Break Six--A Special "Live" Performance...
Dr. Batorious (announcing): And now, a special performance, choreographed and written by Indy. From the Ranger Version of “My Fair Chipmunk”, Lahwhinie’s Song, “I Shall Never Let a Munk Into My Life”…
::A secondary curtain behind the stage lifts up, along with the big screen, revealing a mock-up set equivalent to the interior of Henry Higgins’ study from “My Fair Lady”. The upstairs and main floor are visible, as well as the spiral stairs connecting them. Lahwhinie appears at the top of the stairs, speaking to her sister Gadget, who is seated on a sofa on the main floor. Both females are dressed in Victorian dresses and hairstyles—Lahwhinie’s dress white with blue flowers, Gadget’s purple with a mauve sash at the waist::
Lahwhinie: I find that the moment a munk makes friends with me, he becomes controlling, overbearing, over-amorous and a ruddy nuisance. Anytime I’ve made friends with a munk I became defensive and temperamental. So here I am, single and content. Well after all, sis…
::The music begins, and Lahwhinie speaks in a melodious voice::
Lahwhinie: I’m an independent girl. Who desires nothing more than the universal right to be exactly what I like and do exactly what I want. An average girl am I, not taken to wild frivolous flings or passionate flights of fancy. Who likes the open air, free of care, doing whatever she thinks is best for her. Well, just an independent girl…
BUT…!
::Lahwhinie starts down the stairs, singing::
Let a munk into your life,
And at once your freedom’s gone!
He’ll come and push his way
Into your door and there he’ll stay
Til’ you’ve worked your ruddy fingers to the bone!
::Lahwhinie holds up her hands in emphasis, then hangs halfway over the stair railing, looking backwards over her shoulder::
Let a munk into your life,
And kiss your social life goodbye!
You ask him to a dance
All he things of is romance
And looks to pick a fight with every guy
who might even be a challenge to calling you his own!
::She reaches the bottom of the stairs, sitting on the second stair from the bottom::
You want to see a movie
All he ever wants is a kiss
You listen to his music
That sounds like a donkey’s hiss!
::Lahwhinie gets up and marches over to Gadget, pointing a finger in her face, her voice forceful::
Let a munk into your life,
And someday you’ll be a wife!
Let those giggly little girls
Charms the brutes with their eyes and curls
I’d just about as eager
To be chewed up by a beaver
Than to ever let a munk in-to my life…
::Lahwhinie sits down across from Gadget, who’s doing her best to keep a straight face. The Hawaiian takes on a cool and calm demeanor, speaking softly as silk::
Lahwhinie: I’m a very thoughtful girl. Never thinking badly of others, or looking for a blemish or a reason to put anyone down. Who has loving kindness written on her face! A thoughtful girl am I, never the kind who ever could, ever would, hear a polite remark and thoughtlessly never smile. A very thoughtful girl…
BUT…!
::Lahwhinie stands up again, singing::
Let a munk into your life
And politeness is out the door!
He’ll come up to you and drool
Looking precisely like a fool
And expect you to fall in love and go dancing with him off across the floor.
You were a girl of rank and breeding
Who was never known to yell
Then along comes mis-ter ma-cho
Now you’re shouting out some words that I can’t tell!
::Lahwhinie sits down, and now Gadget’s chuckling::
Let a munk into your life
And it’s like a case of blight!
Let the others go from ‘miss’
To ‘misses’ in their blinded bliss
I’d prefer to have my abs
Be pinched all day with crabs
Than to ever let a munk in-to my life…
::Lahwhinie goes back up the stairs, speaking thoughtfully::
Lahwhinie: I’m a peaceful little girl. Who likes to see the seashore, and to feel the blessed breeze of the tropics and walk along in the surf’s pull right up to my knees. A calm girl am I, enjoying quiet hours alone…who likes to think about, think it out, free from civilization’s voice and vim. A peaceful little girl!
BUT…!
::Lahwhinie starts running back down, singing::
Let a munk into your life
And your privacy is done!
Your friends he drives away
While his all come and stay
And you’re left doing whatever they think is fun.
He’ll have a loud and annoying family
Who’ll visit without a call
He’ll have a huge and bragging father
Who’ll point out your every flaw
::Lahwhinie picks up a bunch of love letters she’s received off of a table and begins flinging them in every direction, going into a tirade::
Let a munk into your life…
LET A MUNK INTO YOUR LIFE!
::Lahwhinie stops when she hears a bicycle’s bell. She goes to the nearest “window”—really the stage between her and the audience—and sees Chip wave to her in his Victorian suit as he riders by. She promptly shuts the blinds and comes back to sit down contentedly by Gadget, as perfectly behaved as Miss Manners::
Lahwhinie: I shall never let a munk into my life.
