Best Artist Award
Voice Offstage (sounds remarkably like Mark Hamill): Ladies and Gentlemen, here to present the award for Best Artist of 2008, please welcome Remy from the hit Disney/Pixar movie "Ratatouille" and some other rat…I think his name is Spumoni.
::As the two rats enter from opposite sides of the Walt Disney Theater, Spumoni looking up with a pained expression to where he guesses Hamill was speaking from, the floor of the stage opens and a long cooking range and preparation table lifts up from the floor::
::As the crowd applauds, the two rats acknowledge each other then head behind the cooking range::
Remy: Art is art, whether found hanging in the great art museums of the world, decorating the corridors of majestic cruise ships, or…
::He beckons to the cooking range, pausing momentarily as he watches Spumoni struggling with an oversized chef’s hat. Putting on his own hat, which fits perfectly, he continues::
Remy: …or in a kitchen, or in a tiny fandom of an obscure 1980’s cartoon show.
::Remy flips out a few utensils. They land perfectly and he further arranges them as he speaks::
Remy: An artist uses the tools that best help express their abilities, that give the observer a hint of the working of the mind of the artist.
::Remy looks up from his own preparation to see Spumoni, the chef’s hat blocking his eyes, drive a big old carving knife deep into the wooden carving board::
Remy (slightly distracted): Ummm...an artist also looks endlessly, tries an unending series of combinations and poses, groupings and arrangements to find that which best expresses the will that the artist wishes to express in the crafting.
::Remy opens up the refrigerator and places all of the vegetables and items he will need for his salad and dressing. As he carefully smells and touches one for freshness he can’t help but notice that Spumoni is gnawing on some sort of canned food, making noticeable “nom, nom, nom” sounds as he does, the hat still over his eyes::
::Shaking his head, Remy continues, slicing and preparing the greens::
Remy: A great artist is always looking for fresh new ideas, expanding their experiences.
::Adjacent to him, Spumoni flops a big bag of "Wonder!" bread on the counter. Remy sighs, shaking his head in disbelief, then continues with his presentation. He begins whipping up a dressing in a bowl, lingering over the peppercorns and oils he is using. He speaks as he blends all of the ingredients together::
Remy: Just as a chef seeks to maintain balance in his ingredients, the fan-artists of the Rescue Ranger fandom have sought to seek out composition and structural detail. In seeking this balance they have used keen judgment and insight in the works they’ve created.
::He watches as Spumoni puts a huge pot on the stove, cranks up the gas all the way to 11, and dumps armfuls of ingredients within. Remy takes deep breaths and rubs his forehead::
Remy: Anyway, folks, in the end the artists of your fandom dedicate their time, talent, and ability to give you the very best they can.
::He places his salad on a platter, scooping the fresh dressing into a chilled metal serving bowl, and wipes down the plate::
Remy: They present to you the best that they can do, and so we…
::He cringes as the cacophony of Spumoni preparing his own dish echoes around the stage. He hears crashes, bangs, and the telltale cracking of plates. He looks to his fellow genus member as he scoops…something…onto a plate, then crosses over to where Remy is standing::
::Remy closes his eyes as Spumoni approaches::
Spumoni (as Remy cringes): We gather now to give praise to the one artist who this year has been our standard-bearer, the one who has wowed us the most among an incredibly talented field.
::Remy listens, but when there is no immediate retching from the audience he slowly opens his eyes to see that Spumoni’s dish is well presented, and actually looks quite appetizing!::
Remy (surprised, chuckling): What, what did you make?
Spumoni: Seafood Newberg over Herb Toast with crisp asparagus.
::Spumoni offers the plate forward. Remy smells the entree, delighted::
Remy: Wow, can I have some?
Spumoni (smiling): Salad first?
Remy: Salad first.
::Remy smiles back, getting out some wooden bowls::
Spumoni: The nominees for Best Artist are--
::The bowls clatter, then Spu continues::
Spumoni: lane83ky, or just Lane, with her unique style.
Remy (dishing out some salad):
Spumoni (accepting one of the bowls):
Remy (hands Spu a fork): HawkeyeNFO, who gives us scenes from ‘the life military’.
bends his voice to inflect the capital letters in
Spumoni: For his wonderful and colorful interpretations.
Remy (leaning on the counter top to eat): Saraggle, whose craftings are earnest and show raw talent.
Spumoni (pouring the fresh dressing over his salad): Toni whose hallmark style is instantly recognizable.
::Remy twirls his fork in the salad, waiting for his opportunity to start eating::
Spumoni (nodding): And Mastergodai, whose work shows an earnest intent.
::The two rats clink their bowls together and say, “Cheers!” As Spumoni begins to eat, Remy looks back out over the audience::
Remy: And the winner of the 2008 Golden Acorn Award for
Best Artist goes to…
::The audience stands as one and
::The audience laughs::
::The audience stands and
applauds again as