Editor's Note: This is a parody of the Walt Disney version of Robin Hood, using the cast of the "Cats Don't Dance" movie to portray or parody the various characters. We love both of these animated works, and hopefully this work will show just that.
ith a flourish of bold melody, the beloved story of Robin Hood opens. As the music ended, Alan-a-Dale (played by Cranston) came out in a medieval troubador’s costume, dragging a lute in his hand, the bottom of it plowing the ground. “You know, there’s been a heap of legends and tall tales...oh, who cares! This outfits’s itching me like crazy! Let’s get on with it already!”
The scene quickly shifted to the wily outlaw Robin Hood (played by Danny), and his loyal sidekick Little John (in this case aptly-named, played by Pudge). They were up in a tree, each laying on a branch and looking relaxed, taking things at their ease.
“Gee Robin, it’s great to be helping out the poor and all, but I don’t think they liked the rest of it,” Little John said.
“What do you mean, Johnny? I thought the poor people of Nottingham loved getting money,” Robin asked.
Little John sighed, then explained, “Well, singing ‘Pennies From Heaven’ while throwing the money at them and dancing in a tux and top hat on top of that seems a little overboard.” Danny just smiled back. “Hey, I like singing and dancing! I don’t think it’s a lot to ask. It’s a good exchange—they get money and I get an audience.”
“I don’t know, Rob,” Little John said. “The last bunch looked like they were ready to throw some food at you, and you know what kind of sacrifice that is in these parts.”
Their conversation was cut short when they heard a trumpet blaring in the distance. The two of them parted the leaves of the giant oak they were in and found a singularly satisfying sight. It was the caravan of Prince John, the pretended monarch who had taken over in the absence of King “Crusades or Bust” Richard. With the prince (played by Flanigan) was Dame Hissy (played by Darla Dimple, in a snake costume). At the moment, the prince was gloating over the new tax monies his soldiers had seized from the southern shires.
“Oh, I love money! Love it, love it, love it!” Prince John said, throwing some shiny coins in the air. Dame Hissy sneered in annoyance. “Like we hadn’t noticed.”
The puffed-up prince went over to a crude map attached to the wall of his royal wagon. “And now, it’s on to Nottingham! Then they’ll learn respect for Prince John!” In emphasis, he slammed his fist on the arm of the chair he was sitting in. His crown came off, coming to rest at the end of his lengthy pointed nose.
Robin pointed to the carriage from his hiding place. “I think we should go out there and ask Prince John to lower the taxes!” Little John checked his coin purse. “Well, we are getting low on money for arrows and lincoln green cloth. Not to mention the poor, who are getting low on everything else.”
So said, so done. The two outlaws disguised themselves as female gypsies and headed for the caravan. When Prince John saw them he ordered the coach stopped, as he’d heard somewhere that gypsies could foretell the future—not to mention he was quite gullible. The “gypsies” in question curtsied kindly to his highness’ benevolence.
“Oh, goody!” Prince John said. “I’ve never had my fortune told before. And momsy thought I’d be better off at home—bah!” Robin quickly got lost in his role. “Fortunes told! I can see great things in store for you, princey. A fortune to be made...I see a play, starring a singing and dancing cat...”
Little John punched him on the arm, breaking Robin out of his reverie. “Oh, yeah, I mean I see great things for you, Prince John...or should I say King John!” The prince nearly fainted for joy and started jumping up and down. “Just as I thought! Please, do come inside.”
As they started to do so, Dame Hissy blocked the way. “What are you doing, sire? These gypsies are vagabonds and they could be after your royal treasures!”
“Nonsense, no one would dare steal from me! Be silent, you little viper.”
“It’ssss your funeral.”
Inside the gypsies came and Robin poured on the honey with tales of wonder of what the duped prince would do while Little John worked on the outside, ripping off all the valuables he could. By the time Robin was done, the prince ended up standing at the door of his carriage in his skivvies, watching as Robin Hood laughed and danced his way down the road.
“What? I’ve been bamboozled! Shanghied! Made a fool of!” the prince shouted.
