::CD comes on stage in a tuxedo to
the music of "
CD: Disgrace! Who's confusing our show for 'those other chipmunks'!?
::The band abruptly switches to the Rescue Rangers tune.::
CD: That's better. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm fortunate enough to be presenting the Best Satire award. A category, I am sad to say, is underrepresented in our community. Why, oh why doesn't our community recognize the evil in our world?
::CD takes a soapbox out of his pocket that is too big to fit and would have been physically impossible to fit in there. He places it on the floor and stands on it, ignoring the podium because it is not good enough for a soapbox-preacher.::
CD: What about the starving people in
Why must we be apathetic? What happened to our conscience? Why aren't we using satire for what it's good for? Why aren't we poking fun at the starving Africans? Why don't we howl with laughter when they drag an 'enemy of the state' into the torture room? Why don't we thank Blair, Chirac, Bush, Putin and Schroeder for all the satire-fodder they have provided us?
::The audience becomes unruly and mad. From his soapbox CD dodges a tomato thrown in his direction. He thinks that perhaps the idea of giving thanks to politicians was enough to make people sick and mad, and he really went too far this time. He attempts to regain his composure and get the audience's attention, holding out his hands defensively.::
CD: We don't because we have some sense of decency and are above all that. It's the same thing as why we don't enter friends for the Idols competition when we know they'll humiliate themselves on television. It's because problems solve much better by being serious and giving aid. That's why foundations like Amnesty exist. So if after the ceremony if you find yourself with money left, one cheque to the account giro 555 will prove this evening is helpful to all. Just for the skeptics among you, this isn't my personal bank account number, it is the one of Unicef.
::CD takes a bow as he receives applause from all the do-gooders and compassionate people in the audience. The villains, as always, are unmoved. Clarice throws a kiss at CD, who faints and lies arm and legs spread out on the stage. Chip and Dale immediately rush unstage towards the self-appointed charity worker.::
Chip: Coming through! We know First Aid!
::Dale wonders where HE learned that as Chip says that. As they reach CD Chip stars checking his pulse as Dale fans the patient with his program paper.::
Chip: Stand back everyone! I know CPR.
::As Chip breathes into CD's mouth once, his eyelids open half before closing shut. The second time manages to open them completely but they close just as soon. The third time CD's eyes bulge open and remain open in a normal state, as he regained his consciousness. Not knowing this, Chip gives him a fourth Kiss-of-life.::
CD: Gee Chip. It's really nice that you care but...You know how Indy and the mods feel about that.
Chip: Huh? What do you mean?
::Dale takes Chip's ear and whispers to him. He then hands Chip a printout of the Acorn Cafe's rules. Chip takes out his magnifying glass to read the fine fine print.::
Chip: What!? Why can't everyone be happy and gay? What are you getting at Dale?
::Dale whisper to Chip some more, explaining his misinterpretation. Chip clenches his fist, gnashes his teeth and shuts his eyes tight in frustration.::
Chip: Why do I always have to be misunderstood!
CD: You're the leader.
::Chip bonks CD on the head.::
Chip: congratulations numb-nut, you succeeded in making a public fool of me once more. I hope you're happy.
CD: Sure thing Chipper.
::Chip, who was just going to leave the stage again turns around, pointing a finger and glaring daggers.::
Chip: And don't call me Chipper!
::Chip and Dale leave stage and CD gets up again.::
CD: I think I just qualified myself for Best Satire 2006. But this years nominees are:
Space Wars, KS
Bock's Car's Weeks That Where
The Day Nothing Happened To The Rescue Rangers, AQD Robert
Stan Blather Signs Off, Jeff Parkes
And the winner is: “Space Wars”!
::Kevin Sharbaugh takes the stage and walks to the podium.::
KS: There was plenty in both “Star Wars” and the Rangers that lent itself to satire, some I didn’t even notice until after I started writing... particularly having Chip as Han Solo quoting Indiana Jones. And how could I not throw some disco in the mix, what with the movie having come out in ‘77 with a prop that looks suspiciously like a glitter ball...
Come to think of it, I could have had Nimnul’s Grand Moff uniform look like a polyester leisure suit, give him platform shoes, big gold chain, the whole ‘Disco Stu’ treatment. Anyhow, I’m not planning on any sequels to this... I seriously doubt I could top this. Besides, I’m not sure how I’d find a way to honor that whole Vader as father to Luke and Leia thing. To everyone who took the time to read “Space Wars” and bothered to vote for it, many, many nya-wehs!
::KS starts to leave the podium but then turns back.::
KS: I forgot to thank Wart for pulling double duty as an officer and a bounty hunter after I’d forgotten I’d originally planned to use him as Greedo. And sorry about all the Mepps clones. I figured with all those Gadget clones everywhere if I had to clone someone to take the role of stormtroopers it might as well be someone who could balance out all that genius.
::With everything he could think of said, KS finally leaves the stage to polite applause. CD notices that the mods await him where he is supposed to leave stage so they can 'talk' to him. He immediately turns around and heads into the opposite direction.
Dr. Batorious: And that ends the awards for written works. When we return, the Special Awards and the All-Time Best Rangerphile works. But first, a special live performance…