::The orchestra finishes with and emphasizing beat, the curtain closes, and the audience stands and applauds::
US Award for Best MiSTing
::The orchestra plays a slow Slavonic dance, and out comes Cassandra, the fortune-telling Gypsy moth from “Seer No Evil”. She flies to the podium, landing next to the mike, speaking in her mysterious silky voice::
Cassandra: Ah, it is so good to see you all once again. I, Cassandra, will be presenting the award for Best MiSTing tonight. In my profession, I travel quite a bit so it is enjoyable to me to read something fraught with humor to take away the edge of the day. MiSTings are perfect for that, and the nominees represented here are among the best. They include:
Candidate Goof MiST-ing, by Matt Plotecher
Crossover -- MiST-ing, by Citizen Arth-R-DNT
MiST-ed: “Dial ‘O’ for Oddimals”, by Matt Plotecher
MiST-ed: Caretaker, by John Nowak & Matt Plotecher
MiST-ed: The Dark Savior Saga, by John Nowak & Matt Plotecher
The RR-Files (MiST-ed), by Robert Knaus
Cassandra: Of course, I already know the winner, but for ceremony’s sake…
::Cassandra tears open the envelope::
Cassandra: Your winner is the MiSTing of The Dark Savior Saga, by John Nowak & Matt Plotecher!
::Medium Shot of the Stage. Polite applause as Widget enters from Stage Left; Tham from Right. They reach the podium. Tham smiles at the audience and bows once; Widget glowers ominously::
Tham: Good evening, esteemed guests. I am An Tham Sun, founder and head of the Sun Clan, here to accept this Golden Acorn on behalf of Matt, for he is regrettably unable to attend.
Widget: I am Widget Hackwrench, winner of the Plato Award for “Gadget’s Coolest Sister”. John Nowak couldn’t be here because I locked him into his bedroom. I am here to accept the award for “Best MiSTing” on his behalf -- and to issue a warning.
Tham: Widget-san, I should note that the Plato you were awarded was actually for “Best Original Female Character”. (He pauses) Did you say something about a warning?
Widget: Don’t worry, it’s something you can get behind.
::Close on Widget while Tham regards her curiously.::
Widget: All our lives are finite, and the sands of time flow all too quickly. By giving John and Mart—
Tham: Matt.
Widget: Thank you. By giving John and Max an award for MiSTing, you are encouraging them to keep MiSTing. And what good can come out of that?
::Cut to Tham::
Tham: Well, John Nowak and Matt Plotecher have recently – December 2002, to be exact—achieved the honor of having two of their co-authorships placed in the top ten MiSTings listed at Web Site #9. In fact, those works have been ranked as #1 and #5.
::Pull back to show a scornful Widget::
Widget: Every second John and Mack spend poking fun at other writers is a second they aren’t writing about us.
::Widget pauses to let this sink in, then lunges for the mike, knocking Tham down. She harangues the audience::
Widget: Bad enough that they are pursuing their pathetic careers; bad enough that they write fiction with nary a talking mouse therein, but they further withdraw their attention from me—and you, Tham—by making fun of better writers than they are!
::Slow pan of terrified audience.::
Widget: And I accuse you, the people who voted them this award, of encouraging them to write about things that aren’t me!
::Cut to Widget, floating on a wave of rhetoric::
Widget: And to the Academy, to you I say—ow!
::Widget collapses behind the podium, and Tham rubs the edge of his hand.::
Tham: [musing] One would not think that a woman of soft hair would have such a hard head....
::Medium shot of stage. Juergen enters from the left::
Tham: Ah, Juergen-san. My apologies for knocking your beloved wife out, but when she said that Victor Appleton was a better writer than Mr. Nowak and Mr. Plotecher, honor dictated nothing less.
Juergen: That’s all right. I’ll take her home.
::Tham helps Juergen toss an unconscious Widget over the German mouse’s shoulder::
Juergen: Thanks. See you in ‘Tsunami for Two?’
Tham: The ancestors willing, yes. (turns to the audience) Many thanks for this recognition. Good night!
::He exits the stage with the award, and Cassandra nods her head and flies off stage::
US Award for Best Prose Parody
::A human and his dog—is there ever a more worthy pair? (don’t answer that, pros! ;-))—come walking out on stage together. It’s Roger Baskerville and his faithful dog McDuff, from the episode “Pound of the Baskervilles”::
Roger: Good everything, everyone. Ever since the time the Rangers dropped in on us, we’ve wanted a chance to get together with them again, and now seemed a great time.
McDuff: We know how Chip loves the works of Howard Bask, and so we’ve got a little something for him. Roger found another unpublished manuscript in the attic…
::Chip comes up, humbled and accepts the manuscript::
Chip: ‘The Case of Dyed Detective’. Sounds like a colorful one!
Roger: As you know, Mr. Bask’s titles are for the most part parodies of the famous Sherlock Holmes stories. So it seemed appropriate to give this to Chip as we introduce the nominees for the Best Prose Parody category.
A Fly From Heaven, by Matt Plotecher
C-N-D-R-R, by Matt Plotecher
Crash Into Trees, by Matt Plotecher
Interview With The Mouse, by Candy Courtnier
The Day Smart Became Dale, by Indy and Rennod
The Munks of Hazzard, by Nelson
McDuff: Wow, lots of parodies around here!
::Roger opens the envelope::
Roger: Yep, but only one won this time. It’s “Interview with the Mouse”!
McDuff: We’re informed that Candy couldn’t be contacted, but we know she’ll appreciate this fine award. After all, it was a long time in coming!
Roger: Too long, if you ask me. Come on, boy, let’s go home.