“Not to mention robbed. But they were too late to affect that lasssst one on the list,” Dame Hissy muttered.
Flanigan brushed her aside. “Hush, you! After the dancing outlaw!”
Rushing forward, the carriage—minus its golden hubcaps—soon plunged into the muddy road. Prince John was upset; after all, it was about the dozenth time this month it had happened. Hissy was beside him, disapproving.
“It’s not fair!” Prince John shouted. “But you have to admit, he was a good dancer.”
Hissy harrumphed. “I could dance better than that, if I could get out of this stupid costume, that is.”
Back at their secret hidden base, Robin was dancing and singing in a distracted manner while Little John cooked up some victuals he had procured from the guards. The donut he’d found he engulfed himself—after all, legendary outlaw leaders have to watch their weight. “Robin, I know what you’re thinking about, or rather who you’re thinking about. Just get it over and go to her.”
The comment brought Robin back to cold reality. He knew all to well that Little John was referring to the lovely and refined Maid Marian, whom Robin had loved and idolized for many years forsooth. “I couldn’t do that! I mean, I’m just a cat who tries to lend a helping paw. I don’t have a castle or tapestries or nice clothes or armor or anything. I just rob from the rich to feed the poor and perform a complexly-choreographed dance routine while I do it. What kind of a future could I offer her? I’m an outlaw, albeit a talented one.”
Friar Tuck (played by Woolie the Mammoth) took Robin by surprise with his reply and the robed pachyderm emerged into their secret hidden base. “Oh now, I wouldn’t call you an outlaw, son. After all, you are single-handedly sustaining the impoverished in this area. With a lady, such deeds are impressive. But I have come to tell you of a singular event to be held near Nottingham Castle. Prince John has declared an archery tournament to determine the best archer in all England.”
“I’m not an archer,” Robin argued. “Okay, I carry a bow and arrow and all, but that’s just window dressing! I’m a song and dance cat. What am I supposed to do at an archery contest?”
Little John tested his small bow. “You never know what you can do until you try.”
“And besides, there’s two extra-special prizes,” the friar added. “First a golden arrow...”
“Useless,” Danny said.
The friar grinned. “And presenting the arrow will be the lovely and refined Maid Marian, whom you have loved and idolized for many years forsooth, who I hear will offer a kiss to the winner...”
Little John stood up, raising his eyebrows. “Hey, I think I’ll give it a try for a kiss from her! Uh, that is, if you’re not interested, Robin.” Robin’s eyes grew large at the thought and he picked up his bow. “For her, I’ll do it! After all, faint heart never won fair lady!”
Robin grinned as they headed off-camera. “I always wanted to say that once.”
“I hope those aren’t your last words,” Little John said. “And I’m sure she hopes they aren’t too.”
In Nottingham Castle, the hopes they were speaking of belonged to a white-furred feline named Marian (played by Sawyer). As the king’s royal ward, she had been raised as a high born lady of quality. When Robin had been a knight and dancing instructor in Richard’s service, Robin and Marian had crossed paths and fallen in love. Now with the king gone and the odious Prince John in command, her love was relegated to outlawry.
At the moment, she and Lady Tilly (played by Tilly, but you probably guessed that) were in her quarters and Marian was growing impatient. “Where is he, already!” Marian said. “It’s not like I’m that hard to find. I mean, we’re the only two cats in the kingdom!”
“He’s probably jumping around somewhere, singing and dancing,” Lady Tilly said. “You know how dance-crazed outlaws can be. He’s probably not even going to show up, especially if it rains.”
Marian looked over at Tilly. “What does rain have to do with anything?”
Tilly grinned and started humming a song, and Marian blinked in sudden understanding. The regally-dressed maid crossed her arms. “Well that’s just peachy. Here I am, bored stiff in this dank old castle day after day. They don’t even have decent food here! Maybe I ought to turn outlaw and skishkabob the cook.”
“Now, now, you’re a respectable lady and ladies don’t do things like that. You just wait, Robin will show up eventually and rescue you,” Tilly said.
Marian walked to the window, looking out into the greenwood. “He’d better.”
