::The music to “Car 54, Where Are You?” comes on::
Voice From the Back: Very funny. No, that ain’t it!
::The music shuts off, then resumes with the theme to “Homicide: Life on the Street”::
Another Voice From the Back: I like this one.
Voice From the Back: Yeah, it’s nice, but that still ain’t it!
Another Voice From the Back: Aww…
::The music shuts off, then comes back with the “Dragnet” theme::
Voice From the Back: No, no—awww, forget it! Let’s just go on out, Mark.
Another Voice: I just know there’s something behind this, Bennie...
::A graying squirrel and sparrow walk to the podium. It’s Bennie Coliss and Mark Chew, the animal detectives from Rennod’s “Claw & Antler: Small Animals Unit” story. The audience greets them with a mixture of boos and applause.::
Mark: Quite a mixed welcome tonight, Bennie.
Bennie: Yeah, Mark. Calm down, we’re not here to serve a warrant.
Mark: No, This time we’re here to present the award for Best Artwork.
Bennie: But first, we’ll see what kind of glorified scribblings got nominated for this thing.
Mark: I’ll announce the nominees...
Bennie: ...And I’ll use my trained law-enforcement eyes to see what these pictures are really showing.
Mark: The nominees for best Artwork this year are:
Bennie: Let’s see what we got...
Mark: Chip as Indy, by Claire Hunter
Bennie: Quite a home security system there, eh?
Mark: Dale and Foxgolve (sculpy), by Ray Jones
Bennie: Hope that’s not a domestic call in progress..
Mark: Gadget Desktop, by Venis959
Bennie: Ain’t that the cat that ate the canary... sorry, Mark.
Mark (winces at the reference): Gadget working on a computer, by Shelley “Dannycat” Pleger
Bennie: Breaking and entering?
Mark: Just a Shadow of my Past, by Matt Plotecher
Bennie: A guilty conscience is a terrible thing to waste.
Mark: RM-13.jpg (Rustic Beauty), by Ruslan
Bennie: An illegal immigrant?
Mark: RM-14.jpg (Simple), by Ruslan
Bennie: The classic suspect with something to hide.
Mark: Are you finished yet?
Bennie: Nope.I still gotta announce the winner.
Mark: Just because you have those titanic letter-openers you call front teeth...
Bennie: Hey! Don’t have a nervous beak-down. You can do it next year, eh?
::Mark mutters something about conspiracies::
Bennie (sighs): And the winner is .....
::Bennie looks at the sparrow meaningfully, then uses his front incisors, which are normal squirrel’s teeth, to slice open the envelope. He takes out the small scrap of paper and reads it::
Bennie: Gadget working on a computer, by Shelley Pleger!
Dr. Batorious (announcing): Shelley Pleger couldn’t be here tonight; she’s on location on another project. However, we do have this special acceptance she put together for us. For those of you on the Internet, you can view the acceptance by clicking on <a href=http://www.indyranger.com/2002GA/GAPleger.gif> this link</a>
Bennie: There’s no warrant. I dunno why she didn’t show.
Mark: So it was unwarranted?
Bennie: (fake laugh) Ha, ha, hey! You made a funny, Mark! Congratulations.
::Mark mutters something inaudible::
Bennie: Ah, come on, we’ll swipe a doughnut on the way back to the station...
::Bennie leads Mark off the stage to the accompaniment of the “Law & Order” theme.::
Bennie: (rolls his eyes) Oh, now they get it right...
::The squirrel shakes his head as they all exit, the music continues. The announcer returns::
Dr. Batorious: And that’s it for the Artistic portion of the United States awards. Next up, the Written categories, including Best Plot Twist, Best Dialogue, and Best Moment in a Fanfic. Stay tuned!