Dr. Batorious: And now, to present the award for Best Comedy, here's everyone's favorite Aussie mouse, Montgomery Jack!
::Applause. Monty approaches the microphone::
Monty (muttering) : It's
::He stops in front of the mic as the applause dies down::
Monty: Comedy was one of the staples of our TV series. Every episode was packed with puns, slapstick, and all sorts o' humor. In the world o' fanfics, comedy has carved out its place as well, and many readers have been appreciative of these lighter portrayals of us Rangers. Of course, we don't mind it either, as being angsty all day. . .makes ya kinda punchy! Anyway, the nominees for Best Comedy are:
Space Wars: The Ranger Parody,
Foxglove wa otaku desu, by Stainless Steel Rat
::Applause. Dale, acting as a stagehand, hands Monty the envelope. He opens it and reads the name without even a pause.::
Monty: And the winner is Jerry Seinfeld, for “Seinfeld”!
::He grins broadly, which quickly turns into a look of confusion and slight panic as he realizes what he just said. Chip, in the wings, turns to Dale with a look of anger.::
Chip: You numbskull! You were supposed to give him the envelope for the Golden Acorn Award, not the Golden Globe Award!
Dale: Uh. . .sorry! ::He shrugs his shoulders.::
::Meanwhile, to raucous applause, Jerry Seinfeld has come onstage to accept his award. Monty stops him near the microphone::
Monty (in a low voice): Uh…Mr. Seinfeld, it appears we've got a mix-up with the awards. Your Golden Globe envelope from 1994 got mixed up with our Golden Acorn of 2005. Why don'tcha keep the audience entertained as we go fix this lil' nipper of a problem?
::As Monty hurries offstage, Jerry, thoroughly non-plussed, turns to face the audience, which has quieted down in anticipation. After a moment's pause, his face suddenly brightens and he bursts into his routine.::
Jerry Seinfeld: So what is the deal with acorns anyway? To me, the
acorn is like Mother Nature's practical joke. Let's take your nuts. You've got
the walnut, the peanut, the pistachio: pre-packaged, easy to crack. Nature's Tupperware. Just open along the line and eat. The
acorn's like the
::The contingent of squirrels in the audience laugh in agreement::
Jerry: A squirrel is like a guy who buys these complicated devices designed to make your life better, can't figure out how to use them and sticks them in the back of his garage. The squirrel can't open the nut, so he buries it. The guy can't program his VCR, so he buries it in a box in the basement next to the electronic organizer, the exercise bike, and the weights.
::Tammy falls over with laughter::
Jerry: And then there's those little tops on the acorn. The acorn is the only nut that wears a hat. Is this so it doesn't get frostbitten ears? Did the Canadians get the idea for the hat with the ear flaps from the acorn? "Hey, whatever works for the oak tree. . ." I'll leave the obvious Canadian/nut joke to you.
::As Jerry finishes his acorn monologue, Monty comes hurrying back onstage carrying the envelope. His tuxedo looks a bit ragged and he is winded.::
Monty: Too-rah-loo! That took long enough! Had ta end up going back in time eleven years and searching the Golden Globe Awards. What an adventure that was! But I'm afraid you're going to have to! Get off the stage, Mr. Seinfeld, so we can continue the ceremony.
Jerry: But you didn't even give me an award! That's worse than re-gifting! That's no-gifting!
Monty: Crikey, we don't have time for this! I'd take you off meself, but we have a special security guard for you.
::He moves off to the side. Another man steps onto the stage from the wings, dressed in a USPS uniform. His beady eyes narrow as he catches sight of Jerry, as his large frame swaggers across the stage. As Jerry catches sight of the newcomer, his eyes widen in recognition and then narrow to slits in loathing and disgust. The guard halts, barely a foot away from Jerry. His first line comes out in a tone of absolute detestation; a tone so evil, everyone's hair in the audience stands up on the back of their neck.::
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello. . .Newman.
::The two begin circling each other, like wolves stalking their prey.::
Newman (nonchalantly): So, you here to accept an award?
Jerry: That was the general idea, yeah.
Newman (suddenly, stopping and pointing at Jerry): YOU FOOL! It was I
who switched the awards! I, the genius mastermind, who broke all laws of time
and space to invade a children's cartoon award show starring chipmunks to
replace one of their awards with an envelope from eleven years in the past! I,
who gave your taxi driver wrong directions so you ended up in
::Newman bounds gleefully offstage.::
::Jerry runs after Newman. Shortly thereafter, Monty re-enters the stage, envelope in hand::
Monty: Sorry about that, folks, but we've got the real winner right 'ere!
::He waves the envelope.::
The winner for Best Comedy is. . .KS, for “Space Wars”!
: : KS, dressed in a tux with his long blond hair tied in a ponytail and his beard neatly trimmed, takes the stage and walks to the podium.: :
KS: I wasn’t going to trim my beard since it is the middle of winter and I like the insulation, but the near case of heat stroke changed my mind. I don’t know about anyone else but I voted to hold the Awards in a cold climate.
: : Removing a sheet of paper from a pocket, KS begins to read.: :
KS: I am honored to be a filthy, depraved, uh. Hmm... [reading through the paper, he decides to wing it and places the sheet back into his pocket] Well, I see Colette’s still angry at me for putting off her big debut to work on “Space Wars”, or at least she still was when she tampered with my acceptance speech.
Anyhow, I should give proper credit to Indy for suggesting the idea of doing Ranger parodies of movie scenes, which is what got me thinking about this, and to George Lucas for making a movie that had so many scenes ripe for parody that I couldn’t choose just one, I had to do the whole thing!
And I have to admit, even with the weekly deadline I set for myself I enjoyed writing it, which made the whole thing worthwhile regardless of any award I might have wound up receiving for it. So I would like to thank the patrons of the Cafe for the icing on my cake and offering such a great place to post my work.
: : His Golden Acorn in hand, KS proceeds to exit the stage. Monty heads off as well, followed by Jerry and Newman who are eyeing each other with deathly suspicion::