The day of the archery tournament came. Robin and Little John came of course, in disguise. Robin disguised himself as a fox and Little John as an aristocratic bear. Little John had the job of distracting the prince while Robin tried to look confident handling his bow and arrow. Then Robin met the sheriff, played by Max::
“Oh. Uh, hi there sheriff!” Robin said, waving.
The sheriff peered down at him “HELLO. I WILL WIIIIIN.”
“Well, we’ll see. Hey, I think they’re about to start!”
Indeed, the trumpets blew and the archers lined up to shoot. Marian watched the goings-on with interest, then noticed a certain gangly-looking fox. She knew in a moment who it was and clapped her hand over her eyes. “Oh no, what is he thinking? He can’t shoot the broad side of a barn!”
This statement captured the prince’s attention. “Are you dissatisfied with the young fox’s shooting, young Marian?” Sawyer quickly covered up. “Uh, yeah. If it wasn’t for gravity he couldn’t hit the earth.”
“Sounds like you, princey,” Hissy said.
Prince John clouted her. “I told you not to call me that!”
“Go soak your head! Say, what’s this dumb little bear doing here?”
Little John for his part had wrangled a seat in the royal box. “I’m a great lover of sport and royalty. Besides, snakes can’t shoot arrows.”
“Yes, he’s right,” Prince John said. “Go and mingle with the populace, Dame Hissy.”
“This is discrimination!” Hissy shouted.
The prince yawned. “Hey, this is the twelfth century. Get along, little snakey.”
Little John took Hissy’s seat. “Thanks, P.J. Now, what are the going odds on the fox over there winning this clambake…”
Dame Hissy left the royal box, perturbed. She headed for the archery line where she observed Robin and the sheriff about the shoot. The sheriff went first, the bow in his giant hands looking like a kid’s toy. The arrow missed the center, but still was a decent shot. Robin came up to the line.
“Oh well, here goes...”
The outlaw fired and suddenly there was a brief, violent earthquake, the shaking of which placed the target in the right place at the right time, scoring a bull’s-eye. Robin had covered his eyes but dared a peek. “Hey, it worked! I’m a great archer!!!”
“The crowd cheered, Robin bowed, and Marian and Little John looked perplexed. Dame Hissy shook her head. “Well, that can’t be Robin. That guy there’s a shooting wonder.”
Robin was all worked up now. “Wow, I’m going to win! One more shot and I’ll get the kiss and the golden arrow!”
“I WILL WIIIIIN,” the sheriff retorted.
The sheriff shot his second arrow and this time someone underneath moved the target so his arrow found the bull’s-eye. The crowd hollered “cheat!” but as the prince had said it was the twelfth century and the shot was declared legal.
From underneath, one of the sheriff’s deputy’s emerged (played by T.W). The turtle looked aside toward the audience. “It was the only role they said I was qualified for...” Now a hush fell over the crowd. Could Robin best the sheriff’s shot? Nervously, he approached the line, every eye on him.
Danny fired again and a meteor suddenly struck the ground behind the target, sending it up in the air where Danny’s arrow struck it. “Hey, I got it again!”
The crowd went wild—Robin’s arrow had split the sheriff’s shaft in two! This of course did not stand well with the sheriff, who growled and crushed his bow in one of his hands. Robin did an impromptu dance and bowed, causing Dame Hissy to reconsider.
“Wait, it is him! No one else can do a flamenco move like that. I must tell the prince!” Hissy said. But before she could get there, Alan-a-Dale headed her off. “Hey you!” the grumpy goat said, getting the snake’s attention. “Because of all these stinkin’ taxes, all I can afford to wear is this itchy costume. So here’s something itchy in return!”
Cranston loosed a container of fleas on Dame Hissy, who was soon scratching her head furiously against the nearest tent pole. With her taken care of, all seemed well for Robin. He approached the prince’s box confidently where the now-amazed Maid Marian waited for him. Robin sauntered up and the prince rose to address him.
The prince looked all the way down his nose at Robin, and half an hour later he addressed him. “So, you’ve done a fine job, truly worthy of this singular honor, brave sir fox. I commend you, or rather I condemn you.”