::Roger and McDuff walk off the stage, the crowd applauding them::
US Award for Best Song Parody
::Rob, the New York hot dog selling mouse from CD’s “Family Business”, gets on stage. While the room applauds, the orchestra plays "Ride of the Valkyries". Rob assumes the podium and begins his presentation in his own brand of broken, Slavic, yet distinct English::
Rob: Thank you all people for applauding. It makes Rob feel like special award winner. Rob will present a 'Best Song Parody" award. Wow, Rob loves a good musical performance! Makes Rob think about good home country where trees are large, and mountains fertile. Land of miracles where crippled see, and blind walk. The nominations of 'Best Song Parody' award are:
Margrave Schroeder, "Hotel Rangerphilia"
Duke Rennod, with both "Romeos & Gadget" and "Ms. Hackwrench"
"A Whole New Thing" by Regent Indy and Viscount Dyglo
Greve Johan Rhen , "Sweet Gadget"
::Rob looks at the audience and smiles::
Rob: You people never thought Rob know so much noble titles, don't you? Just that you guys and girls know, a "Greve" is a Swedish Count. And "Margrave" is a translation for German Markgraf or Marquess.
::Rob takes the envelope and read the card, then smiles::
ROB: Our musical Emperor is…Rennod!
::A short burst of the melody from “Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band plays as Rennod walks onto the stage and accepts the trophy from the presenter::
Rennod: Wow, this is great. I’m very pleased and happy to accept this award. ‘Ms. Hackwrench is the Centerfold’, along with ‘That Hackwrench Girl’, were my first two Rescue Ranger song parodies to hit the net, and were my first real contribution to the fandom. Somehow this one’s been getting all the attention, though. I wonder why?
::Mild chuckles flow throughout the audience::
Dale: Look! Gadget’s blushing!
::A few more chuckles, and Rennod takes over the audience’s attention again::
Rennod: I still think ‘Romeos and Gadget’ is my best so far, but that one didn’t make it. Still, I’m pleased with the award, and the work that merited it. Thank you all, I appreciate the recognition.
::Rennod bows and nods slightly to the audience and exits the stage to the back. Rob heads off to work at the lobby’s concession stands::
US Award for Best Satire
::Warden Renson, from CD’s “Unlikely Enemy”, enters the stage as the band plays the “Guile's Stage” theme from Street Fighter II. The crowd applauds, but whether it's due to the musical orchestra or because of the appearance of an AP officer remains shrouded in mystery::
Rensen: Thank you, you can stop clapping now. I will be presenting the Best Satire award for this ceremony. To let you all know, satires are what makes the fanfiction world go 'round, at least to those who like crossovers and trans-dimensional adventures. For those people we have selected the following nominees:
“Crossroads of Time” by John Davidson
“Mind Media” by 8-bit Star
“Rangers/Animaniacs” by Indy and Chris Silva
::Rensen takes a document file, pulls out an envelope, and opens it.::
Rensen: And our bestest satirer is...John Davidson, for “Crossroads of Time”!
::The crowd applauds, then grows silent in shock as five Borg transport in front of the podium::
Borg: We are accepting this award on behalf of the person you know as John Davidson, whose new designation is 2 of 17. We wish to thank you all for giving us this award. Now down to business. You will be assim—
::Another transporter beam appears and John appears on stage, the word “REJECT” stamped all over his clothing::
John: Hey, give me that!
::John grabs his award from the Borg. The Borg vanish in a transporter beam, and the audience laughs accordingly::
John: Sorry about that. I had a little run-in with the Borg. It seems that my mind being assimilated would have caused major havoc among the collective, so they let me go. I also convinced them that assimilating any of you would cause the same problem. Well, thank you for this award. Funny thing is, I actually wrote this story when I was working on “Revenge Squad”. I had a nasty bout of writer’s block so I decided to do a little humor. I got the idea for this story after reading some similar stories involving crossovers between many TV series and decided to do the same with the Rangers. Once again, thank you all!
::The crowd applauds, and once Warden Rensen checks to make sure there are no more Borg waiting off-stage, he escorts John to the curtain::
US Award for Best Poetic Imagery
::Winston takes the stage. He is wearing a tuxedo and, of course, his ever-present glasses with their much battered and oft-repaired, but still dignified looking, frames. Walking across the stage, he briefly reaches up and straightens his glasses out of habit. As he reaches the microphone, he clears his throat, and, taking a deep breath, looks around at the now-silent audience for a second or two::
Winston: Poets are truly talented people. I’ve never been a good poet myself, and I greatly admire those who are. It’s really not easy. They can take the strongest emotions, the deepest feelings of our hearts, and somehow express with clarity that which is infinitely complex. As a student of zen philosophy for several years now, I think that part of the appeal of poetry is because it seems to so easily achieve, in the form of literature, one of zen’s goals: It takes that which is most essential and universal and puts it into a pure, concise form that encompasses everything it needs, and nothing it doesn’t, then delivers it with a simplicity that only makes it all the more beautiful and inspirational. These artists never cease to amaze me, and it’s an honor to have been chosen to present some of them with Golden Acorn awards in this ceremony.
::Winston waits a few seconds, then continues::
Winston: And so, it gives me great pleasure to present to you the nominees in the category for Best Poetic Imagery:
“The Gadget Sonnets”, by Indy.
