Of course I was! Sewernose DeBergerac is a star! Do you hear me? A STAR! I should have gotten top billing in the first part, instead of being regulated to a mere lackey in a sequel! I was going to impersonate him and make off his GA Award as vengeance! And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for that meddling mouse and her cogs!

Chip: Relax Sewernose, you’ll have a big part coming up in a brand new fan fiction that’s being written right now. It’s a CDRR production of Jail House Rock!

Monty appeared on stage and began to drag the croc off by his tail as Chip and Dale picked up the fallen Golden Acorn Award and handed it to BBB.

Chip: I think this belongs to you.

Dale: Thanks for doing such a good job of writing us.

BBB: I appreciate that, especially coming from you guys, but I feel a little odd about winning this one. I honestly didn’t expect it at all! I mean, I can think of at least three writers off the top of my head who did a better job than me.

Chip: You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

Dale: Chip’s right! This award was given to you by our fans and nobody knows us like they do. If they think you deserve it, then that settles it! Congratulations, BBB!

BBB: Thanks, I guess I … well, you know what! That’s my acceptance speech. It’s the only thing I can think to say to the people who spurred me on while I was writing, to you brave Rescue Rangers for giving me such a rich world to write about, and to all the Rangerphiles who voted for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

::BBB, then took a long sweeping bow and returned to his seat, with a pleasant smile and a slight spring in his step. Widget almost waves, then thinks better of it and trods offstage, doing her best to look nonchalant::