Robin looked up, flustered. “Huh? Bu..bu..bu..but I won! Didn’t you see me win?”
“Yes, you won—Robin Hood! You have danced your last steps! Guards, off with his tap shoes!”
That was all Maid Marian could stand and she moved in front of Prince John. “Now hold on! I admit he’s not the most thoughtful person around, taking ages to get here, but he’s still the only other cat in the kingdom and besides...”
“Besides what?” the prince asked, annoyed. “Come on, come on, I don’t have all day!”
“Oh, all right. I love him! Are you happy?”
Robin gasped, joyous, then addressed the prince. “And I love her too! I’ve loved and idolized her for many years forsooth! Doesn’t that count for anything?”
The prince thought about it. “Wellllllllll....NO! Off with his head!”
The crowd gasped in abject horror as the executioner approached. It looked really bad for our hero, but then the prince had a sudden change of heart. “WAIT!”
The crowd gasped again, this time in surprise. Behind Prince John’s throne, Little John had the point of his mumble-peg knife tickling the prince’s ribs. “All right, princey, tell them to release my pal!”
“Release my pal!” the prince shouted, then muttered to Little John, “And don’t call me princey.”
The sheriff looked on, confused. “WHAT DID THE PRINCE JUST SAAAAY?”
Tilly stood up and shouted, “He said let him go, you big blowhard!”
“Do it, before I get my initials carved in my back!” the prince added.
The sheriff shrugged and let Robin go. Marian ran to meet him and Robin took her in his arms. “Hey, did you miss me, baby? Now we get the big triumphant musical number!”
“Not so fast, dancing boy,” Marian said. “There’s the little problem of the prince’s men to deal with. Why’d it take you so long to get here, anyway? And why didn’t you bring those 700-odd merry men we’re always hearing about?”
“The tryouts took forever,” Robin replied. “Do you have any idea how long it takes to find 700 merry men who can sing and dance? Besides, their tap shoes are still on backorder.”
Marian shrugged. “Well, I guess that makes sense. You are one cute dancer, though.”
Robin and Marian hugged while the sheriff snooped around. He found Little John and picked him up. “HOW DOES THE OUTLAW GOOOO?”
“Robin, HELP!” Little John shouted.
Someone threw Robin a sword and the fight was on! He got rid of his fox disguise and started dancing, dodging and weaving while Marian grabbed up a frying pan and began knocking the bad guys out. Then Robin and Prince John were face to face.
“You’ve had that crown long enough!” Robin said. “It belongs to King Richard! Hand it over and nobody gets hurt. I’ll make swiss cheese out of you if you don’t give it up!”
The prince leered back. “It’s mine! I ripped it off fair and square! Besides, my sheriff has your man captured!”
“Not for long he doesn’t,” Little John said.
The prince and the sheriff looked at Little John, who was enclosed in the sheriff’s hand. The prudent penguin produced a long hat pin. The sheriff began to sweat and shake his head, but Little John nodded and gave the big guy one big jab.
He let Little John go, and quickly Robin and Marian and he headed for the safety of the greenwood, followed by Robin’s band of outlaws. Lady Tilly though decided to give the prince a piece of her mind first. “You mean prince! Take that!”
Lady Tilly whopped him with the golden arrow, which piledrived him into the dirt. He was a little loopy, but not so much as Dame Hissy, who was scratching her head with anything handy. The prince pointed in the hippo’s direction from the hole, “Seize the fat one!”
Well, that was all the impetus Lady Tilly needed. Soldiers and guards came from every direction but she knocked them down left and right. She left a trail of goons all the way to the woods’ edge. “Long live King Richard! Oh, and have a nice day!”
The prince shook his head—his goon squad was as incompetent as ever. Then Dame Hissy saw the prince and rubbed her head against the hilt of his sword. It didn’t do any good, but in a minute they were both scratching like hounds who hadn’t had a bath in a month of Sundays.
“I’ll get you for this, Robin Hood!” the prince shouted. “Now where’s a royal backscratcher when you need one...”
