Dr. Batorious (announcing): And now, a special performance, choreographed and written by Indy. From the Ranger Version of “My Fair Chipmunk”, Lahwhinie’s Song, “I Shall Never Let a Munk Into My Life”…


::A secondary curtain behind the stage lifts up, along with the big screen, revealing a mock-up set equivalent to the interior of Henry Higgins’ study from “My Fair Lady”. The upstairs and main floor are visible, as well as the spiral stairs connecting them. Lahwhinie appears at the top of the stairs, speaking to her sister Gadget, who is seated on a sofa on the main floor. Both females are dressed in Victorian dresses and hairstyles—Lahwhinie’s dress white with blue flowers, Gadget’s purple with a mauve sash at the waist::


Lahwhinie: I find that the moment a munk makes friends with me, he becomes controlling, overbearing, over-amorous and a ruddy nuisance. Anytime I’ve made friends with a munk I became defensive and temperamental. So here I am, single and content. Well after all, sis…


::The music begins, and Lahwhinie speaks in a melodious voice::


Lahwhinie: I’m an independent girl. Who desires nothing more than the universal right to be exactly what I like and do exactly what I want. An average girl am I, not taken to wild frivolous flings or passionate flights of fancy. Who likes the open air, free of care, doing whatever she thinks is best for her. Well, just an independent girl…




::Lahwhinie starts down the stairs, singing::


Let a munk into your life,

And at once your freedom’s gone!

He’ll come and push his way

Into your door and there he’ll stay

Til’ you’ve worked your ruddy fingers to the bone!


::Lahwhinie holds up her hands in emphasis, then hangs halfway over the stair railing, looking backwards over her shoulder::


Let a munk into your life,

And kiss your social life goodbye!

You ask him to a dance

All he things of is romance

And looks to pick a fight with every guy

who might even be a challenge to calling you his own!


::She reaches the bottom of the stairs, sitting on the second stair from the bottom::


You want to see a movie

All he ever wants is a kiss

You listen to his music

That sounds like a donkey’s hiss!


::Lahwhinie gets up and marches over to Gadget, pointing a finger in her face, her voice forceful::


Let a munk into your life,

And someday you’ll be a wife!

Let those giggly little girls

Charms the brutes with their eyes and curls

I’d just about as eager

To be chewed up by a beaver

Than to ever let a munk in-to my life…


::Lahwhinie sits down across from Gadget, who’s doing her best to keep a straight face. The Hawaiian takes on a cool and calm demeanor, speaking softly as silk::


Lahwhinie: I’m a very thoughtful girl. Never thinking badly of others, or looking for a blemish or a reason to put anyone down. Who has loving kindness written on her face! A thoughtful girl am I, never the kind who ever could, ever would, hear a polite remark and thoughtlessly never smile. A very thoughtful girl…




::Lahwhinie stands up again, singing::


Let a munk into your life

And politeness is out the door!

He’ll come up to you and drool

Looking precisely like a fool

And expect you to fall in love and go dancing with him off across the floor.


You were a girl of rank and breeding

Who was never known to yell

Then along comes mis-ter ma-cho

Now you’re shouting out some words that I can’t tell!


::Lahwhinie sits down, and now Gadget’s chuckling::


Let a munk into your life

And it’s like a case of blight!

Let the others go from ‘miss’

To ‘misses’ in their blinded bliss

I’d prefer to have my abs

Be pinched all day with crabs

Than to ever let a munk in-to my life…


::Lahwhinie goes back up the stairs, speaking thoughtfully::


Lahwhinie: I’m a peaceful little girl. Who likes to see the seashore, and to feel the blessed breeze of the tropics and walk along in the surf’s pull right up to my knees. A calm girl am I, enjoying quiet hours alone…who likes to think about, think it out, free from civilization’s voice and vim. A peaceful little girl!




::Lahwhinie starts running back down, singing::


Let a munk into your life

And your privacy is done!

Your friends he drives away

While his all come and stay

And you’re left doing whatever they think is fun.


He’ll have a loud and annoying family

Who’ll visit without a call

He’ll have a huge and bragging father

Who’ll point out your every flaw


::Lahwhinie picks up a bunch of love letters she’s received off of a table and begins flinging them in every direction, going into a tirade::


Let a munk into your life…



::Lahwhinie stops when she hears a bicycle’s bell. She goes to the nearest “window”—really the stage between her and the audience—and sees Chip wave to her in his Victorian suit as he riders by. She promptly shuts the blinds and comes back to sit down contentedly by Gadget, as perfectly behaved as Miss Manners::

Lahwhinie: I shall never let a munk into my life.


::The orchestra finishes with and emphasizing beat, the curtain closes, and the audience stands and applauds::