::CD gets onto the stage together with Philip, the bookworm kid from his stories. CD's holding a microphone::
CD: All right everyone, the Best Song Parody award is coming up. And now for something completely different. Little Philip Stoneturner will be performing. So let's not be too hard on him and let him sing uninterrupted.
::He continues whispering behind his hand to Philip::
CD: Okay kid, this is your one chance. Don't blow it. You're gonna do my highly satirical and politically sensitive parody called "The Phony President Of The USA" so the White House regime will get impeached and I will be supreme ruler of the most powerful country on earth! Rue you if ye fail, mortal!
::CD gives him the microphone and
leaves the stage, leaving a nervous Philip behind. Philip coughs and clear his throat before he starts his song. Then he takes on
a mischievous smile as the band begins to play the melody of "The Phoney King of
Philip: All the fandom knows of a Dutchman sneak for several years now
And not because the hair on his brow or any chastity vow
While pretty lil' Clarice sings that she loves only me
She'll have to watch out for that lecherous eel CD
Persistent as he is unkempt whenever the Café archives are mapped
They'll call him the crazy fan of Clarice
(All:) A plunger for that crazy fan of Clarice!
He collects her pins and watches her sing pretending he's her fan
A dirty jerk who is more like an obsessed and lusty young man
And he throws a metal anvil at those who dare to insult her name
And he calls them mad, yes mad! And simply just for that
You see: the pot's also black
Too late to be seen as Fan the First
He's sure to be called The Fan of Lust
(All:) A plunger for that crazy fan of Clarice!
While he stalks her all her life and he robs her of safety
He snaps all kinds of pictures that the world ain't meant to see
But while there are brass knuckles in Clarice's trendy purse
His date offers and marriage talk will all turn for the worse
A moment before he touches her…there
Her stiletto will have his tufted hair
The lusty and untrusty fan of Clarice
Stalking and balking
Sneaking and peeking
Outspoken and joking
Vengeful 'n villified
Robbing and rotten
Stealing 'n feeling
CD the crazy fan of Clarice!
::CD returns from his bathroom break with a broad overly nice smile and grabs the microphone::
CD: While I'm sure we all loved little Philip's song and the audience just ate it up, it's time to say goodbye now. But just so he won't get cold in the cold Russian winter, I do have a little reward for him.
::He pulls out an orange parka and begins to dress up Philip in it with a vengeful glint in his eyes. He pulls the hood over his head and ties it closed tightly::
Philip: Ppfmfp pppppf! Mfpmpp pmppppppffppfmm!
::Philip tries to walk off stage when suddenly a spotlight drops on his head and he falls to the ground immediately::
Audience member #1: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Audience member #2: Whatever. You (bleep)!
CD (innocent): Gee, I wonder how THAT happened. Couldn't have been the parka.
::Philip stumbles to his feet and rubs his head::
Philip: Mff'ppm pppppffmp mpmmppmmmmpm ffmmppfmp.
Subtitle: I'm not dead yet.
Indy: You have to hurry up CD!
CD: Aw please. He will be dead in a minute.
Philip: Mff'ppm mfmmppfmpfmpmffpppmfm mmpmppfmpfmpmpppff.
Subtitle: I'm getting better.
Indy: Get on with it!
Philip: Mfmmppfmp ppfppp fppmfffmpmfp mfffmp!
Subtitle: Get on with it!
Audience: Yeah, get on with it!
CD: I still say it could be the parka- Couln't! COULDN'T have been the parka.
Dr. Batorious: Get on with it!
CD: Fine. The nominees of this year's Best Song Parody are:
The Balled Of Gadget Hackwrench by Midnight Man
Still On Duty by Midnight Man
The Day The Rangers Died by Supercheese
Joy To The World by Neal Wolf
1989 by Neal Wolf
I Love This Cafe by Severe Weather Eddie
Acorn Cafe by CD
CD: Well, whattaya know. Yours truly's on the list. It's all part of my strategy for world domination-
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!!!
CD: Fine fine. Let's see what's in this envelope.
::He pulls it out and pries it open and reads the card::
CD: And it's The Ballad of Gadget Hackwrench by Midnight Man—and I Love This Café by Severe Weather Eddie!