As the scene slowly faded, it reappeared with a moonlit sky. Light and uplifting music began to play in the background and from somewhere a lilty voice began singing:
Love...it seems like only yes-ter-day...
As the voice sang, Robin and Marian appeared, walking through the woods. “Gosh, it’s nice of someone to serenade us,” Robin said. “I’m sure glad about what you said at the archery tournament, Marian.”
Marian looked at him, taken aback. “What? What did I say?”
She looked around nervously and Robin took her hands.
Life is brief, but when it’s gone, love goes on and on...
“That you said you loved me. You know I love you, too. You’re the only one for me.”
Marian breathed easier. “Oh, good, I must have read the wrong script. Yes, I love you and I didn’t agree to anything else while I was there, right?”
Once we watched a la-zy world go by...
Robin looked at her quizzically. “Well no, not really. I mean, I haven’t even bought a ring yet. Will this do for now?” Robin picked a flower and wound it gently around one of Sawyer’s fingers. A firefly came to rest in it.
Marian looked at the “ring” Robin had just given her. “I suppose, until we can get to Tiffany’s. So, what now? The prince is never going to let you be a hero. “
“Oh, I have my ways,” Robin said, staring into Marian’s eyes, a peaceful look coming over him.
She looked up at him, quizzically. “What?
“Oh nothing. It’s just that your eyes sparkle in the moonlight. Now I remember why I love and idolize you forsooth. Let’s go join the others in my secret hidden base.”
Robin led Marian behind a waterfall, and he heard her protest something about “her fur” but the water’s roar muffled out the rest. Soon, they entered the camp in the middle of the greenwood. All of Robin’s band was there, and some of his band had formed a musical type of band for the festive occasion.
Despite being medieval, the band was hot and Robin was ready to dance. He went over to Marian. “Now that we’ve won, can we now have the big triumphant musical number? The one where we dance while in each other’s arms and then iris out when we kiss?”
“Suppose we’d better,” Marian said, standing up. “We do have a romantic reputation to uphold, after all.”
Robin led his maiden fair to the center of the dancing area and they took off. Everyone else joined in, clapping, singing and dancing. He twirled her left and right, singing along with the music and grabbing an occasional kiss which caused Marian to poke him in return. Robin was lost in the beat, though, and didn’t mind. Then, as the scene began to iris out, the iris stopped as did everyone else, looking at Marian. She sighed, letting her shoulders droop a little.
She put her arms around Robin, looking into his eyes. Then Robin took her in his arms and gave her a smooch to remember, the crowd shouting its approval. When she came up for air, Marian gave him a questioning but amused look. “I don’t remember the original Robin being quite that good a kisser.”
“Well, you knew I had to be good at something,” Robin said.
Marian laughed and the iris shrunk down to black. When the scene re-emerged, it was in Prince John’s castle. The sheriff was walking through a stone hallway, half-dancing to a beat only he heard. As he emerged into the throne room, Dame Hissy was there and smiled knowingly at the sheriff’s good mood.
“MORE TAXES, MISS HISSYYYY.”
Hissy smiled greedily as the sheriff brought over a huge sack of tax money. “Oh yes! Now maybe we can add on that new sports complex that the prince wants. I’ve always wanted to learn jousting.”
The prince burst in at that point, not happy at all. “This is a calamity! A tragedy! A disaster! They’re laughing and dancing in the streets!”
“Isn’t that normally a good thing?” Hissy asked.
Not when they’re laughing and dancing because I was bested by that imbecilic outlaw Robin Hood!”
Hissy laughed a good snakish laugh. “Yep, he sure made a fool of you, princey! Sheriff, you heard them celebrating last night, right?”
“GOOOOD MUSIIIC. I DANCED TIL DAAAWN!”
That was all P.J. could take. “Enough of this! I’ll teach that serf-laden rabble to revel in my misfortunes! Double the taxes! No, triple them! Squeeze every last drop out of those insolent, uh, musical peasants...”
“Isn’t that line actually in the movie?” Hissy asked.
“Sometimes you can’t improve on perfection.”