“The Lady Hackwrench”, by Candy Courtnier.
::Winston pulls an envelope from a pocket, cracks open the seal, and looks inside::
Winston: And the winner is Indy, for the Gadget Sonnets!
::Indy stands at his seat as the audience claps. He walks on stage quickly and shakes Winston’s hand. Chip gives him a wave from the audience, as they’re similarly attired. Indy waves back, then settles in behind the podium::
Indy: Thank you. For me, poetry has always been a way of expressing myself, and particularly for expressing strong feelings. When I wrote the Gadget Sonnets, it was during my early days at the Café, and I felt the need to express what Gadget meant to me.
::Indy looks over at Gadget in the seats, and she smiles back at him::
Indy: I wrote the sonnets quickly—I think it only took around ten minutes because my thoughts on her were so clear. Our little mouse inventor’s quite a wonder, and I’m glad that I was able to express some of that wonder in verse for everyone to read. Thank you all very much.
::The crowd applauds kindly and Indy takes his award as Winston escorts him off-stage::
US Award for Best Poet
::Winston is relived that he wasn’t removed from the stage for the length of that first one. As the camera returns to focus on him, he starts anew::
Winston: Next, in the category of Best Poet, the nominees are:
8-Bit Star
Candy Courtnier
Indy
Rennod
::Winston pulls out another envelope, methodically snapping the seal::
Winston: Hey, we have a tie between Rennod and Indy!
::The two hosts come up to the applause of the crowd. Each one is given an award, and then they signal for silence::
Rennod: Shall I go first or you?
Indy: Let’s go together. You lead off.
::Rennod nods and begins the speech::
Rennod:
A calling unlikely,
the crafter of verse.
the ledger of lyrics
can be bane and curse.
Should we go for a rhyme?
Should we follow the meter?
For this award, sir,
Whose lyrics prove neater?"
::Indy grins and continues::
Indy:
T'would be sheer hubris
To call one verser best
In this case, two is
The number, and lest
We forget, two heads
A common theme led
Rennod:
Two heads are better
Than one, it's so said,
But more chiefs than injuns
Can bring on sheer dread.
What more can we ask for?
This cannot be right,
For while we stand versing,
They've called it a night!
::Indy is about to take over, when Rennod taps him and points to the audience::
Rennod:
Our wonderful viewers,
And paid audience,
They want to see action,
Now boredom they sense!
So which shall it be?
The fedora or shades?
One of us accept the award
Or they'll send us to Hades!
::The audience prepares to throw tomatoes, which gives Indy his impetus::
Indy:
For this fine award
We thank thee all
Now let us go forward
Before they run us through the wall!
::The crowd applauds, more out of relief than anything, and the two poets bow and make a rather hasty retreat::
US Award for Best Verse
::Winston waits until things have calmed down again. Sensing the eagerness of the crowd, he decides to skip his 30-minute intro and go straight to the heart of the matter::
Winston: And, in the final poetry award of the night, the category of Best Verse, the nominees are:
“A Very Bad Poem to a Very Good Mouse”, by Ray Jones.
“Can it Be Just a Year?”, by Indy.
“Kubla Kat”, by Galabad.
“No More Tears”, by Indy.
“The Lady Hackwrench”, by Candy Courtnier.
“To Gadget Hackwrench”, by Indy.
“To Look Upon You”, by Indy.
Winston pulls out his final envelope, tears the seal slowly, and pulls it open::
Winston: And the winner is…correction, the winners are Galabad for Kubla Kat and Ray Jones for A Very Bad Poem to a Very Good Mouse! Unfortunately, we couldn’t contact Galabad, but we’ll be sending his trophy along to him as soon as we do. Ray Jones, it’s all yours!
Dr. Batorious (announcing): And now, to accept the award of “Best Poem” for Ray Jones, we have none other than the star of the poem herself, Gadget Hackwrench.
::The wire leading up to the microphone on the podium shakes and we see Gadget climb onto the top. She looks around::
Gadget: Golly! Look at all the people!
::Everyone smiles and waves, while Gadget decides just what to say::
Gadget: Um, I’m Gadget Hackwrench and I appear in Ray’s poem. Actually, since most of the poem is a dream sequence, I only appear according to some theories of dream interpretation. Other theories hold that dreams are entirely solipsistic and that all the characters are different elements of the dreamer’s own psychic structure. But that seems unlikely. After all, we interact with other people constantly so I’d think we would dream of them. Not that parts of their minds enter into ours, but their symbolic representations would be models of them and not just our own reactions to them.
::Chip stares from his seat in an “oh no” look, and Dale’s eyes start to get heavy::
Gadget: Personally, I prefer more neurophysiological models, such as that dreams are the result of “strobing” the cerebral cortex by impulses supplied through afferents from the reticular nuclei in the brain stem, and acting as part of the long-term memory fixation process. Of course, the impulses are probably not entirely random, which seems inefficient. More likely, they are driven by some chaotic generator mechanism. And the response of the cerebral cortex…
Indy, (offstage): Psst! Gadget!
::Gadget is off in explanation mode, too merry to be bothered by the fedora-clad human. Half the audience is asleep by this point, and it isn’t looking good for the rest of them::
Gadget: …wouldn’t be expected to be entirely random either because of discharge latencies set up by immediately preceding…
Indy: GAD-GET!