::Somewhere in the audience, a
spotlight lights up Midnight's white jacket and tie as he gets up and walks
down the stairs and enters the stage to receive his award. Many Rangerphiles,
especially the fresher ones, are a bit irritated to see his poker face devoid
the slightest bit of a smile as he speaks through his clip-on microphone.
Midnight: Thank you, everyone who appreciated this song parody of mine enough to vote for it. Honestly, I didn't really expect to have any real chances in this category, despite having two nominees in it. The competition was tough, I can only say. Last year's winner Neal had two entries, too, then there was that classic created by Supercheese, just to mention a few.
Well, and then you even chose out of my two entries the one
that I think nobody was ever able to identify, just like no-one ever identified
any of my other British parodies. I guess if I played the original for you,
hardly anyone of you would know it. Plus the fact that this particular parody
is based on a fanfic of mine, and the spoiler warning
may have kept many of you from reading it. And not few of you, especially the
Americans, may have expected a parody on that TV theme about that family of
hicks, am I right?
::Some murmuring goes through the audience.
Midnight: And still, The Ballad of Gadget Hackwrench was your favorite. This can only have two reasons. Either a whole lot of you are closet Marianne Faithfull fans...
::The majority of the spectators ask their neighbors who that person is.
Midnight: ...or it's because of the fact that I was probably the first ever to bring Rangerphiles to tears with a song parody. Anyway, no matter what the reason for winning is, I'm thankful for this prize.
::On his way off the stage, Midnight is stopped in the tracks.
CD: Midnight, will we see you do the next song break then?
Midnight: Sure you will.
CD: I guess it's good advice for the audience to have their handkerchiefs ready, then, huh?
::For the first time since he came on stage, Midnight moves his face. He forms a grin.
Midnight: Indeed, verily, et cetera. See you then, all of you!
::After a moment, a Siberian tigress gets up from the audience and walks up on stage to the podium. She’s dressed in what appears to resemble a US Air Force uniform, but with different insignia::
Hasegawa: Thank you, CD.
::She turns to address the audience::
Hasegawa: Obviously I am not Cap…er, Eddie. Some of you from the Chat Room know me, but for those who do not my name is Miss Hasegawa. I am a character created by Eddie. He is not here at the moment, but via a teleconference feed, he can accept his award remotely.
::Hasegawa flips a switch on the podium and a projector comes to life, displaying Eddie inside of a Ford pickup truck stuffed with high-tech meteorology equipment. It’s impossible to see outside, though. Then the speakers come on, and the audience covers their ears as a deafening roar blasts out…it sounds like heavy rain (and hail) hitting a truck::
::Hasegawa turns down the volume and picks up a radiophone::
Hasegawa: Are you there, Eddie?”
Eddie: Who? What? I’m, uh, a little busy at the moment…
Hasegawa: You’ve just won the Golden Acorn Award for “Best Song Parody”.
Eddie: What? I got a wart of test gong parity?!
::The audience laughs::
Hasegawa (rolls her eyes): YOU WON THE GOLDEN ACORN AWARD FOR BEST SONG PARODY!
Eddie: I did? Really? Wow! I, uh, don’t know what to say! Are the awards going on now?
Hasegawa: Yes, they are.
Eddie: Drat. Seems I forgot to change my watch to
::Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light, and a fox, wearing a uniform similar to Miss Hasegawa’s, appears onstage next to the podium, along with a guitar and a stool::
Eddie: Thanks, Miz Hasegawa, I’ll take it from here.
Hasegawa: Wait…Cap-I mean, Eddie…where did you come from? Did you beam out of your truck?
Eddie: Trade secret. Um, could someone give this to that cool announcer bat?
::After a brief pause, Dr. Batorius makes a brief announcement::
Batorious: Ladies and gentlemen, in a Golden Acorn Awards first, we have our first live on-stage performance. Severe Weather Eddie will now sing his award-winning melody, "I Love the Café".
::The lights dim and when the spotlight comes up on the stage, Severe Weather Eddie is sitting on a barstool, holding his guitar::
[url=http://www.indyranger.com/2006GA/ILovetheCafe.mp3]CLICK HERE TO LISTEN[/url]
::The audience stands and applauds Severe Weather Eddie's performance. As he bows and heads offstage, holding his award, CD drags Philip off the stage then calls his agent and sees about getting the song Philip sang copyrighted::