As they nodded, the scene shifted to a rainy day in Nottingham. Alan-a-Dale’s voice narrated the scene. “Yeah, we whooped it up, but now we’re paying through the nose. That dimwit King Richard left us this self-important goofball as ruler and now he’s robbing us blind with tax increases! They even got me, for not being able to pay the ‘Horrible Music Playing’ tax! So here we all are, chained up in the local hoosegow. And no, I’m not going to sing, and yes my clothes still itch like crazy!”
About that time, the sheriff appeared in front of the jail, leading a chained-up Friar Tuck. Alan pushed his head through the jail bars. “What’re you in for, Friar?”
“I couldn’t pay the ‘Church Bell Ringing’ tax, and I also made the mistake of beating the sheriff at croquet.”
Alan-a-Dale shook his head then boinked it several times on the jail bars before getting it back through. The scene dissolved to a wide view of the castle later that night. Robin had gotten word that the prince planned to hang Friar Tuck, so it was time for a jailbreak. He and Little John scaled one of the walls, then pulled back into the shadows.
“How are we going to get in there, Robin?” Little John asked. “Want me to rush up to the guards and overpower them?”
“Well, let’s save that for a backup plan. Right now, we just need to figure out a way to get the sheriff’s key and free the prisoners,” Robin said.
The two outlaws watched as the huge sheriff passed by, followed by his uniformed deputies (played by T.W. and Frances). The sheriff took a seat on a chair next to the locked prison door and started to snooze while the guards started their calculated pacing. Robin grabbed up a nearby stick and threw it at the door where it ka-thumped. T.W. immediately came running.
T.W. fired off his crossbow just as the sheriff stood up, the arrow hitting him in the posterior.
Little John began humming the Mission: Impossible theme and took advantage of the distraction to try to get the keys. Robin just rolled his eyes. The sheriff meanwhile raised his fist and brought it down on T.W. so hard it drove him into the ground. Little John snuck around in the shadows, trying to be invisible, while Robin simply went around behind the sheriff and reached for the keys.
The sheriff’s other deputy pointed. “Sheriff, there’s something...”
The deputy snorted. “Reminds me of my fifth husband. Never did listen.”
Robin gained the keys while the sheriff was distracted and quickly moved upstairs to free the others. With their chains removed, they came down fast. The sheriff was still looking around, but then someone moved a banana peel behind one of his feet and a whistle came. The sheriff turned and fell, leaving quite a crater.
“Say, who did that?” Robin asked.
In a moment Alan-a-Dale appeared, carrying a large portable curtain. “I did! I’m tired of this itchy troubadour outfit!”
Placing the curtain in-between the sheriff and the audience, in a moment he switched clothes with the sheriff, Alan’s clothes conveniently stretching to fit the sheriff. Alan removed the curtain. “Now he can itch for a while!”
With the sheriff out for the time being—the deputies didn’t put up a fight—Robin decided to pay a visit to the royal treasury, also known as the prince’s bedchamber. He was alone (well, how would it look otherwise?) and Robin and friends pilfered to their hearts’ content while the prince dozed away. That is, until Robin decided to get fancy and ride the rope he was using to carry out the money. The extra weight was too much and it pulled the bed to the veranda.
The prince tossed and turned in his sleep, vaguely aware that something was happening. “Unnnh....NO!......Nnnnhhh, I’m a better director than Orsen Wells....Garbo, be in my movie...Huh, what? Robin Hood! Guards, my treasure is being stolen!”
Desperately he leaped forward and grabbed the moneybag that Robin was carrying and a tug of war broke out. “Give it up, prince!” Robin said. “It’s time to share the wealth!”
“Never! How will I ever keep up my subscription to ‘Spineless Rulers Weekly’ going otherwise?”
The guards closed in, the moneybag broke and Robin tumbled away. Meanwhile the merry men had managed to find an empty wagon and store all the goods and people on it. Little John waved to Robin and he ran for the gate. But the sheriff re-awakened and he broke the rope supporting the portcullis. It slammed down, trapping Robin inside. The prince smiled wickedly, pointing at the outlaw across the yard.
“Now is the time that all good...oh, just get him!”