Gadget: …experiences during the previous day. Indy? Did you say something?
::Indy points at his watch::
Indy: Brief! Brief!
::Gadget gets a look on her face that’s a combination of miffed and embarrassed::
Gadget: Briefs? Golly, I don’t wear briefs! I thought everybody knew.
::Indy shakes his head and makes motions bringing his index finger and thumb together::
Indy: Short! Short!
Gadget: That’s what I was saying. I wear pink.
::The small section of the audience that is awake is laughing now, and starting to reawaken the others. Indy makes frantic sawing motions across his throat with his index finger. Finally, the message does seem to get through::
Gadget: Oh! Okay. Well, I guess I should mention a couple of things about the poem, then. For one, was it a real dream? No, just an experience Ray wishes he could have had. And was there anything to it besides a succession of interesting and pleasant images? I think so.
::Gadget smiles, reminiscing::
Gadget: In the poem, he let me take some parts he had found so I could build a vehicle. To show my appreciation, I scampered up his arm and onto his shoulder to touch his cheek. My touch ‘broke his heart’.
::There is a collective “awww” from the crowd, mainly the guys::
Gadget: I believe what he was trying to say by that was that as we live our lives we can sometimes get so caught up in our everyday routine that we lose sight of wonder and beauty and imagination - forget the things that make all our hard work worth doing.
::Dale pulls out a handkerchief::
Dale: It’s so true! I’ll never take any of you for granted again, Chip!
::Dale hangs on Chip’s shoulder, bawling. Chip ducks his head, embarrassed, and pats his friend on the back. Gadget continues on, oblivious::
Gadget But no matter how old or how ‘dry’ we get, if we will just let ourselves be open to the experience, we can still find renewal and regain inspiration. If we just accept it, we can be given back our lives as a gift. And that wonderful gift can come to us in the humblest and most unlikely forms.
::Gadget pauses for dramatic effect::
Gadget: Even just a little mouse. I guess that’s all there is to say about it. Thanks!
::The audience is teary-eyed as Gadget turns and scampers back down the microphone cord and out of sight. A moment later, they break into spontaneous applause::
US Award for Best Joke/Use of Humor in a story
Dr. Batorious (announcing): One's a cute 'Peanuts' character, one's just plain cute. Presenting the awards for "Best Joke/Use Of Humor" are Schroeder and Binky.
::The audience applauds as Gadget leaves and returns with Bink. She guides the toddler squirrel up the podium, then walks off, waving goodbye to everyone::
Schroeder: Okay, 'jokes'. Jokes are like these humorous statements—they're there to keep things from getting oh-so-serious.
::Binky sucks on her pacifier, saying nothing::
Schroeder: Yeah, like you slip on a banana peel, or you say something about chickens crossing the road...
::Binky again sucks on her pacifier, saying nothing::
Schroeder: Ah, I see...a squirrel of few words...y'know, I admire that...
::Schroeder starts to get fidgety::
Binky: Cookie?!
Schroeder: *to audience* Oog...I *gotta* see my agent about this!
::The audience laughs::
Schroeder: And here are the nominees.
Announcer: For the 'Best Joke/Use Of Humor' award, the nominees are...
Chip kisses Gadget and jumps off the building, by Jeff Wikstrom, from “Dance of the Dreams”
Freddie uses Dale as a pen, by KS, from “The Ties That Bind”, Chapter 10
Gadget's joke to Tammy, by Morgan Kohl, from “Cobwebs of the Past”
Romulus learns Fangs is a vampire, by KS, from “The Ties That Bind”, Chapter 7
The Rangers' nightmares, by Jeff Wikstrom, from “Dance of the Dreams”
Schroeder: *muttering on-mike to Binky* Ya *sure* you don't wanna open the
envelope?!
::Bink stares at him blankly, the audience chuckles, and Schroeder opens the envelope then looks up::
Schroeder: It’s Jeff Wikstrom, for Chip kisses Gadget and jumps off the building!
::The crowd applauds, then Jeff comes on stage::
Jeff: I'd hoped to write some sort of comedic dialogue, but several factors
prevent that. So instead, let me give you these two paragraphs.
::The crowd chuckles a little, and he continues::
Jeff: Thank you for this honor. It's certainly nice to be recognized, as I'm
sure everyone would agree, and it's very gratifying to think that someone
besides me thinks I'm funny. Dying is easy; comedy is hard.
Dale (from the audience): You’re telling ME!
Jeff: Let me thank in particular the various fanfiction authors whose work I
mocked/homaged over the course of “Dance of the Dreams”. You know who you
are. And if you're interested in laughing at things because they amuse you,
let me point you to the MiSTings by John Nowak and Matt Plotecher, which (if
you read them with your eyes) you will undoubtedly find very funny indeed.
::Jeff takes his award and leaves as the crowd applauds. Bink points to her open mouth::
Schroeder: Okay okay, we’ll head for the buffet now. See you, folks!
::The crowd applauds, and the two of them head off stage::
US Award for Best Plot Twist
Dr. Batorious (announcing): He plays a toy piano, she plays with transistors. Presenting the awards for “Best Plot Twist” are Schroeder and Gadget Hackwrench.
