::Clarice comes on stage whilst the
band plays "
Clarice: You're all wonderful! Up next is the Best Female Character award. But first, the censors require me to cooperate with the Subliminal Multi-Language Integration Subtitling of Tolerance Which Has No Subtitling Anymore.
::From stage right CD stumbles up to get to Clarice. The band plays the "Pinky & the Brain" theme with all its ominous and diabolical meaning::
CD: ::pant:: My call! ::pant::
Clarice: Just because you ran over here does not mean you get to drool on my toes, buster!
CD: I'm not tired, I'm appreciating your figure.
Clarice: This is a female presentation. Get to your seat.
CD: As the one responsible for the Subliminal Multi-Language Int- thingamacallit, FOX Network requires me to be here.
Clarice: Wait, you're telling me the FOX Network broadcast-
CD: Anyway, now that I've weaseled my way onto the stage and took the spotlight, let's get serious!
::He takes Clarice's hands to sweep her off her feet::
CD: Females, the crucial part of this award, as we judge one based on their ideal characteristics. And the ideal woman is busty, is slim, has nice broad hips, round curves, long legs, a pretty face and kissable lips!
Subtitle: [i][b]Something tells me this guy's Multi-Language Integration Subtitling of Tolerance Which Has No Subtitling (not) Anymore is not covering for his unemancipated view of women.[/b][/i]
::Clarice wrestles herself free of his grasp and pushes him back, while every female in the audience glares at CD::
Clarice: Why do you infringe on the territory of women? This is MY presentation. Men always want to be in control!
Subtitle: [i][b]Let the gender war begin![/b][/i]
Clarice: You men are all so controlled by your hormones, you lack sophistication! Why, you lose control the moment you see some bare fur or something suggestive is said!
::CD folds his arms and looks away offended::
CD: Would not.
Clarice: Fine, prove it!
CD: Fine, I will!
::Clarice takes the mike with both hands and keeps it close to her mouth, eyes half shut and speaking with a sultry voice::
Clarice: Howdy folks, for this year's Best Original Female Character Award we wish to prove the value women have in today's society, as a strong, independent woman can often determine how a work of fiction is received. Think of the femme fatales of detective novels who twist the plot. Or the heroine who proves herself more level headed than the stupid, patriarchic male world around her. Above all, I want to demonstrate how we drive the men nuts even as we openly state we are attempting to make them look ridiculous because of their own instinctual reactions over meaningless, shallow things!
Subtitle: [i][b]I am chipmunk woman, hear me roar![/b][/i]
::The vein over CD's eyebrow trembles at the increased blood pressure, as well as his lower lip as he tries to keep an indifferent expression, clearly repressing an urge to howl at the moon and let his tongue hang out. After a sideway glance, Clarice smiles devilishly before continuing::
Clarice: To reveal this shameful, simple minded, over-exaggerated, lustful and incomprehensible buzz they have, I wish to make an artistic statement.
::She saunters over to CD, her eyes gleaming::
Clarice (singing, sultry): I know you-oo-oo-oo send me…
CD: Hellooooo, Clarice!
::Immediately an anvil falls down that hits CD and knocks him out::
Voice From Up In The Rafters: Boys, go fig'.
Clarice: Thanks, you saved me.
VFUITR: No prob, we girls look out for each other.
::Clarice salutes the VFUITR with respect and understanding::
Clarice: And now the nominees. This year we have:
Melissa - Diamonds in the Desert by Midnight Man
Gee - Country Mouse, City Louse by Spumoni
Molly Roger - The Pivotal Divide by Mayhem
Almondine Maplewood - RangerReady23
Clarice: And so, we arrive at the part where I reveal-
CD: Don't tempt me.
::CD recovers and without fooling around, strangely ignoring those primitive, obsessive instincts, interrupts her presentation again::
CD: And for this presentation, we're doing things a little bit different! Can you guess what?
Clarice: You stop your sexist remarks?
Indy (stage left): You're going to stop interrupting and GET ON WITH IT!?
CD: No! It's time to learn tonight's winner. And to find out who it is, we turn to the Wheel of Morality.
::He pulls the said device from behind the curtain by himself to show it to the whole audience::
Audience Member: Is this 'count the pop-culture references' evening?
CD: No, this is the Best Female Character award.
::CD gives the wheel a spin and turns with the numbers corresponding to the nominees::
CD: Wheel of Morality turn turn turn. Tell us the winner whose name we should learn.
::The wheel stops on number six. A paper comes out which CD takes and reads::
CD: And today's winner is…Almondine Maplewood, from RangerReady's stories!
::Amid the applause and general shouts from the audience, Almondine Maplewood takes the stage, looking surprised, and even blushing a little::
Almondine: Wow...two years in a row! You guys are going to spoil this ol' flatfoot, if you aren't careful!
::Taking the Golden Acorn plaque reverently in hand, she smiles widely::
Almondine: RangerReady's asked me to accept this award, and extend his thanks to all of you who were kind enough to vote...and to all the rest, who've enjoyed reading about me, these past two years. You're the ones that all the new adventures are for! And there are going to be quite a few, if RR keeps up the way he's going...
::She trails off cryptically, and waves as she leaves for her seat::
Almondine: Thanks again, everybody!
CD: Now to get this wheel offstage before that cop comes. I don't need him finding out I stole- borrowed it without asking.
::CD and Clarice head off-stage, Clarice keeping a discreet distance::