Robin threw his hat in the air and when it landed on the ground, much to everyone’s amazement, he leaped into it, seemingly vanishing into its depths.
The prince was flabbergasted. “Where did he go? Where did he go!”
Dame Hissy came over and nudged the hat. “He’s not there! Wow, what a neat trick! Sure a lot better than that dancing routine of his. With a move like that, he could tour for years.”
The prince picked up the hat then looked to the sheriff. “What are you waiting for, find him!” The sheriff was preoccupied though, the effects of the troubadour outfit taking effect.
Prince John snorted. Where did he go wrong in life? He walked up in one of the garrets of the castle, still holding the hat. He set one of the rooms on fire in hopes of smoking the outlaw out. Looking on all sides of the castle for Robin did no good, and finally he just flung the hat away where it landed in the moat. In a few moments, the hat moved toward land. Robin’s men where at the shoreline when a drenched but otherwise okay outlaw leader gained the shore.
“You idiot! He was in the hat all the time!” Hissy said.
The sheriff looked down from the parapet. “BAAAD KITTYYY!”
Prince John chided his lawman. “What are you standing around itching for? Go get him, jump in the lake and swim after him, you gigantic moron! And you too, you worthless slithering lackey!”
“CAN’T SWIIIM,” the sheriff said.
“Me neither,” Hissy said. “Besides, you’re the one who blew it. And now your momsy’s castle’s on fire!”
Prince John turned and had a conniption. “The castle!!! Momsy will never forgive me for this! It’s all your fault, you worthless henchmen! I’m calling my lawyers!”
The prince began running around wildly, searching for a phone to no avail. The scene faded to black then returned with Alan-a-Dale, now in a new and non-itchy troubadour outfit. “So the prince drove himself nuts searching for a phone in medieval England. About that time, the king showed up again and took over the ruling job once more. He pitched in for new duds for everyone and promised venison stew in every pot—we know how much that one’s worth. Anyways, Robin asked for Marian’s hand in marriage and the king said, ‘Why not take all of her?’ Okay, so I’m not a comedian—let’s head for the church.”
The church was decked out festively for the occasion, as were Robin and Marian. They left the church as man and wife, and this time Marian gave Robin an unforgettable smooch.
“Not bad! I could get used to that,” Robin Hood said.
Marian smiled back. “I suppose I’d be willing to have that triumphant big song and dance Hollywood ending now, if you’re still interested.”
Robin nodded back. “You got it. Hit it, guys!”
Robin pulled on the screen and it flipped up to reveal a lavish dance stage with a full-size orchestra. Robin took Marian’s hand and started singing to the tune, “I Can’t Give You Anything But Love”:
I was out-law-ing, liv-ing on the lam, ba-by!
Stealin’s the only thing I could do well, ba-by!
Rob a while
Bob a while
I made my mark
Now I’m free
And you’ll see
We’ve got love and life to live for!
While Robin and Marian sang and danced, the Friar and King Richard (played by L.B. Mammoth) watched from the box seats. The king pointed to the stage below. “I may have lost a daughter, but I sure gained a primo dance team!”
“Good one, sire!” the friar said.
Robin and Marian twirled together, covering the whole length of the stage and Robin sang on:
Now you see we’re hitched and doing swell, ba-by!
We’ve got stories left to tell, oh ba-by...
Now when that dad of yours is done
And our ruling day has come...
We’ll do him proud
and I’ll still re-mem-ber the day...
I was out-law-ing!
I was out-law-ing!
I was out-law-ing, liv-ing on the laaaaaam!
The orchestra ended with a flourish and Robin and Marian smiled and waved to the audience. Alan-a-Dale came out on stage, addressing the audience. “And that’s the way it really happened. Oo-de-lolly...that’s Hollywood talk for, ‘I’m going to chew out the head of wardrobe’. Someone get me some calamine lotion!”
Love goes on and on...
T H E -- END
Danny, Sawyer, Pudge, Tilly, Craston, Frances, T.W., Woolie and L.B. Mammoth are copyright Warner Brothers and used without permission. The Robin Hood story parodied in this case is copyright Disney and referred to without permission, but with utmost respect.