::The audience applauds::
Schroeder: This award goes to the ‘Best Plot Twist’. You know about ‘plot twists’, don’t ya?!
Gadget: Yeah, like when you read something, and you expect it to go a certain way, but then it heads in an entirely different direction than you planned. Sometimes that can bring a new level of suspense to the plot.
Schroeder: You sure that has nothing to do with the famous 1960’s dance?!
Gadget (puzzled): Nah, but, weeeeell, I guess it can if the story needs it...though it would be quite an interesting story...I dunno, are you sure about this? I mean, is Fat Cat *that good* a dancer?
Schroeder (flustered): Uh, it’s a joke, Gadget, really...
Gadget: But I thought this was the ‘Plot Twist’ category! (angrily, to Schroeder) Boy, do *you* need to rehearse more, Mister Professional!!!”
Schroeder (obliviously): Here are the nominees...
Announcer: For the ‘Best Plot Twist’ award, the nominees are...
Chip splits in two, by Indy and Chris Silva, from “Dreams Divided”
Chip/Foxglove, by Indy and Chris Silva, from “Living the Dream”
Dale/Gadget, by Indy and Chris Silva, from “Daring to Dream”
Gadget’s true parentage, by Indy & Chris Silva, from “The Untold Ranger Tales”
::Gadget opens the envelope::
Gadget: And the winner is, Gadget’s true parentage! Golly, is my ancestry such a surprising thing?
::Chris and Indy take the stage and are welcomed by Gadget and Schroeder, who hand them the award::
Indy: This particular plot twist that you found so popular had its origins quite a while back. I’ll let Chris explain that one.
Chris: It all started with a Monty quote I did for one of the “Things the Rangers Would Never Say” threads at the Café. To wit—
Monty: Truth is, I’m yer dad, Gadget luv, not Geegaw. I just spent so much time away
adventurin’ that ye grew up thinkin’ he’s yer dad. I wanted to tell you this before, but how
do ye bring somethin’ like this up?
Indy: And of such things great plot twists are born. Thanks everyone, and remember—just because it looks obvious doesn’t mean anything!
::The audience applauds, along with Schroeder and Gadget, as Indy and Chris wave and walk off stage::
US Award for Best Dialogue, Line or Quote
::A ship's whistle resounds throughout the theater, and a ship's gangway lowers onto the stage. To the accompaniment of a boson’s pipe, "piping the side", Loki descends the gangway, formally attired in his Dinner dress blues::
Loki: Thank you all for welcoming an old Sailor into your computers again. The category I'm presenting honors those wordsmiths among our writers' community who have the ability, with remarkably few words, to invoke a smile, a laugh, a tear, a wistful memory or a wild rush of happiness. The category is "Best Dialogue, Line or Quote" from a fan fiction. The nominees are many and distinguished, and I can only wish that I had all the time I need to personally see each of these nominees, and their stories:
"Alas, poor thumbtack, I knew him, Horseradish...", by KS, from Roaches, Hamsters, and Ladybugs, Oh, My!, spoken by Dale
Loki: A treat for those of us who are of a Shakespearean bent. One wonders if the rest of the story was also in iambic pentameter.
Chip and Dale's heated argument, by The J.A.M., from Death of a Comedian (Chapter Tessares)
Loki: There are many heated arguments between these two, it's a staple of all their films. Yet this one stands out.
"Comic acting takes timing! It takes skill! It takes practice...take me, I'm yours!", by Indy & Chris Silva, from Rangers/Animaniacs
Loki: Writing for one set of manic characters is hard enough. Two? Did someone ask for a P-sychiatrist? Helllo-o-o nurse!
Dale and Foxglove disciplining the Batmunk, by The J.A.M., from I Dream of the New Ranger
Loki: I didn't read this one. Is this an offspring or a villain? Someone fill me in!
Dale finds out just what the guards *would* believe..., by Indy and Rennod, from The Day Smart Became Dale
Loki: (a la Don Adams) The old comedy spy crossover trick, eh? Don't tell me I missed this one too?! I asked you not to tell me that! Sorry about that.
Foxglove's argument on the second ending, by The J.A.M., from Let's Suppose Chip & Dale Behaved Slightly Differently After The Kidnapping
Loki: Fat Cat hath no fury like our favorite bat scorned.
"Hmmm. Most peculiar. I feel perspicacious, sagacious...even astute," Dale noted., by Indy & Chris Silva, from The Day Dale Became Smart
Loki: How about erudite, or clever, intelligent maybe, even witty! Okay, I'll put the thesaurus away now.
"I'm waiting for the Belching Bulldogs!", by KS, from Roaches, Hamsters, and Ladybugs, Oh My!
Loki: Ah yes, male bonding at its finest. Who's next?
"The Machiavellian Gourmet?", Lahwhinie, by Indy & Chris Silva, from The Untold Ranger Tales
Loki: Yeah, when he says "bam" he actually whacks the dish with a baseball bat. I dunno, can you trust a cook who feels it is better to be feared than to be loved?
"Who you callin' a zipper, fool! Now cut with the jibber jabber and come on!", by Indy & Chris Silva, from RR/ATeam: Dale on the Jazz
Loki: One question, how does a fly carry all that gold around? Moving right along . . .
