Hawnurra (to himself): OK, take a deep breath. There's no reason to be nervous in front of an entire room full of (he whispers the word out loud) fanfic writers!
::The thought was enough to send chills down his back. Fanfic writers could DO things to you—look what they did to Gadget in that…::
Hawnurra: No. Don't think about it. This will all go just fine.
::And then it was time. He strides briskly toward the stage, but coming out from behind the curtains his foot strikes a loose bit of carpeting. Falling forward, he instinctively jumps to regain his balance, finding himself tumbling, tucks into a protective ball of tuxedo-covered cougar, and hits the floor behind the podium on a cushion conveniently placed there to comfort tired feet::
::**This is the most embarrassing night of my life** Hawnurra stands upright and straightens his jacket. Fortunately the cheap, rented outfit is made from a stiff synthetic material, which had not wrinkled. The audience, seeing him leap into an aerial forward roll from off-stage, land soundlessly, and then stand up behind the podium as though nothing unusual had happened, bursts into applause::
Hawnurra: My friends!
::Hawnurra pauses while the audience finishes clapping at something::
Hawnurra: The nominees for Best Round-Robin Contributing Author are: Indy, Karl Schenk, Kat, The Enduring Man-Child, and The J.A.M.
::He manages to pick up the envelope without dropping or mangling it, then continues::
Hawnurra: These are the writers whom you have nominated for their witty, insightful, and sometimes completely nonlinear contributions to those message-board threads intended to be read as a story. It was for the fun of making up these story threads that the concept of the Rescue Ranger Coffeehouse was developed; The Coffeehouse is never empty, for it is the one place set aside for all Rescue Ranger fanfic characters not currently employed in a story.
::His glance at a certain writer then was not missed::
Hawnurra: And now, without further ado…
::The envelope opens, the paper unfolds::
Hawnurra: I have the honor to
announce: The winner is The Enduring Man-Child!
::The crowd stands and cheers as the spotlight shifts to the veteran Rangerphile. His cat Blue and the wolf spider both encourage him to go forward, but his feet seem stuck to the floor. An escort consisting of Foxglove, The J.A.M. and Detective Drake push the reluctant soul up on stage and Hawnurra escorts him to the podium where he presents him with the award::
Man-Child: Wow. I . . . I don't know what to say. This is such an honor.
::Man-Child is silent for a moment. Obviously he is taken aback::
Man-Child: Well, I guess I should really begin by asserting my political belief that people who are allergic to peanuts should have their own state.
::The audience laughs, though many nod in agreement::
Man-Child: And after that all I can think to do is to thank
each and every member of our community—to those who nominated me, who voted for
me, who have participated in our wonderful little story threads, and to all Rangerphiles
just for being there and for being the wonderful people that they are.
::Man-Child pauses for just a moment::
Man-Child: And I guess I shouldn't resume my seat without thanking the people who have been the inspiration for most of my story threads and most of my posts—those magical, mysterious, maddening, beings known as G-G-G-G-GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!
::Man-Child shivers here:
Man-Child: Those beings who bewitch us, enchant us, and then
reject us JUST OUT OF MEANNESS!!! I mean, what's up with that, huh??? HOW
MEAN CAN YOU GET??? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU HEARTLESS SIRENS??? WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ME??? UGLY GUYS NEED LOVE TOO!!!!! ONE DAY YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT
FEELS LIKE!!! MEANIES!!!!!!!!!! ONE DAY . . .
::At this point Botan descends on her mystical boat oar like a Tinkerbell. She stops just above him, zaps him with a magical wand, and then departs smiling sinisterly as the ensorcelled Man-Child is silenced at once and floats off after her with an oblivious look on his face and drool streaming from his lips::