"Wow, he, that, golly, oh... Oh, I'm, I'm okay. I'm okay," she said as much to herself as Monty. "Golly", by Jeff Wikstrom, from Dance of the Dreams
Loki: Now this one I did read. I have to say, this guy positively nailed the whole awkwardly-romantic moment thing.
"Yes," Gadget, at the end, by John Nowak, from Sovereign
Loki: Um, what? And now the moment you've all been waiting for: I finally shut up, except to announce the winner, which is . . .
::Loki opens the envelope::
Loki: As you might suspect, there is more than one! They are KS for ‘alas, poor thumbtack’, The J.A.M. for Chip and Dale’s heated argument, and Indy and Chris Silva for ‘who you callin’ a zipper, fool!’.
::Kevin makes his way onto the stage and over to the podium to accept his award. Clearing his throat, he looks out into the audience::
Kevin: Many nya:wehs to the Academy. Wait, what Academy...never mind. The idea for the line didn’t come to me until the very last minute...it just kinda jumped out at me, it was just so Dale.
::Dale shouts, “You got it, KS!” to him, and the crowd laughs in response::
Kevin: Anyhow, this wouldn’t have been possible without the Bard of Avon himself, William Shakespeare, without whose intensely moody ‘Hamlet’, Dale wouldn’t have had such a great line. Thanks, Bill!
::After a moment of reflection he continues::
Kevin: Perhaps this will herald a new era of Ranger crossovers... the mixing of our favorite rodents and insect with the works of the greatest playwright of all times. Maybe we will see such works as ‘Fat Cat VIII’, ‘The Taming of Luwhiney’, ‘Julius Zipper’ and ‘The Tempest’ with Sparky as Prospero. Whatever happens, my thanks go out to Shakespeare for the inspiration and to the Rangerphile community for their support!
::Bowing to the audience graciously, KS leaves the podium. Then the audience roared just as loud as the jaguar did, who stood up on top of his chair::
J.A.M.:¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡¡¡GOL, GOL, GOL, GOL, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!
::He, Chris Silva, and the chipmunks run down to the stage, and the band plays "Little Girl". Once there, the onça decides to wait for Chip and Dale to stop fighting for the microphone.
Dale: HeyIwanagivemyspeech!!
Chip: WaityourturndummyI'mtheleadersoIgettospeakfirst!!
Dale: Noyoudon't!Thestorywasaboutme!
Chip: Itwasaboutallofus!
::Suddenly both chipmunks are silenced by two furry paws that clamp their mouths shut. The panther finally speaks::
J.A.M.: AHEM!!! Wow, TWO nominations again!! What I *think* these two best of friends are trying to say is that they're both REALLY happy that you voted for them. Any friendship has its snags, and when they pile up over time, a trauma can make things get ugly, but if the friendship is strong, like YOURS, GUYS…
::The chipmunks stop struggling and calm down, finally::
J.A.M.: …then it can survive, and come out cleansed and stronger than before, am I right, guys?
::He releases the chipmunks, and both remain hushed, as does the audience::
Dale: It was—it was intense.
Chip: And revealing. Dale, I wouldn't have anyone else for a best friend.
Dale: Aww, shucks, Chip!!
::The chipmunks hug, and the jaguar hugs them both. The audience stands and roars, and a few cry as well::
J.A.M.: Also, I'd also like to thank most of all Christopher Silva, because he's the one who originally wrote 'Dale's' Lament. I simply took Dale's speech and adapted it to my story, so he deserves this award just as much. Chris, do you wanna say a few words?
::Chris steps up to the mic::
Chris: I'm glad I was able to help and I thank J.A.M for the nod.
::The four take their awards, give an elegant bow, and leave the stage. Then the orchestra plays the theme from “The A-Team” and Zipper comes out in his B.A. attire from the show, complete with Mohawk. Accompanying him, dressed in green camouflage pants and a red shirt, is none other than Mr. T! The two of them give a thumbs-up, and Mr. T walks up two the podium::
Mr. T: My little T friend asked me to come tonight and make sure he wasn’t ignored. LISTEN UP, SUCKAS!
::Zipper flies up to the podium, measuring in just a little less tall than the award he’s receiving::
Zipper: Thanks, big T! I want to thank Indy and Chris for letting me show my true colors. Zipper T is tough, and don’t you forget it! Now give me that trophy before that crazy fool Murdock comes along and gets it!
::Mr. T. and Zipper laugh at Zipper’s impersonation, and Zipper smiles. He hauls the award up over his head, showing off his musculature, and flies off the podium. The “A-Team” theme plays again and little T and big T leave the stage. Loki salutes and ascends the gangplank, disappearing from sight::
US Award for Best Moment in a Fanfic
::Neobat walks onto the stage and takes his place at the podium. Smiling, he looks out into the audience as the applause dies down::
Neobat: When I was approached to be a presenter at these ceremonies I immediately thought to myself that these guys must really be desperate to be asking me to do this. Be that as it may, I’ve decided to let two of my friends help me out on this. So without further ado I’d like to introduce Alicia Ravencroft and Alexander Fairmont.
::From stage right a large albino neobat swoops in and lands atop the podium. Looking out at the assemblage she smiles broadly while stealing a wave at her friends, The Rescue Rangers, who are seated front row center::
Neobat: Hello, Alicia. I must say you look absolutely stunning this evening.
Alicia: What? This old thing? Oh, it’s just something I threw on.
Neobat: Well, I like the way it landed on you then.
::Then as if struck by the same thought both presenters look stage left. The albino she-bat places her hands on her hips and sucks her teeth::
Neobat: Where the heck is that boyfriend of yours, Alicia?
Alicia: Darned if I know. He was here a few minutes ago.
Neobat: Wait, I see him up in the light rigging.
Alicia: Hey Alex, get your butt down here, you crazy night flyer!
::From out of the rigging at stage left an even larger, reddish-brown neo bat glides in and lands on the podium with a thud::
Alicia: Alexander P. Fairmont, where the heck were you? Honestly I can’t leave you alone for a minute!
Alex: Sorry Lishi, but I got held up by a couple of security rodents backstage.
Neobat: Small wonder.
Alex: Whattayamean?
Neobat: Really Alex, you’re wearing your body armor! This is supposed to be a formal event.
Alex: Hey, I’m wearing my gold ear tag here! I don’t get much more formal than that.
::The big neo bat looks out at the audience and smiles. He turns back to Neobat::
Alex: This feels really weird.
Neobat: How so?
Alex: This is the first time I’ve been faced with this many people and they aren’t trying to kill me.
::The crowd erupts with laughter::
Neobat: Well, that may be but let’s get on with this. Will you two do the honors and read off the list of nominees?
Alex: Not a problem, big guy….in the category of Best “Moment” in a Fanfic (Any Type, Brief), the nominees are…
Alicia: A human nearly cracks the secret of the animal world, by Matt Plotecher, from “Payback”.
Alex: Chip pays the price for losing his bet with Gadget, by Dave White, from “The Bikini Break”.
Alicia: Dale and Clarice at The Nutshell, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”.
Alex: Dale and Foxglove’s “blackout” scene, by The J.A.M., from “Death of a Comedian”.
Alicia: Dale argues with all the Rescue Rangers, by Indy and Chris Silva, from “The Day Dale Became Smart”.
Alex: Gadget discovers Dale’s lair, they fall in love, by Indy and Chris Silva, from “The Untold Ranger Tales”.
Neobat: And the winner is…oh, we’ve got a tie, folks! The winners are Dave White, for Chip pays the price and The J.A.M. for Dale and Foxy’s “blackout”.
::Now, Dale and Foxglove precede the jaguar, who is hollering once more his victory cry, as the band now plays “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. At the stage, the couple takes their awards, and the jaguar stands behind them with his award::
Dale: Zowie! Thanks everyone!!
::The audience cheers, but then hushes as a somber expression comes over the couple. Foxglove speaks up now::
Foxy: That—that experience was the deepest I’ve ever been through—I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else—not if that was what was needed to bring in the final reckoning.
Dale: And—also—well, everything that led up to it was overwhelming—
::He smiles again::
Dale: But it sure was worth it at the end, wasn’t it, Foxy?
::The bat lady smiles too::
Foxy: Oh, it sure was, Cute Stuff!! Ultimate Darkness led to Ultimate Light!!
Dale: Not to mention a laugh or two!
J.A.M.: AHEM.
::The couple stands aside and lets the jaguar speak::
J.A.M.: Golly, TWO nominations here!! Thanks to Roy Neal Grissom for letting me expand on Foxglove’s original ‘blackout’ scene in his story, ‘Consummation’, and for providing vital information about the Hebrew language, which played a huge part in that scene. ¡Gracias otra vez!
::The couple steps up again::
Dale and Foxy: Thank you all for voting!!
::The audience stands and cheers wildly as the three leave the stage. Neobat checks the envelope again::
Neobat: Wait, there should be one more…
::There is the soft KRUMPH of an explosive charge from above the stage and a shower of ceiling plaster that makes Neobat flinch. A pair of rappelling ropes drops down, and a tuxedo-clad Gary and Gordon make their entrance with the rappelling ropes once again, to the adulation of the crowd::
::Gary steps to the microphone::
Gary: On behalf of our writer, Dave White, we'd like to thank the members of the Acorn Cafe, the readers, and Indy and Rennod for this wonderful, and unexpected, honor. We thank you all very humbly and very, very much.
::Neobat prepares to hand them the award, when Gadget comes running up::
Gadget: Wait!
::Neobat looks confused as Gadget rushes up on stage::
Gadget: Dave asked me to give out the award if he won. Is that okay?
Neobat: Sure thing, Gadget!
Gadget: Okay guys, come get your award!
::Gary and Gordon accept the award graciously from Gadget, each smooching her on one cheek. Gadget giggles and they start heading off the stage with her. She links arms with her two scruffy friends and leads them towards the buffet table::
Gary: Are you sure you don't need to be rescued?
::Gadget pauses, thinking a moment::
Gadget: Maybe from the press conference…
Gordon (winking): Gotcha.
Dr. Batorious (announcing): When the Written awards return, we’ll have the winners for Best Original Female and Male characters, as well as Best Imagery and Action Sequence. The Golden Acorn Awards will be right back!
Proceed to Part 7